I PRONOUNCE MY HEART AN OPEN WOUND THAT DISOBEYS.

"I was wearing my father’s old sweatpants and you wanted to kiss me anyway, but instead I cried at your kitchen table, and later in your bed. You must have loved me a lot, to take a knee to all that sorrow. I must’ve loved you a lot. You must have felt like the world, or at least like a home, some sidewalk worn from haunting, some hospital nostalgic for a ghost. I remember everything like a dream, your hand close to mine on your kitchen counter, but not touching, your mouth like a holy book. Your hand close to mine, but still an ocean away, lips parted like the sea, then closed again, a thousand words we never said to each other." TWENTY-NINE. PARAMEDIC. DOWNTOWN. ( )

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A T   1 1 : 4 2   A M   O N   S A T U R D A Y,    A U G U S T   2 N D with @liliberks downtown.

          “I really appreciate you meetin’ up with me on such short notice.” Sydney’s fingers still trailed over the intricate weave of a handmade beach blanket on display but her eyes cast back to settle upon Lili’s face. When she texted that morning she hadn’t been sure what to expect. Lili no doubt had her hands full between the store and the rest of her social life. True to nature she didn’t disappoint, though, and in no time at all they’d found themselves aimlessly wandering through row upon row of market stalls. “It’s just--- it’s August, y’know?” The one time of the year she absolutely dreaded the most. August meant the end of summer. It meant reminders and memories of accidents she’d give a limb to forget. “I woke up ten kinds of restless and needed to get out of the house before I burnt it to the ground. Besides,” That time the edge of her mouth twitched, indicating the promise of a smile. “I think I’ve been goin’ through Lili withdrawals on top of it all.”

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L U C A S   R E E V E S.

Lucas winced at the mention of double chocolate chip pancakes as if his teeth were already harboring the pain of that much sugar. How Sydney could eat such vast quantities of sugar would always amaze him no matter what. “Slathered in jam, too? God, you really are gonna make breakfast difficult aren’t you?” He said, shaking his head at her with a faint smile. Considering he still owed her a homecooked dinner, perhaps he shouldn’t have been complaining about breakfast so much, even if it was all in jest. Sydney’s attempt to steal him away for lunch and dinner as well wasn’t too surprising, even if he was fairly certain if he took her up on the offer them she’d gladly make it happen. Truth be told, spending an entire day with Sydney sounded more heavenly than she realized, however, life always seemed to get in the way. “I’ve gotta run to the roadhouse tomorrow night but I won’t refuse lunch” It seemed to be the new normal at this point considering everyone who had been stopping by to bring him lunch at the studio. Micah, Naomi, and now Sydney. At least Sydney would be the only one who was rightfully welcomed, “Naomi said there’s a place downtown with somethin’ called a fried peanut butter sandwich. Sounds like it’d be more up your alley than mine” he threw out as a suggestion since it was a lot closer to double chocolate chip pancakes than anything else.

"I wouldn’t say officially but yeah, I guess so” Lucas shrugged his shoulders. He often felt a lot older than he was, something about prison sort of made you age faster –– forced you to mature while simultaneously crushing your young spirit. That was probably why he hadn’t been so keen on celebrations in the last few years. When he was younger and his birthday came around it then you could catch him at his favorite bar indulging way too many drinks with his friends. But these days? He enjoyed being on his own to reflect and perhaps cherish the fact that he was granted another year. “I don’t know, maybe head up the coast to Minnesott Beach or something” He hadn’t quite decided yet but either way he’d be by the way far from Wilmington. “See the thing about her is that she’s perfect for me, no upgrade required” Lucas argued with a smirk. After all, his bike had probably been the longest-lasting relationship he’d ever had since his father gifted it to him at sixteen. 

