Struggling With Words

Just trying to get the thoughts out of my head.

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I saw 6 shooting stars last night but never made a single wish; I already had everything I wanted right by my side

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I have yet to understand why after years & years of standing on the shore, being crushed under wave after wave, I haven't just turned around & walked out of the ocean.

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From a very young age girls are taught to do things in groups - anything from going places at night, going somewhere in the dark, playing at the park, taking walks in the neighborhood - girls are taught that there is strength in numbers & it's something that sticks with them. Even as teenagers & young adults girls travel in packs - to the bathroom, to night clubs, on vacations & trips - & most often it's not only out of instinct but because they are still encouraged to do so. As a 20 year old woman my family would be absolutely horrified if I tried to travel to Europe or even New York on my own, but if my 20 year old brother said he wanted to, they would feel no fear for his safety. Why is that? Because in our world in 2015 women still feel unsafe walking to the bathroom by themselves. In 2015, we still have to teach little girls that they must be dependent on others, because it isn't safe for them to do things by themselves. In 2015, my manager had to have someone walk me to my car every night after closing to ensure I made it across the dark parking lot safely. So don't tell me that men & women have reached an equal status because even after centuries & centuries of human growth & societal evolution, man can walk on the moon before woman can walk across a dark parking lot without feeling threatened.

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6/7/15 This summer marks 10 years since my life changed forever. I've been alive for two whole decades now & not that my life was perfect before but the first 10 years were significantly better than the last 10. The summer I turned 10 my parents split up, & while their lives have improved significantly in the last 10 years, I went on a downward spiral that landed me in the hospital a few months ago screaming that I wanted to die. It's crazy to think about. My life has been downhill for the last 10 years but I am so ridiculously sick of it. When I landed myself in the hospital on a 51-50 it was because I knew I couldn't go on like this anymore. There was no more downhill to go, I was at the bottom. It's been 10 fucking years for christs sake. It's time to turn things around again. So here's to the next 10 years, I WILL live through them, & I will finally turn things around. Let my 20's be my best decade yet.

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6/6/15

You weren’t here today, & I miss you all the time, but today was definitely harder than others. I missed you a little more when I was playing with the kiddos & they did something really cute so I looked around to make sure you saw, only to remember you weren’t here. I missed you a little more when a really good song came on that I want you to hear but you weren’t here to listen to it. I missed you a little more when I just needed a hug for no reason. I missed you a little more when people started leaving & I just sat by the fire for hours knowing if you could be here you’d be right next to me. The hardest part about you not being here is that some things just can’t be explained in stories, sometimes you just have to be here to hear the little boy laughter that escapes when they’re playing with giant bubbles. Sometimes there aren’t words to describe the look on Harlow’s face when she walks across the deck to me for the first time. Sometimes I don’t know how to tell you why I’m so quiet tonight, you just had to be here to hear the conversations that set me off. It’s hard when I know how badly you want to be here & I know there’s nothing we can do but it doesn’t make missing you any easier. 30 days to go.

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I used to be able to fall asleep because I knew that you loved me. 

Now I wake up grateful that I know you don’t. 

(I deserve more than the selfish greed you disguised as adoration & I’m happy to know that now.)

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I think people too often forget that choosing to do nothing is still making a choice, and that most of the time doing nothing is far worse than doing something. 

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You expect me to know how to keep my head above water, but have only ever given me rocks to sink lower

(Can’t you see that I'm grasping for air?)

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I didn't understand until you walked away that you brought me darkness disguised as light, & once you were gone the possibilities were blinding

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i don't really understand 

how you made it seem like you gave me the world

when really

all you did was take away my life

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I feel lost in this blackness; consumed by the madness & you always told me to believe in the dark but the dark seems a lot darker without you

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4/11/15 Today, I am calmly on the surface, but even on the surface it's hard not to be scared for the storm that might change that. It's hard not to think about all the things that could make me drown. Even on my better days, the fear of a bad day is almost paralyzing. I don't let my good days be as good as they could because the what ifs are constantly in the forefront of my mind. & I think that's the biggest difference between people who have depression & people who don't, because everyone thinks about the scary what ifs, that's natural, but I can't not think about the scary what ifs. I am forced by my own fucked up brain to think of the worst, almost at all times, & it can be absolutely paralyzing

