Blaine Anderson Lopez, proud submissive to the best man and Dominant the world has ever seen: Mateo Alejandro Lopez. I'm also an aspiring performer with a completely un-ironic appreciation for top 40 pop music, Broadway and old Hollywood musicals, Star Wars and comic books. [~ Blaine's limits and other info are here ~]
Mateo held up the blanket for Blaine to slide underneath, his arm curling around him to pull him in close. The skin to skin contact eased his trembles again. His eyes slid shut, and he pressed his nose to Blaine’s hair, listening to the music playing. A slow smile spread on his lips. “You played this for me,” he murmured, recalling in his mind’s eye the sight of Blaine at the piano. Watching him play was beautiful. His whole body moved with the music, face serene even as his expression flexed with the tone of the piece. “I’ve never seen anyone play piano like you do. I could watch you for hours,” he whispered against Blaine’s hair, his mind finally beginning to calm down.
“I was trying so hard to impress you that day.” He hadn’t really expected him to remember, and though Mateo couldn’t see it, his pleased smile lit up his face.“You were so handsome that I was a little afraid to look at you.” They’d been whispering anyway, thankfully, or else his voice might have faltered there, the memory of those nerves coming right back. “I had no idea if you even liked guys, or not, but I was so flustered. The piano was my one big chance to look cool, but then…” Nuzzling against Mateo’s neck and collarbone, he very carefully wrapped an arm around his waist. “I kinda blew it. I’d just done this piece a few minutes before, from memory, very well if I do say so myself. But then you sat down on the bench right next to me and asked me to show you a little something, and I…” He let out the tinest huff of a laugh at himself. “I think I completely forgot how to play.”
[with grateful appreciation for the insights of @dommateolopez]
Mental Health and Spirituality:
One of Blaine’s big secrets is that he’s been taking medication for anxiety for the last few years. Although he won’t admit it, at the moment, he does still need it. By his last few months at Lima Heights, with help from his Dom, he’d be ready to start wean himself off of it. But the first step for him will be learning not to be ashamed of taking it, or of the events that first led to it.
Thus far, aside from a few breathing exercises, the meditation and mindfulness that Mateo’s tried to teach him haven’t been super effective, yet. That will change, eventually. His problem thus far has been that he gets distracted, and then worries that he’s not doing it right, and then winds up more frustrated with himself than when he started. He hadn’t quite managed to communicate that yet, more an issue with putting it into words than a lack of honesty. But eventually, they would work through it, and Mateo would teach him how to calm and quiet his mind. Realizing that Blaine’s hesitant way of speaking was both a product of, and a contributor to, his boy’s anxiety, he also gently guided him towards finishing his thoughts without so much stopping and starting.
Blaine, in his natural state, was sort of hopefully agnostic - never quite religious, but deeply moved by spirituality, always wanting to believe in a benevolent power watching over the world. After he was assaulted, and before he met Mateo, he was too pessimistic to even be truly atheist: he couldn’t believe in a just God, or heaven, but at times he was afraid of hell. But the more secure he grew in their relationship, surrounded by the blinding light of Mateo’s love, the more that part of his heart started to mend. He was always wanting to know more about Mateo’s faith, just a little shy about asking questions. Something he specifically needed to talk out with his Dom, that had been weighing on him for years, was the idea of why any higher power would allow such suffering in the world. He didn’t expect answers, not really. It was just that he needed to ask the questions. He never going to ‘find Jesus,’ as such. But he was going to find all the hope that the word ‘maybe’ could hold. He was going to find a belief in the goodness in the world.
More frivolously, he never did join the church choir. He just never felt he was quite enough of a believer for it to be appropriate. He did, however, become very fond of Mateo’s church friends, and even took a few lessons from the organist.
Lopez Family:
No matter how many years went by, Blaine’s Spanish was never quite fluent. He had an excellent memory for vocabulary, and even longer phrases, but the grammar always eluded him. He did however get to a point where he could understand most of what the Lopez clan’s discussions.
Throughout Blaine’s life, practicing his dancing with Catalina and singing duets with Santana kept his skills sharp. They were not only family, but two of his best friends.
Mateo’s abuela would have softened a little over time - even if only because her Master pushed her into it. She might have been very cold to Blaine at first, possibly refusing to speak to him or acknowledge his presence. But his wide-eyed, loving deference to the woman who had raised his príncipe got to her in the end, and before her life ended, her scolding about their ‘lifestyle’ had instead turned into scolding about how they didn’t visit often enough.
No matter where he wound up in life, Nick was always considered a part of the family.
