#$diaries

[slutforgrey]

why can't i just find a movie with these vibes? beautiful cinematography movie where nothing really happens, coming of age, starting out alone then it's a group of depressed strangers, smoking, melancholy, self reflection, driving around a beautiful city at 2am with beautiful music and my head out the window with my hair flowing in the wind, screaming at the top of my lungs?

something like the bridge driving scene in the turkish series ask101 or something like "more than you know - axwell /\ ingrosso" music video, or the car scene in perks of being a wallflower.

I yearn to live this life, i yearn to have this experience, but instead i have no friends. my parents won't let me go out. and i live in a 3rd world country. i fucking envy anyone who's experienced this even once. i envy anyone who has a beautiful city view, anyone who lives in la, anyone who has adventurous friends. i yearn with every cell inside of me to live this life. and there's no way for me to experience or express that. there's no movie or series that i can see this through, that i can feel this heavenly feeling through even just once. i want to live this life and have it on video. and part of me wants to become a producer and make a movie like this, while also being the actress. i know what it's like to yearn for a life you'll never have.

i yearn with an ache that takes over every thought. ever since i was 13 I've felt trapped in my own life. i just want to be free.

is that too much to ask?