🌸

My Diary of Chaos

[strawberry-sunrise67]

The Color Red

I’m sitting on a mattress on the floor

A belt tight around my arm

He puts the needle in my arm

Then again

And again

And again

Missing my veins

Each poke a little sharp

And hurts a little more than the one before

He is cussing under his breath in frustration

Both of us impatient to finally see that red

I consider saying a prayer to the universe

Begging for him to hit one

Stab, stab, stab again

I’m staring at the plunger

When it suddenly goes red

Red!

It’s red!!!

I feel a rush of relief

knowing it’s about to happen

And a deep eagerness for what’s to come

I hold still as he pushes the chemicals in

And I let go of the belt quick

I start counting down and intentionally remind myself to breathe

..deep breath..

Boom

Rush

Explosion

I feel…

Incredible

I’m hit with this taste in my mouth

And my chest feels a little too warm

I lean back, close my eyes, and start to moan

Thank you

Thank you

[strawberry-sunrise67]

I find my hope in these rooms. My strength comes from borrowing off the addicts who share their story of being restored to sanity.

[strawberry-sunrise67]

I am an innocent girl who’s found herself stuck in the devils word. Pastor told me last night thT while praying for me he got an image of a child’s swing hanging from a tree. And that my innocence will be restored.

Innocence: freedom from guilt or sin through being unacquainted with evil

Deliverance: the action of being rescued or set free.

[strawberry-sunrise67]

The Disease of Addiction 
 
you and I are standing 
in a white bright lit room
facing across from each other 
but not too close
you look unbothered
your face is blank and expressionless
I feel so confused
and my whole body gets a tad bit tense
I'm frustrated but trying to be patient
because you don't seem to be realizing 
that outside this room
there's an entire world
that has been waiting for me to come back
and I've been held here hostage by you for so long
and never felt that you'd let me go
so I've downplayed your hold on me
and what kind of life I have had in this room
to make them not worry
excuses to myself too
to make me not too depressed
because if I didn't last a chance against your power
at least myself and everyone could know
I never wanted this 
and could have set me free if I had the choice
you already know all this
and I guess now you are accepting your abuse of me
and want me to move on
because you just told me with that blank face
that I need to go and be free
because it's so clear for you to see
that my mind didn't deserve you
my body can't handle you
and you will never blame me for not wanting to come back to you
I don't have words
I can't seem to move
I feel paralyzed
and I just realized
how you've had such a strong grip on me
but I was able to still feel normal with you
because I had the same grip on you
and now my need for you is crushing my hand
and my grip is stronger than yours ever was to me
and maybe instead of you telling me to leave because of compassion
maybe its some sick satisfaction 
to see how now you are telling me to leave you as well
and I'm completely lost
and panicked 
that maybe I'm not ready for me to leave you, too
 

[hightodaybyetomorrow]

I’m ready to live again. It’s been 4 years. But I’m finally fucking ready.

[hightodaybyetomorrow]

Its all a mask

[hightodaybyetomorrow]

[hightodaybyetomorrow]

I think my mind is breaking

[hightodaybyetomorrow]

Wrote this poem called Drug Dealer. Hope u like it. 🩷