        "I wouldn't be me if I made things easy, would I?" Sydney's mouth tipped to the right, her smile soft yet undeniably smug. "I fully intend to make you work, and I'll enjoy witnessin' every second of it while you do." Literally. A fingertip lifted to touch upon her lower lip, then began to slowly tap away. "What are the chances you got an apron hidden somewhere around here? 'Cause I think somethin' frilly and pink around those hips would really just make the scene." One chef's kiss later she devolved into a fit of laughter, head bent to the back of his couch until dark curls snagged against the fabric. "But yeah, okay." With her attention now raptly fixed to his face and the warmth of whiskey settling through her limbs she drew her knees back to her side. Let herself sink into a state of total comfort categorically only achieved around him. "If you can remember the name of the place we'll go track it down tomorrow." She couldn't even be mad at losing out on dinner together when, in all honestly, she hadn't even expected Lucas to agree to lunch. "Since I won't see you on the big day maybe I'll scrounge up some candles to stab in there while we're at it. Even if you don't celebrate you gotta make a wish." And since his bike wouldn't make sure he honored tradition once his boots touched back down she'd have to step up to the plate, herself. Lip tucked behind her teeth she quietly studied him again then, in a split second decision, changed her offer. "Or you could always swing by on your way outta town." Whether he preferred it that way or not it didn't feel right to skip out on his birthday altogether. Now when she sat there every bit aware that the deepest, truest part of her still yearned to find permanence in Lucas' life. To be the reason a smile lit up his face, even if only in the smallest way. "I won't risk your saddlebags with a full cake, but--- I can make you somethin' special for the road." She'd no doubt sneak a present in, too, but that much Syd could keep to herself.

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W E S T O N   T A Y L O R.

                   “By the lack of tryin’, Syd. Or seein’.” He shook his head, unable to resist the way the chuckles had begun to rumble. If he remembered correctly… which, for argument’s sake he always did, she had done just fine. It hadn’t been lost on him that such was because of the crowd they ran with ── Sydney had her fair share of hardships she battled with during their childhood, but Wes also liked to think that their class had been a bit unorthodox. But, at the same time, that could have been just him. Not everyone had been like him, and ventured around the hallways ensuring everyone got an invite to his party after the football game on a Friday night. Shaking his head, Wes laughed again, the memories still fresh and real and had him feeling nostalgic. “You’re gonna call me crazy, but yeah. I miss it. Those Friday night lights… cold pizza and warm soda at our bonfires on Saturday. Bein’ obnoxious and gettin’ glares from your dance judges at your shows. And school, yeah, I can’t believe it either. I miss it.” Shrugging his shoulders, Wes then jokingly looped his arm around her shoulders, then squeezed her lightly into his body.  He glanced down toward Sydney with brows creased, knowing the mention could be a tad bit awkward, but had been thankful for the avoidance in that very moment as the last thing that he had wanted to dive into was the issue between Sydney and his sister. “Yeah… I know. S’just gets old, but you make the fine points.” He squeezed her shoulders again though this time he swiveled her around to squeeze her lightly against his chest, then released her to give her back her space. “Mm, nah, I ain’t denyin’ that i miss ya, but you definitely miss me. More than you wanna admit.” 

         Home games. Bonfires on the beach. Even all those weekend dance competitions far out of town--- Sydney cut Weston a knowing, sidelong glance. It wasn't long before a smirk followed, dangling off her lips with decades old mischief. "Maybe it wasn't all bad," she eventually relented, "but I'd absolutely call you crazy for wantin' to go back. No--- correction. I'd call you certifiably insane." It wasn't just because she hadn't personally enjoyed it enough for a round two, but because she refused to believe she'd already peaked. That her so-called 'glory days' were well and truly behind her. There were far too many adventures and accomplishments she still hadn't conquered. Too many dreams she couldn't let die. She shuddered to think whatever lingered in the locker lined halls of her youth was as good as it got. "But I guess I might feel the same way as you if I'd had all the pretty young things from here to Raleigh screamin' my name every Friday night, too." The sway of her hip bumped against Wes' side mere seconds before she found herself locked in an unanticipated embrace. Lithe arms moved to his shoulders, returning it happily, before they both eased apart with a laugh from her end. "Me? Admit to somethin' that'll just go straight to your head?" With a tsk and a quick shake of raven curls she vowed, "Not on your life, Taylor. You gotta put in work if you wanna get any affection outta me." More snickers trailed them all the way to the bar. Lifting two fingers, Syd heralded down more champagne, then turned back to square off during the wait. "If you're really feelin' better, though, we should meet up again this weekend." Verbalized or not she had missed seeing him around. "Maybe we can take the dogs for a run on the beach. Grab breakfast when we're done?"