Sex/Kink:
Blaine’s favorite scenes were always painful, with gentle, loving sex/orgasms as aftercare. Electricity was a beautiful source of agony, and when it came to knifeplay, he was fearless, drunk on the mixture of adrenaline and absolute trust. But impact play was always what he loved the most.
Almost as good, however, were the days when Mateo would immobilize him, take away his senses, and tease him, torment him, use him, however he wished.
Another favorite was roleplay. They never got into hard non-con; mostly just dub-con with stern authority figures. Their student and teacher were recurring characters, as were a prisoner and police officer.
Blaine was very much into body worship from the very beginning, but for a long time, he was still too shy to ask how Mateo felt about certain specific aspects. Would it be weird, he wondered, if he kissed his Dom’s foot, or nuzzled his armpit? But in time, he’d work up the nerve.
He loved the flexibility that Mateo’s yoga lessons left him with, partly because it helped him improve as a dancer, but mostly because it gave them the ability to have very athletic sex in a near-infinite variety of positions.
Blaine never minded any mark that his Dom left behind, and would have been happy to agree to a permanent mark, like a tattoo or even a brand. The dark, deliberate bruise Mateo kept on his inner thigh was maintained for the rest of their lives.
Obviously, Blaine preferred to bottom, but also loved topping his Master now and then - he was assertive and passionate in a way he didn’t usually quite dare to be in other circumstances. Mateo’s pleasure, however, was always the most important thing to him.
One lazy weekend afternoon, Blaine would have said, out of the blue, “You know, príncipe, you never really asked me what I would have done with you, if I had been your Dom for a week.” The answer, of course, was mostly teasing - light sensory play, edging, temporary denial, before tying him to the bed and giving him exactly what he wanted... agonizingly slowly. Although he doesn’t really have a Dominant streak, if Mateo had been interested, he’d have been very happy to playfully demonstrate.
Domesticity/Romance:
While washing dishes in the evenings, Blaine often liked to sing ‘Maria’ from West Side Story - changing the name to ‘Mateo,’ of course.
Although they both enjoyed boxing, Blaine couldn’t ever spar with his Dom. He couldn’t bring himself to raise a hand to Mateo, even in play, in even a controlled environment. They did always enjoy working out together, though.
His favorite way to relax by himself in their rooms was to sprawl on the rug in the living room. This was partly because he wasn’t allowed to use the furniture without permission, but he genuinely found it very comfortable. The rug was padded and soft, and he liked to lie on his stomach, propped up with a cushion from the couch. It was his default spot to do homework, or lounge around reading or playing games. And another thing he liked about it was that lying around on his stomach like that, in nothing but a jockstrap, proved to be an excellent way to tempt his Dom.
At some point this coming summer, after spending a day nude or nearly nude out in the sun, Blaine managed to badly sunburn his entire body. Mateo spent the next couple of days rubbing him with aloe and tenderly caring for him. [subtle edit of the infamous sunburn pic, to fit this Blaine].
And at a very specific point this summer, namely Blaine’s 21st birthday, Mateo discovered what a goofy, sloppy, and incredibly horny drunk his boy was.
When he moved in, Blaine shoved two boxes under the bed in one of the spare rooms. The first and more battered box held comic books, action figures, and old game systems - basically, anything that Blaine still wanted around, but that he felt was too nerdy, childish, or otherwise embarrassing to be seen by human eyes. He was incredibly self-conscious about Mateo finding it, when he did, but his Dom found it adorable. The other box? An enormous case of shaving cream, and when it came to light again, Blaine finally organized that all-campus shaving cream war.
It was fairly common for Mateo to paint while Blaine practiced at his keyboard, but sometimes he’d drift over to quietly watch him work in between pieces, careful not to distract him. Whether the landscape was warm and inviting, or dark and mysterious, he often liked to imagine what it might be like to live in those paintings, in the soft and hazy watercolor world of Mateo’s imagination. He was deeply honored whenever Mateo wanted to use him as a canvas for body paint, and would have been even more honored to sit for a portrait. While art wasn’t Mateo’s chosen career path, Blaine loved his work so much that throughout their lives, he gently suggested submitting it to galleries from time to time.
Eventually, they got a pair of adorable pets. The cat was more Mateo’s, a delightful, fluffy diva who sulked whenever Blaine evicted her from his Dom’s lap to take her place. The dog was Blaine’s constant companion.
At what they knew would be their final prom before graduation, Blaine’s solo was a soft, Ellie Goulding-inspired version of, ‘Your Song.’
The Future:
Mateo’s time in law school was probably the most difficult period of their lives. With no time to paint or pursue many of his other favorite relaxing pastimes, Mateo’s nerves were often shot. Fortunately, his boy was always there to massage his tired boy, fetch him some tea, and draw a hot bath for the both of them.
