“There you are!”
It’s all the warning he gets before lips are pressed against his own. Surprise shocks through him. He doesn’t even close his eyes. He can’t. She’s gorgeous, as gorgeous as the image that kept him alive and sane for his whole life. Her hair is shining, her face is perfect, she looks happy. She tastes like strawberry gloss and he remembers, belatedly, how short their time was together.
“I’ve been looking for you,” she says earnestly, “everywhere. I’m so glad I found you.”
He knew this was going to happen, how could he not know? But he can’t move. He can only take her in helplessly, desperately. Like it’s the last time he might see her because, God help him, it might be. He can look at this perfect image, he can drown in it for a moment. He’s earned this ghost. He’s bled for it. He always knew he’d go to hell but he thought that maybe if he found a way to the other place, this is what would be waiting for him. Even though he could never deserve it. So he accepts his weakness and he lets this wash over him. He bows his head into her hand as she rubs her thumb across his cheekbone, tries not to cringe as her fingers stroke across the oldest of scars on his chest.
“Kevin I missed you so much,” she says earnestly, “I never should have left. You’re the love of my life, we belong together. We always have. We always will. You’re my family, Kevin, you always were. I’m so sorry I didn’t see it sooner.”
He can’t stop the emotion that strangles him at her words. The wound that’s still carved into him from them is being picked at. He can feel it cracking open. He’s played this conversation so many times but he can’t remember a single thing he was supposed to say. All those words and the only thing that escape his lips is a soft, broken sound. It’s met with her easy laugh and once again he feels so stupid. So out of place. No wonder there was no room for him in her new, perfect life. The self loathing chokes him almost as much as the longing. He feels like he’s back in the hospital, dreaming her ghost up to believe in him when he can’t believe in himself. Except this time there’s no one to shock him out of it like there was before. There’s just him and this ghost of everything that he’s ever wanted.
“Kevin,” she laughs and presses their lips together again, “I want to be with you. We can be our own family. Just like you’ve—we’ve—always wanted. I love you. Let’s go.”
She pulls him over to his car. He follows her willingly, focusing on everything that’s her as she smiles at the fancy ride. She pushes him back against the door and kisses him again. This time she runs her fingers up the scar on his chest, mistaking his shiver for arousal. He turns his head and catches sight of the distorted reflection. It almost feels right, seeing her there.
Almost.
Until the smudge on the dashboard catches his eye.
>He remembers the windows being down, arguing over the radio and why, if she cared about the music, didn’t she bring her iPod? She’d laughed and called him an old man and carelessly thumbed through his phone. She’d teased him endlessly before putting her feet up on the dashboard. Then curling them under her on the seat. There was still paint under her fingernails. She was comfortable around him, fearless in a way that no-one was. He’d watched her lean over him to apply chapstick, locking eyes with him as she did. She’d laughed when he changed lanes and sent her pressing against his chest, sending a sharp jolt of actual arousal through him. He’d kept the car.
“Mmm, I can’t believe you kept the car,” she echoes, when he looks down it's Evelyn pressed to his chest, “you must really—“she begins, pushing herself up and walking her fingers up his chest.
“No!”
His voice is a hoarse sound he doesn't recognize as his hands grabbed her wrists and spin them, pinning her against the car. There is a flare of surprise before she smiles at him, but the smile is wrong. So wrong. He drops her wrists like he’s been burned, staggering back. He fumbles for the earlier fantasy but it is eclipsed by the sight of the girl in front of him. The copy is good, great actually. But it's not her. It is that perfect, blurred fantasy which is everything she isn't. She is real, flesh and bone and when she woke up her hair was everywhere and stuck out from weird angles. And her nose crinkled when she laughed and he realizes in a single, perfect moment that he’d cut his arm off to have her break his heart again.
“She doesn’t stand like that,” he says finally, “or move like that. Or smile—it’s—you’re wrong about everything. Everything,” he stresses the word.
She gets the look right in a moment as she looks him up and down and then shakes her head.
“Jesus, man, it’s fucked up in there,” she says nodding towards his head.
“Yeah, thanks,” he says, dropping onto the curb like all the strength has gone out of him, “shit,” he chokes out, realizing the tears that started with Ezri’s confession didn’t really stop, “I—“ he stares at the, whatever this thing is wearing Evelyn’s face, “I think I might be in love with you,” he realizes.
“I think you need to get your act together,” it tells him tartly.
He nods and it looks at him one more time before it goes away.
>He doesn’t remember picking up his phone but he does. He definitely doesn’t expect her to answer, but she hasn’t blocked his number yet and he almost collapses at the voice that comes through
this is Evelyn, I’m not here right now but you can do your thang at the beep. Unless this is Kevin Tenniel, in which case you can hang up before the beep which will happen in three two…BEEP
“I can’t believe I’m in your voicemail,” he says, “but I am, which is good because—God—I can’t stop thinking about you either. You’ve still got a footprint on my dashboard and I think it you might’ve just saved my life, again.” he shakes his head, “I miss you, so fucking much,” he says, “I hope you’re doing what you need to do, but I also kind of hope you’re as miserable as I am being away from you. And that when I see you again, because that’s going to happen, you help me make sure we never go our separate ways again,” he knows his time is running short, “also my last name? On my birth certificate, it’s ‘White’. As in W-H-I-T-E. Just in case you wanna, you know, update the message."