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B E T H   D R Y D E N.

“I mean you’ve never officially confessed but you and Greer know what I’m thinking before I do, so it’s hardly a surprise.” Beth rolled her eyes a little, although she was unable to stop the smirk from appearing on her mouth. “I know we all like to pretend that I had Ellie by immaculate conception, so I think the claim is much stronger with her, you know? Might have a hard time convincing people of this one.” Patting her still flat stomach a couple of times, Beth waited for Sydney to straighten up before taking a seat on one of the kitchen stools, watching the various items of food as they were pulled out of the bag. “It’s really hard to gage what is making my water because I want to eat it or because I’m about to gag.” Although, as soon as the sugar cookies were place in front of her, Beth reached out to grab them. “Oh my god, I don’t remember the last time I smelt something that didn’t make me immediately leave the room.” Plucking a cookie from the packaging, Beth took a small bite, testing herself before taking a larger bite. “God, that’s good.” Taking another bite, Beth dusted the crumbs off of her fingers as she chewed and swallowed. “A lemon and ginger tea would be great and if you wanted to make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I wouldn’t complain.” Laughing quietly as she finished her cookie, Beth shook her head. “I’m not sure who would fight you harder, Dixie or Beau. Do you think me trading her for frosted sugar cookies is going to come up in therapy when she’s older?”

         “I dunno. I’ve already started plantin’ seeds of doubt in Beau’s head. It’s only a matter of time before the rest of the world follows suit.” Sooty lashes brushed the high curve of her cheek in a wink. There’d never come a day when Sydney stopped claiming paternity over Beth’s children - biology, logic, and boyfriends be damned. Moving around the kitchen, the sound of laughter trailing in her wake, she cast a smirk over the line of her shoulder. “And luckily for Ellie I already have a great shrink on speed dial.” They just wouldn’t point out how or why she’d needed one, herself, in the first place. Not just because Syd hated any reminder of her experience during the hurricane, but because she didn’t need to remind Beth of Beau’s. She left the tiny joke stand alone, instead putting all her attention to the task at hand. One cup of tea and sandwich later, she slid both plate and cup across the island and finally claimed the stool closest to her best friend. “How is Ellie taking the news of a brother or sister, though? Is she excited?”

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J A M I E   F I T Z P A T R I C K.

“I said _badder _that ever. You went from one hundred perfect to, like, one hundred and ten. Sue me for complimenting you Syd, huh?” Jamie laughed, head shaking at their cousin’s own humor. _This, _this is what they’d missed, **fun. **No guilt, no being reminded of their near-death experience, but feeling like they were normal, out and up to their usual antics, and knowing that Sydney would be there to help them feel _normal _again. “I mean, I think the two of us could talk anyone _out _of any article of clothing, but, like, ew. Not a hottie. Wouldn’t suggest either of us to that hot mess express.” Pausing to sip, they’d keep prattling on — “_Speaking _of hot mess expresses, how’s things with you? Aunt Erin still trying to plan an arranged marriage?”