In time, Mateo passed the bar, Blaine made it to Broadway, and they had their family: a set of twins or triplets that were biologically Mateo’s, and also a couple of adopted children who had been made orphans by the system, in the same way Mateo himself might have been, had his grandmother not begged her Master to be allowed to care for them. But more importantly, Mateo worked tirelessly for reforms within the system, in particular, for more respect and dignity for slaves. Blaine supported him in numerous ways, and used his minor celebrity as a platform as well. With millions of slaves in the United States alone, they couldn’t fix everything, and they couldn’t save everyone. But I think in time, they fixed some things, and saved a few people. A BDSM world wouldn’t necessarily have to be a dystopia. Blaine and Mateo, and other good-hearted people like them, were never able to rest while it was.
Though he hurried home as quickly as possible, thanks to glee club, Blaine got there well after Mateo on Friday afternoon, his mind moving even faster than his body. Today - tonight - had to be perfect. He had to make it perfect, for his future husband’s sake. Yet as much pressure as that was, he could scarcely contain his happiness as he let himself inside. Grinning, he left his shoes by the door, next to Mateo’s, and went looking for him, slowly removing his plaid button-down as he went - undressing, because it was in their rules, and because he’d probably need to soon anyway. He had a few things he wanted to say first, but he couldn’t imagine they’d wait long after that. His stomach knotted up with nerves again at the thought, but not enough to wipe the smile off his face, and as he moved through their rooms, he playfully called out, “Honey, I’m home!”
He was a bit nervous, it was true. But he was looking forward to this. He didn’t want to be the type of Dom to only top his submissive. He wanted to be able to experience all kinds of pleasure with the man he loved, despite the nerves. Mateo knew Blaine wouldn’t hurt him, of course. Not on purpose. He tried to distract himself from thinking about it, working on homework that wasn’t due until the next week, but he smiled when he heard the door open. “I’m in the spare room,” he called, turning from the desk he’d set up in there to keep their studies and bedroom separate. “Mm. Come here, beautiful boy,” he said, turning and patting his lap.
Which one, he thought, chuckling to himself, but didn’t say it. Instead he followed the sound of his voice, and made a mental note to suggest that they rename it their ‘study.’ He shrugged off his shirt and left it on the bed, quickly shucked off a white undershirt as well, then obeyed, straddling Mateo’s chair all too eagerly. “Bello Mateo,” he breathed in response, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing his lips lightly. “Are you busy, sir?” The fact that his Dom was working on homework on Friday afternoon barely even registered; they were both diligent enough students that it passed unquestioned. “I wanted to tell you something - a couple of things - but it can wait until the evening, if you want to work for a while?”
He wrapped his arms around Blaine, hands curling around those plump cheeks he loved so much. “Mi hermoso poquito,” he breathed back, leaning back in for a firmer, lingering kiss. The sight of Blaine nude with nothing but his collar on was a rather distracting one, but he kept himself from letting his hands wander too much. Mateo shook his head, one hand moving up to trace the line of Blaine’s spine slowly. “I always have time for you. What do you have to tell me?”
He grinned briefly against Mateo’s mouth as he groped his ass, leaning forward and pressing him back into the chair a bit as their kiss deepened. “I was wondering if you knew why I wanted to do something special today?” His eyes sparkled playfully. “Because I had other ideas, if not - what we landed on. But there’s something special about today in my eyes.”
Mateo chuckled and hummed in thought. “Is it… our six month anniversary?” he asked, taking a shot in the dark. He’d never been good with exact dates, but prom had been about six months ago. The first time he’d told Blaine he loved him, the first time he held him in public… the night had been magical. It wasn’t the first time he and Blaine had kissed - far from it - but showing everyone just who his boy belonged to was an incredible experience.
Blaine nodded, feeling just a little shy. “Well… by one standard, yes.” He stole another quick kiss before explaining. “See, I’m counting from the day I came over here, and sang for you, and told you I didn’t want to be with anyone else. We said - god, we said so many things that day, sir. You told me you loved waking up next to me. I told you I adored you. We said we wanted our first times to be together.” He shrugged slightly, smiling. “So… I consider that to be where we started. The day we became us. We’re going to have other, bigger anniversaries now, but I wanted to celebrate this one. Just once.”
He remembered that day with crystal clear precision. The fear he had that this was going too fast. That Blaine would find someone better. That he would somehow screw up enough to drive him away forever. Fears that lingered somewhat, but faded considerably when he saw the collar on Blaine’s neck. “Things that were all true. And yes… that does seem to be the day we became us. Even before I was out, you wanted to be mine. Personally, I think we should always celebrate this day. It might not be the day you get my collar, or the day we get married, but it’s an important day for us.”