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4/10/15 I've been out of the hospital for 16 days, but I can still hear the constant beep of those heart monitors that just remind you you're still alive, as if having to tell yourself to breathe every 2 seconds isn't a reminder enough. It's been 7 days since we've talked, but I still can't fall asleep partially because you aren't next to me, but mostly because I don't want to have to wake up again only to remember that you aren't here. I was clean for 20 days, but you used to be the reason I was able to tell myself to keep breathing and tonight when the water filled my lungs I just couldn't find a good reason not to let it. "I'm fighting for every breath" // -C.A.L.

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3/19/15 Do you know what it's like not to trust yourself? To not know whether or not the thought you just had is one that's trying to help you or hurt you? To not be able to tell the difference between the angel & the devil on your shoulders because the devil has gotten so good at disguising himself as the angel that you just don't know? Do you know what it's like to be sitting in the turn lane waiting for a break in the cars so you can turn across traffic, but questioning yourself every time you think there's enough time because you don't know if there actually is, or if there's just enough time for you to get hit hard enough to die? Do you know what it's like to sit there with cars honking behind you, but waiting until there are literally no cars coming because that's the only way you can be sure that the voice in your head telling you to go isn't trying to kill you? Do you know what it's like to question every decision that you make, every action that you take because you don't know if you did it to benefit you or to harm you? There is a war in my head every fucking second & I have no idea who's closer to victory because I don't even know who's fighting for which side all I know is that every second I'm still alive is another second that I'm still fighting this battle only sometimes being alive feels like winning & sometimes it feels like losing & I guess that's the fucking problem in the first place because half the time I want to fight this & half the time I just want to give up. "How do you expect me to give 100% when 100% of me doesn't even want to be alive?" // - C.A.L.

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3/17/15 After my papas funeral I turned to one of my grandmas & asked "does it ever get easier?" & she looked at me sadly & said "yes, eventually. Sometimes it takes a really long time though" & I think she thought I was asking if missing him would get easier but that's not at all what I meant. What I want to know is if losing people gets easier, if death gets easier to handle? Does it ever stop feeling like the world comes to a halt when a person you love takes their last breath? Does it ever get easier to get the phone call telling you their gone? Does it ever stop feeling like someone's sitting on your chest? Does it ever get easier to wake up in the morning & remember they aren't here? Do you ever stop showing up places & expecting them to be there or closing your eyes & imagining them sitting in their usual place at the table? Do you ever stop thinking you hear their voice only to remember that can't be possible? Do you ever stop regretting the things you didn't get to say? Do you ever stop hating God for taking away a person you needed? Do you ever stop being so angry at the world? Do you ever stop wondering what the fuck the point of life is if all we do is die? Please tell me it gets easier, because if not, death will be the death of me. -(C.A.L.) "Does it ever get easier?" (Fun fact: My papa chose my initials.)

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I think that God lets everyone in heaven take turns painting the sky. I bet they get a certain time zone or a certain square mile radius & a certain time block & they just get to have at it & paint whatever they please. I bet he lets them paint the sky for the loved ones they left behind. I bet you painted this sky papa. The flashes of color & cloud, the way you'd barely finish one before moving onto the next, yet still spent just enough time on each part. The way you stretched the light as far as you could to reach as much darkness as possible; it has you written all over it. I hope heaven is everything you dreamed papa. I hope you're letting God get a word in between your stories. I hope you get to paint the sky again soon cause I sure do miss your presence down here

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I feel like a storm, one of those giant awful terrible storms that cause massive destruction everywhere they go but it's like I'm in the middle of the storm with no control & it goes with me everywhere I go. I wonder if this is how God feels. I wonder if he's as numb as I am. You see all of this destruction & it's like you can't feel anything at all but also like you constantly feel all of it at once & if this is how God feels I don't blame him for letting this destruction take over. I have no idea how to stop it either.