         “Oh—-“ Syd tipsily drawled, mouth puckered to the word’s very shape as Jamie’s clarification sank in. Not a second later she cracked a grin. “Well in that case, darling, carry on and compliment away.” Who was she to stop him? With the tip of her tongue trapped between her teeth Sydney giggled, then let her arm drape their shoulder again. Out of them both Jamie undoubtedly needed this night more, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t benefit. Since they’d gotten there she hadn’t stopped laughing once - even if at her own expense. “It’s been long enough that I might have no other choice.” At the rate her love life improved there’d likely be nobody else. “I think Erin’s about ready to hand me off to anyone with at least half their teeth and a fat ass goat.” She couldn’t understand why Syd showed zero interest in her lineup of eligible colleagues, and Syd couldn’t be bothered to explain. “Barring that? I’m sure she’s already asked your mom for the number of a good nunnery.”

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S T E P H A N I E   L E N O X.

A burbling laugh Steph was just getting to know mingled with the admittedly more-familiar sounds of Sydney’s amusement, and she broke into a smile as she rounded the corner to the strip of pavement behind Kilwin’s, secondary stack of napkins in hand. “Like I could ever hold you spoilin’ this charmer against you.” Like she could ever hold anything against Sydney, more like – the bond they shared having withstood time, and drifting apart, and far too many things in between. “But I’m not buyin’ this accidentally angle, you’re gonna have to come up with a better story than that.” Something which Steph had no doubt Sydney was fully capable of. “And you, young man–” Mock serious, Steph knelt before the stroller, a few squirts from her water bottle dampening a clean napkin, before she wiped Parker’s face clean, “You don’t know what a treat you’re not appreciatin’.”

         A better story? Sydney, almost grimacing, tapped the rounded edge of a nail against her teeth. “Alright... Would you believe me if I said the spoon grew legs? It even did the tango on it’s way into his mouth.” After a conspiratorial glance toward the baby she met Stephanie’s stare. Her eyes sparkled with the approach of another chuckle. “Honestly, Park and I were born really impressed.” And then, just to back her claim, Syd helped the utensil boogie it’s way back to her sundae - this time devouring the bite herself. She’d have no trouble appreciating every last melted drop for him. For a few moments she quietly observed the scene in front of her, wondering at how far they’d come, before the corner of her mouth tipped to a smile. “This really suits you, you know. Motherhood.” Not that it’d ever been in doubt. “A few years from now I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a whole army of little you’s crowdin’ my feet for a hopeful slip of ice cream.”

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M I C A H   P R I O R.

Micah wasn’t an experienced matchmaker, but she knew better than to tell Sydney that she’d had conversations about her with Lucas and that he hadn’t reacted nearly as bad as even she thought he would. “I think I’m not the one who should be asking him that. It’s clear you’re still interested with all your vague answers and shifty eyes. You’re probably about to tell me you don’t wanna ruin the friendship or some shit, but do you really think you can be just friends with him? After everything?” The blonde asked her skeptically. She could never be simply friends with Sean after what they’d been through because she was so in love with him. Friendship would never be enough. Sydney and Lucas, well, they struck her more as the epic romance type than just good buddies. “I don’t know, Syd, I won’t pretend to know all the inner workings of your relationship, but it feels like you’re both just… pretending.”

         So maybe Micah had a point on multiple fronts. Maybe it was a conversation better had between the two people directly involved, maybe she was still interested, and maybe she was absolutely terrified to risk it all by admitting that. Her eyes said it all even though she kept unusually tight lipped about where she stood. “I’m not sure.” Some days she reminded herself they were lucky to even be able to call themselves that much after the hell they’d put each other through. Other days the very thought of watching him move on with his life from the sidelines annihilated her soul. As always, nothing could be simple when it came to her relationship with Lucas. Eventually Syd murmured, “If I don’t say somethin’ I’m pretending, but if I admit I still see a future with him when he doesn’t see one with me I’m delusional.” It wasn’t funny, but a laugh threatened to spill, anyway. “I dunno about you, Mic, but in my world that’s what we like to call a lose lose.”

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B E A U   H A Y W O O D.