Blaine could only nod at first, his chest tight. “I feel the same,” he managed to say, rubbing his hands over Mateo’s chest, savoring the feeling of his heartbeat against his palm. “I just didn’t want to be… greedy?” He slid his hands underneath Mateo’s shirt as he kissed him again, subtly urging him out of it. “So… no gifts, exactly, but I do have a couple of small surprises for you, my sir.”
Mateo chuckled and shrugged out of his shirt, Blaine’s efforts not as subtle as he was hoping for. “I think you’re allowed to be greedy with me when it comes to our relationship, my love,” he teased, leaning in to steal another kiss. “Oh? Well, far be it from me to stop you. I’m very curious to find out what surprises you’ve come up with.” He stroked his hands slowly over Blaine’s back, resisting the urge to reach down and touch his boy’s cock.
Blaine let his lips linger against Mateo’s. “I’ll try to remember that.” He shivered as Mateo’s hands ran down his spine, and dipped his head to kiss and suck at the crook of his neck. “Well,” he said, getting words in between kisses. “First… I have a special dinner prepped in the fridge, as you might have noticed.” Indeed, the night before, he’d left a couple of dishes on the middle shelf, wrapped in foil and labeled with a sticky note, which read, ‘please don’t touch - for later,’ and also featured a stick-figure drawing with curly hair waving at the reader. It would have been hard for Mateo to have missed it. “Although that’ll be much later, I think. And then, you remember the playlist I made for us - for when we’re together? Well, I’ve realized that it was really only focused on my own tastes. It’s all synth-pop-y, and as far as I can tell, you mostly like guitar-driven rock, and, well... I made one for you.” He chuckled softly, letting his forehead rest against Mateo’s, his eyes hopeful. “And if you’d like to come to the bedroom with me, príncipe, I could show it to you now?”
He sucked in a breath through his nose, tipping his head back to bare his neck for Blaine’s warm mouth. “Mm. I did notice. I was tempted to peek but I didn’t. I like your note by the way - your representation of yourself is uncanny,” he teased sweetly. Mateo teased his fingers along his submissive’s spine, knowing that there was more than a playlist waiting for him in the bedroom. “I would love to hear it, mi amor.” Getting to his feet, he kept Blaine in his arms, carrying his love into their room, stealing a kiss before setting him down on the bed. “Where would you like me?”
Blaine had to chuckle at Mateo’s teasing, pleased that he’d managed to amuse the both of them. That was exactly what he’d been hoping for. He drew in a sharp breath at the gentle hand trailing down his spine, nuzzling against his face lightly. When they were pressed this close together, he sometimes found it hard to look away from the endless depths of Mateo’s dark eyes. Heart pounding, he let himself be swept away to the bedroom - and only when he heard Mateo’s question did his head clear a little, and he remembered that, in his own way, he’d meant to be the one doing the sweeping away this time. He shook his head, laughing again as he rose up on his knees, taking Mateo’s face in his hands and stealing another kiss. “Well,” he said, once he came up for air again, “Why don’t you just take your pants off, love, and I’ll be right with you.” With an effort he tore himself away, darting off to get that playlist set up. He knew it was silly, really, to care so much about that part of things. But music, like sex itself, had always given him a way to express things to his beloved príncipe that he didn’t know how to put into words. He’d agonized nearly as much over the playlist as he had worried about the physical aspects of the night, taking songs off and putting them back on, until he felt it was as close to perfect as he could make it. When he turned back around, padding back over to where he’d left Mateo by the bed, it was with a soundtrack rising around him, and a new confidence as he pulled him into his arms. “Just lie back for me,” he whispered, his eyes bright. “We’ll take this slow.”
Rarely did he take a backseat when it came to their encounters. Normally, he was the one pushing. He was the one carrying Blaine, undressing him, making him squirm and whine. This time though - it was his turn to be taken care of. And while he was nervous for the act itself, he knew Blaine would be nothing short of reverent. Worshipful. Everything his boy was whenever they were together normally. Nodding, Mateo stripped off what remained of his clothing, his heart pounding as he laid back against the bed. The soft music made him smile, and he leaned into Blaine’s arms, pressing a loving kiss to his lips. “I know, mi amor. I trust you,” he whispered, stroking his hands over his lover’s back slowly.