“Okay, woman. Don’t push it, mmk? You get plenty out of me as it stands, includin’, like, kickin’ me out of my own bed with my girlfriend. Take the hand-outs you do get and be happy with ‘em.” Head tilting as he looked at Sydney, Beau would flash a smirk. “Who do you think was hittin’ off me when I was learnin’ to pitch? I’d like to see you go head to head with Sadie Haywood. She’ll ruin your day, guaranteed.” Beau could only imagine how far from the imagine of doting mother bringing dinner to the squad she might be if she had to go toe-to-toe to compete over her first grandchild. 

Beau would shrug his shoulders, gaze drifting off towards the water. Inhaling through his nose, he mellowed as the scent of salt consumed his senses. “I don’t know, y’know? I’m, uh… I’m just worried. Showing up is easy, but I’ve never been too good at that, and you know what they say about old habits.” His tone was sort of listless - the omission raw as any was shared between the pair. As was the norm, the pair could admit anything to one another, judgement free. “And I know I’m not the only one worried about backsliding.”

         The temptation to remind Beau she’d been a regular on the other side of Beth’s bed long before he came around was almost hard to resist. Had it not been for the turn in their conversation Syd likely would’ve caved. As it was she settled him with a brief, narrowed gaze and then moved on to what actually mattered. “Correction: previously weren’t so good at that.” She swirled a fry through her puddle of ranch but never once took eyes off his face. “Who you were before isn’t who you are now, Beau. It’s part of your story but that habit’s not gonna be your grave.” 

        Although she hadn’t said it in so many words she was proud of him and all the progress he’d made. Prouder still of how well he’d stepped up to the plate for her best friend and god daughter. Maybe Beau couldn’t see it but he’d already proven himself ten times over where Ellie was concerned. “Who else is worried?” And then, because she couldn’t help herself, she teasingly wondered, “Do I need to break some knees?”

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L U C A S   R E E V E S.

The invitation might have seemed casual and meaningless but they had far too much history for Lucas to throw an offer like that out so carelessly. The truth was that he missed having Sydney around and while it was nice to see her once in a while when she picked up Harley, Lucas wanted a little more than that. However, he didn’t think she’d take him up on it so easily so he was pleasantly surprised when she agreed. “Alright, good,” He said with a nod and a faint smile. It probably wasn’t a good idea but when had either of them ever not jumped onto a bad idea before? Still, Lucas could justify it in his mind that it truly was late and it seemed cruel to let her out dressed to the nine’s all the way back to her apartment. At least this way she could relax and spend a little more time with Harley… and him. Once she started on the breakfast aspect of the deal, however, Lucas couldn’t help the way a long sigh escaped out of him and his goofy grin reappeared. “Just thinkin’ about chocolate chip pancakes drowning in syrup are making my teach ache right now” He argued, shaking his head at her while his smile only grew. He never did have much of a sweet tooth but that never stopped him from eating all the chocolate chip cookies Sydney had ever left for him and it certainly wouldn’t stop him from those pancakes either. “Well if I’m making breakfast you can expect an Irish coffee and a slice of toast. If I’m feelin’ fancy I’ll put some strawberry jam on the toast” He said with a smirk, mostly joking. While Lucas wasn’t the most skilled chef in the world, he knew the basics and was sure he could muster up something in the morning for both of them if he put his mind to it. 

Taking another sip from his whiskey, Lucas set it on the coffee table and moved closer to Sydney on the couch. “Yeah well I had two twenty-somethin’s working part-time at the studio, these kids do all their dating online and it’s not really my style” he shrugged his shoulders. Lucas had never been very good at expressing himself with words through a screen anyway and he was far too old to be trying to now. “Relationships aren’t supposed to feel like a ball and chain, at least ours never felt that way,” Lucas said, at least he never thought they were. Even when he and Sydney were together he never thought of her as a burden or some sort of gatekeeper of his time and energy. “Besides, sweet sweet freedom is me and my bike, no girl’s ever gonna come close” he added with a widening smile. 