As their mouths came together, Blaine sucked greedily at his lips and tongue, drinking him in. “Thank you, mi vida.” His body rolled downward, his cock sliding against Mateo's thigh. They broke apart, and taking a deep, shaky breath, he kissed his way over his collarbone, down his chest, then slid downward, his hands massaging his way down the sides of Mateo's body, his tongue tracing reverently over his abs. He hadn't done nearly enough body worship lately - not that he really thought there was such a thing as enough. Blaine nuzzled at the base of his cock, then gave the shaft a couple of soft, lingering kisses, kneading his hands over strong thighs. He lifted his head for a second, just to look at him, his eyes slowly trailing back up to meet Mateo's. All mine, he thought, his head buzzing, dizzy with it. Gently, he lifted Mateo's thigh, pushing his leg back a bit, and lowered his head to lap at his hole.
He ran his fingers through Blaine’s hair as the submissive kissed down his body. The sensations were much better to focus on than his lingering nerves. This was Blaine. Blaine, who knew him more intimately than anyone else ever would - Blaine, who he would share the rest of his life and firsts with. Mateo moaned softly as lips brushed his cock, his legs parting for those strong fingers massaging his thighs. A louder sound followed, that lovely mouth dipping lower. He grabbed the back of his own thigh, pulling his leg back towards his chest to give Blaine more room. “Mm, that feels so good, mi amor,” he murmured, arching up slightly into the warm wetness.
Blaine kept his hand on the back of Mateo’s thigh, squeezing it gently in answer. His other hand idly teased at his love’s cock, tracing the patterns of skin and veins with a single finger, but he was too distracted by his main task for anything more than that. With a soft murmur, he slid his tongue more firmly over the twitching flesh, slowly pressing his way inside, his eyes flicking up to watch Mateo’s reaction as he did.
He whined softly when he felt the pressure of Blaine’s tongue on his hole. A deep, rumbling moan of approval worked through his chest, his free hand tangling into dark curls. “Oh god… don’t stop,” he whispered, rocking up again to meet Blaine’s mouth, his other leg lifting to widen himself even further. “You always know just how to touch me, baby, so perfect…”
Each little noise his gorgeous love made sent a jolt through Blaine, left his cock aching and needy. Not for the first time, he was grateful for every edge, every bit of teasing his Dom had put him through, because he'd need every bit of the restraint he'd learned to get through this. Moaning himself, he buried his face between Mateo's cheeks, sucking messily at his hole, his tongue flicking inside. His face rocked downward, working his hips into the mattress, fucking him with his tongue, until finally, shaking, he made himself stop. "Everything I know, I learned from you, my love," he said, panting, even though a few minutes had passed. His hand slid down, kneading over one of Mateo's full, muscular cheeks. For all the talk about his own ass, privately, he thought Mateo's was better - sculpted as if from marble. He paused for a second, in the stillness between the songs switching, then nodded to the nightstand. "Pass me the lube, please? Don't worry..." He grinned, shifting them both so that Mateo's calves rested on his shoulders. "I'll keep your legs where I want them."
Mateo swallowed hard, his thighs and ass twitching as he fought not to just blatantly hump up against his submissive’s mouth. Fuck. The pleasure his boy was bringing him was making him completely forget about the lingering nerves. He huffed a breathless laugh, looking down at Blaine. “Such a flatterer, mi amor,” he whispered. His ass lifted, pushing into the strong fingers kneading his muscled cheeks. He didn’t quite have the bubble butt his boy did, but Mateo did admit he had a nice ass. Stretching to the nightstand, he handed the lube over to Blaine, shaking his head. “Oh will you, baby? You seem quite intent on a certain goal,” he teased.
“It’s not flattery if it’s true,” he said, grinning, loving the way Mateo’s body responded to him. He spread his cheeks wide, brushing his thumb over the tight ring of muscle. Blaine swallowed thickly. He’d have to be patient. “Well… I’ve wanted this for a long time.” He flicked open the lube, liberally coating his fingers. “Not as much as I wanted you inside me, sir, but - nearly. I want to make love to you in every way we can.” Slowly, he pressed the pad of his finger to Mateo’s hole, rubbing in a circle, before gradually pushing inside. “I want everything with you, my love.”
Mateo drew in a sharp breath as Blaine played with his hole, making a shudder tear down his spine. “Mm… yeah. I want you to do that too, baby. I want every first with you,” he murmured. He arched his hips up into Blaine’s touch, groaning softly when that slim digit pushed inside of him. He knew some Dominants didn’t consider bottoming to their submissives, but Mateo was looking forward to sharing this pleasure with his boy. “Another, baby. I want you,” he rasped out, raking one hand down Blaine’s chest.
Blaine swallowed hard, his chest heaving under Mateo’s fingers. Every time he felt a flash of nerves, Mateo did something to boost his confidence, without even realizing it. “So demanding,” he teased, lightly. “Yes, sir.” His smile wicked, he slid a second finger in next to the first, still careful - but not quite as slow. His love felt so impossibly tight… He worked his fingers apart by just a fraction of an inch, once, twice, a third time, then withdrew, replacing them with three fingers in a tight triangle.
His hips arched up, a low sound catching in his throat as Blaine added another finger inside of him. “Mm… I’m your Dom, I’m meant to be demanding, aren’t i?” he whispered thickly. Mateo couldn’t help the way his body moved into Blaine’s touch, rocking down against those fingers. He was craving the pressure of more, of Blaine inside of him how no one else had been. His fingers dug into Blaine’s upper arms as three fingers pushed into him. “Fuck, that feels so good, baby,” he groaned.
Blaine gave a breathless chuckle, wishing that he could kiss him. Soon. "If you want to be," he said, lightly. It didn't bother him if his Dom wanted to keep a little token control over the situation, and he wanted to be sure Mateo knew that. As badly as Blaine wanted this, as long as he'd wanted it, he was doing it for his Mateo, first and foremost. To please him, and as a physical expression of how very loved he was. "Sometimes it might be okay to let me take care of you, my love. But only if you want." His eyes lingered on Mateo's as he pulled his fingers free. Chewing his lip, he reached for the lube again, slicked himself up. Lined himself up. "You may want to take a deep breath and let it out slowly, príncipe." His eyes sparkled as the head of his cock teased at Mateo’s hole. "Or not. It's your call."
He looked up at Blaine warmly, stroking slowly over his arms. “You take care of me more than you know, poquito,” he whispered back, his voice shaking thanks to the onslaught of pleasure racing through him. Mateo gulped, watching his boy slick up his cock, trying to push away those lingering, fading nerves. “Of the two of us, you know more about being in this position so…” He took in a deep breath, the sound slightly shuddering, and let it out. A groan followed quickly on the heels of his breath as his love pushed into him, a light hint of pain pulsing through him, making him wince slightly. “Don’t stop…”
Biting his lip, Blaine shook his head slightly, the playful cockiness of moments before completely gone. He swallowing hard, then used his hand to keep himself aligned, determined to make this good for his love. For a few seconds, it felt like there was no way he was going to fit inside, but then the tight band of muscle gave way, just a little. He pressed forward and down, open-mouthed and breathless, easing into him in one continuous, painfully slow motion, until he finally bottomed out deep inside his body. Overwhelmed, he bent forward, and let his forehead rest on Mateo’s chest, sweat slick between them. It was all so much better, so much more, than he could have imagined: not just the squeeze and pull of his muscles around the length of his cock, but the awareness of being inside Mateo, surrounded and enveloped by him, and of the trust that had been placed in him. The music, the Van Morrison song, seemed to fade in and out around him, the singer’s words drifting in and out of his consciousness. ‘And you shall take me strongly in your arms again… my sweet thing...’ Blaine shook, and the hand that wasn’t still gripping Mateo’s hip slid up the side of his body to cup his face. His sweet thing.
They say that sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you. Do you feel this is true? Why or why not?
“Hi, everybody. I have... kind of a long story to tell today, if that’s okay? It’s a little hard to get through, so I have my Dom standing up with me. I hope that’s okay, too.
I first came out at fifteen. Sometimes people say that was brave of me, and maybe it was, a little. But it was partly naive. I just didn’t really believe anyone would ever hate me, if they had a chance to know me. I never hated anyone myself. And I still don’t, for that matter. So I thought, well, I could always show the world that I didn’t mean any harm. That all I wanted was to be happy, and to be loved. Who would hate someone for that? So I came out. My family was great, my friends joked that they’d always suspected... Not everyone at school understood, but I thought they would one day, that they just needed time. I had my friends, and I thought everything was fine.
Fast-forward a year, and I was sixteen. There was a dance at our school, so I worked up my nerve and invited Josh, a boy I kind of liked. Almost as soon as we got there, I knew that despite what I’d thought, everything was not fine. A group moved in, blocked us off from our friends and the chaperones, and my brother and sister, so no one saw what was happening. They were so organized that it was actually kind of weird. I guess they must have heard we were planning to go together. They chased us out to the parking lot. Everyone else was inside. There were two of us, about eight of them. And I didn’t know how to fight.
I went down so easily that they tried to pull me back up a couple of times, before they gave up and started kicking, stomping… and when they tired themselves out, and decided they were done, they dragged us through the gravel and left us out back, right next to the dumpsters. This was in January. So for over an hour, while my friends and family were inside looking for me, I just lied there in the dirt and the freezing sludge, and bled, and hurt. I was unconscious when they found us. I... In the end I had a concussion, a broken arm and ribs, bruises, scrapes, a bunch of gravel embedded in my arm.
And this incident... it drove me right into the ground. For years.