          Being there, staying the night, hearing him declare it all a good thing--- Syd’s stomach did another somersault in happy disbelief. The good mood carried over from prom damn near tripled on the spot. "Just be thankful I didn't ask for double chocolate chocolate chip pancakes,” she teased. “What would happen to your poor teeth then?" With a smirk dangled off her lips she nudged his thigh with her knee. "But on the off chance you don't have an ounce of chocolate in sight? Sure. I'll be fine with a nice strong cup'a coffee.” When it came to breakfast the what didn’t matter nearly as much as the who she’d be sharing it with. "Throw in some jam slathered toast and I might even be nice enough to treat you to lunch. Hell, spring for some powdered sugar on top and I add in dinner.” Was it a stretch to claim his next twenty-four hours, even hypothetically? Sure, but Sydney couldn’t stop herself. Something within her had to test the waters. Exactly how much of her was too much for him? At what point did they draw a new line? 

         Her eyes trailed over his face, undoubtedly in an attempt to read Lucas’ mind, while she took another slow sip. Then, almost immediately, it caught in her throat. “Those kids?” Somehow between snickers she managed to claim, “I almost forgot in a few days you officially become an old man.” Which, naturally, was a blatant lie - and not even a good one, at that. She’d never forget his birthday so long as she breathed. Every detail of him, of them, was permanently etched into her brain. “But yeah, you’re right.” When they were together she’d never felt shackled or chained. Sticking it out was a choice not an obligation. Though she suspected he knew that deep down, she made a point to admit, “I wanted to be with you even when things weren’t that great.” Even on their darkest days she never once considered a life without him. For Syd he was it--- even if Lucas couldn’t say the same. “Right.” Her eyes narrowed in playful offense for a split second. “Speaking of your one true love, where are y’all headed this year? Is she at least bakin’ you a cake? ‘Cause if not I’d say she’s slackin’ on the job. You might be due for an upgrade.”

[certasluas]

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How was prom?

“Surprisingly good all the way through the end of the night. I mean, I didn’t walk away with a plastic crown, but you could say the unexpected consolation prize made up for it later.”

HONESTY HOUR.

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What is your favorite childhood memory?

“Bumblebees, sticky popsicle fingers on guitar strings, and layin’ underneath the swing set counting stars after dark.”

HONESTY HOUR.

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What is something that makes you feel better when you're feeling down?

“Orgasms, ice cream, and breakin’ things."

HONESTY HOUR.

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What fictional character would you most like to be your best friend? Which one do you think would be your sworn enemy?

“Shawn Spencer from Psych. Sign me the fuck up. I’m really not sure about a sworn enemy, though. I can’t think of anybody off the top of my head.”

HONESTY HOUR.

[sydncyfitzpatrickarchive]

what kicks in first: your fight response, or your flight response?

“Okay but--- have you met me? I couldn’t walk away from a fight if my life depended on it. Literally. For someone with what I’d call at least average self preservation instincts it’s astonishing how many times I’ve found myself in a bind just ‘cause I couldn’t walk away or shut my damn mouth."

HONESTY HOUR.

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do you have a favorite memory with your cousins?

“With all of ‘em? Almost every memory I have with those dickheads, favorite or otherwise, starts with a deck of Uno cards and a few empty bottles of Jameson on Aunt Colleen’s roof. If not there it’s in a backyard somewhere with an old football or a baseball bat and - surprise, surprise - more booze. Nine and a half out of ten times they always end in a fight, and usually that fight was between me and O, but I think that's just part of what made them so fun. There’s not much I enjoy more than rilin’ him up just to see how long it takes for his head to explode.”

( FEATURING: @sfitzpatrick, @owensfitzpatrick, @lenorefitzpatrick, and @jamie-fitzpatrick )

HONESTY HOUR.