I lost contact with a lot of my friends. Some of them just didn’t know how to be around me after the accident, but it was also that I felt more secure spending my evenings at home practicing piano and hanging out with my family, especially my Mom. I stopped doing community theater. I’ve told everyone that I pulled away from acting because some Dominants don’t want their subs working outside the home, and even among those who do - being a stage actor can require a sub to cover up their collar and pretend to be a Dominant, or simulate sex and scenes with other people, all in the most public way possible. But it’s also true that there are also a lot of Dominants who are very supportive of submissives having their own careers. And of the arts. And-and, when I first drew back, I didn’t know that I was going to be a submissive yet. I just didn’t want to be the center of attention anymore. I think you all know that I actually kind of love being the center of attention. But it just didn’t feel... safe.
For a while I took boxing lessons, because I felt like I needed to be able to protect myself. Now, I still work out with the heavy bag sometimes, but spending that much time boxing is actually a terrible idea for a pianist. I just wasn’t thinking logically at that point at all. Every single choice I made came down to being afraid. Weirdly, I also hurt myself, sometimes, in small ways - hitting the heavy bag for too long and too hard, holding my hand over a lit candle for as long as I could make myself. And around that time, I started using just... way too much hair gel, because it was suddenly really important that I keep control over whatever I could. Even my silly curly hair.
The assault had a huge impact on me, and I’ve had to ask myself - were the people who attacked me somehow the ones who made me a submissive? I still don’t fully know the answer to that one. Yes, I was always a people-pleaser, I always thrived on positive feedback, but it wasn’t a forgone conclusion that I’d be the sub of the family. Before I was attacked, I was outgoing, popular, even, and a lot more confident, and...
Well, I hated the idea that they might have had that much control over my life. A part of me still does. I was terrified of the idea of being a submissive, and what it might mean for my not just my dreams, but - well, I thought it might mean a life of being used and abused with no control over how. I think I started to associate the violence I experienced that life with my future as a sub, even though I knew from my parents’ example that it didn’t have to be anything like that. I kept picturing myself in situations more like the slaves in auction houses, and it kept me awake at nights... and, um... a part of me was turned on by it, because I was a sub-leaning teenager so of course I was, but I took it as confirmation that it was the future I was meant for. At times I wondered if life was even worth it... but I wasn’t exactly suicidal, I don’t think, it was more like - desperation. I just wanted to escape. To disappear.
When it came time to pick an institute, there were two main reasons that I chose this one. The first was that it was only a few hours away from my parents, and... well, Lima Heights a reputation for being one of the tougher ones, thanks to the Headmistress, but that translates into a higher graduation rate, which meant I’d be safer, long-term. At the same time, I was still so afraid of being a sub that after I got my mark, I headed for the nearest men’s room and stayed in there for like an hour, crying and throwing up. Although, to give myself a just little credit... I knew I didn’t want to spend my entire life paralyzed by fear. So I pulled myself together, and tried to do my best here. I stayed ‘out.’ I tried to made new friends, joined the glee club, and… when I met someone I really liked, I chose to take a risk. The best decision I’ve ever made.
My philosophy, before I belonged to my Dom, was that if I just broke myself down enough, then at least no one could ever break me. But of course, being a sub was never about being broken down. Life breaks you down - breaks all of us down - enough as it is. At this point, I think what being a submissive is really about is letting yourself be rebuilt.
... all right, so... if you’re still with me... sticks and stones. That’s the assigned topic, right?
I don’t always list homophobic slurs as one of my limits, because I go back and forth on whether it actually needs to be one or not. But the things those guys said to Josh and me that night - well, I won’t go into specifics. I’m sure you guys can imagine, right? They had a lot to say about what we were, and what we were good for. Language I hadn’t ever heard in real life, at that age.
Every physical injury I received that night healed within a couple of months. But their words stayed with me for much longer, and drove my fears just as much as the attack itself. Fortunately, in my case?
FtF: What classes do you think I ought to take this semester, príncipe? I kinda doubt anything will quite live up to taking bondage with you... I'm going to miss that so much.
FtF: Hmm, I’m not sure, love. Anything in particular catching your eye? I am going to miss bondage with you. Though we can still practice on a very, very regular basis.
I’ll be right there holding your hand, every moment. That’s all right, love. I’m not going to fault you for saying those things. If you feel you can say them, then say them. Airing those feelings might even help.
FtF: What classes do you think I ought to take this semester, príncipe? I kinda doubt anything will quite live up to taking bondage with you... I'm going to miss that so much.
FtF: Hmm, I’m not sure, love. Anything in particular catching your eye? I am going to miss bondage with you. Though we can still practice on a very, very regular basis.
FtF: I don’t mind putting those happy tears in your eyes. I will try. As you have had to learn to see yourself like I do, I’m still working on that. But I promise, mi amor, that I will strive to see myself through your eyes. And I hope to keep bringing that joy to your heart for as long as I can. You should know nothing but joy, my beautiful boy.
I am so fucking proud of you, Blaine. You’ve overcome so much in the past year, and I am so deliriously proud to be your partner. You’re the most amazing human I’ve ever known. I’ll be there right next to you, every moment.
Oh, love, thank you, I - it’ll all go much easier, if I can hold your hand. But I should warn you, there are a few things I’m going to mention that I haven’t even told you about, at least not in any detail... things about how I used to feel, how bad things got for me. I just hope you don’t feel that I’ve been holding out on you, because I haven’t felt that way in a long time.
... because since I’ve met you, I’ve felt more joy than any other emotion. I’m so proud to call myself yours. Mi príncipe. My beautiful Mateo.
[Blaine, @submissivelynick, @gabrielanderson and assorted glee boys]
“Hello everyone! For Motown week, we’d like to dedicate this song to our friends and our teammates: all the amazing women of glee club. Guys, if you want to come up and sing too, please do - or just sing along if you know the words!”
FtF: What classes do you think I ought to take this semester, príncipe? I kinda doubt anything will quite live up to taking bondage with you... I'm going to miss that so much.
FtF: Hmm, I’m not sure, love. Anything in particular catching your eye? I am going to miss bondage with you. Though we can still practice on a very, very regular basis.
I’m so proud of you, poquito. I love that you’re seeing yourself as I see you. My beautiful, passionate, wonderful boy.
FtF: My sweet love…. you’re making me tear up a little. At least they’re happy tears. I hope you know that I see all of that, and more, in you, too. Just like you mean everything you say to me, I always mean everything I say to you, so please, never be afraid I’m putting you on a pedestal again. I’m telling you the plain and simple truth, when I say that he light and joy you’ve brought into my world - it’s everything that I once thought I’d lost, and so much more than I’d ever dreamed possible. Tú eres mi cielo. Para siempre.
Oh, gosh, that reminds me. I meant to say earlier, sir, but I’m finally going to tell everyone my story, in guidance class on Friday. The story of - the assault. It took me a long time to feel ready to talk about it with anyone but you, but in a way, I think I ought to have been talking about it all this time. It might actually help someone to hear it. It’s still going to be hard, but I know I can make it through. I know that I’m strong enough, and brave enough, because you tell me so.
PRIVATE: He’s a good person, he just did me really wrong. But part of that was my fault and I can own that much. You have to listen to what a person is telling you. I just hope he doesn’t do the same thing with Emrys or anyone else. I wish him all the luck, but I kinda wish I could have put out that album now. Could have been gone platinum.You’re right, but I feel like either one of my sisters would have done it save me and that wouldn’t have been the kind of claim I wanted. It would have been really sweet and I know it’s a real act of love and compassion though, I totally agree with that. Yeah, because you don’t see familial links like you see your status in the world. It’s nice and I know a lot of submissive don’t want that, but I really like how full my house was growing up. We’re still getting to know each other but we’re getting along well.
It really is such a good song. I agree with that and it was so much fun performing it. I wouldn’t object to us doing a duet at all. It’ll be a lot of fun. I go back and forth about being in the spotlight. Sometimes I want it, sometimes I don’t. It’s sad, isn’t it? It makes me miss them a lot but we do deserve one hell of a celebration for surviving.
PM: I hope so, too. Emrys is a sweet guy. And, I know, right? I can just hear you doing the spoken word intro to ‘Hold Up,’ now. Anyway. I guess in the end, all that matters is that you’re happy now, with the person you love most. All roads led you here.
I’ll have to get to work on duet ideas for our voices, then! I sort of understand that, about the spotlight, and sort of don’t. It’s one of the things I’ve loved most, all my life, but there have been long periods of time when I’ve needed to be away from it. I was never in a good place, though, during those times. Anyway... I’m still in touch with a few people online. Not as much as I’d like, but it’s something. It helps me a lot to know that... most of the people who have moved on, have only left because they had to, not because they ever wanted to leave us. And it also helps to keep in touch a little, and know that they’re happy, wherever they’ve landed.
Hey you. I hope you’re doing good, you and Sir Mateo. Have you figured out what you’re singing for Motown week yet? Definitely looking forward to prom as well; last year was mine and Caelan’s first date.
We really are! And, can I just say, aww. Prom is a bit of an anniversary for my Sir and I, too. And yes! I’m throwing together a bit of a male group number, sir! You just have to join in, we’ll be singing ‘My Girl.’ Please?
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