#; fact.

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one cool thing about vfk is he will literally hang out with anybody. italian mob, guy who works at subway, town drunk.... girl who pierces kids at claire's.... television personality and self-proclaimed psychic Uri Geller, lost german tourists, showgirls, convicted triple murderer.... a monkey.....

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things vfk is literally compelled to buy due to forces beyond his control (his mind);

anything heart-shaped

cocaine (we all know this), occasionally crack

homoerotic cowboy art

naughty postcards

those t-shirts with really questionable slogans from tourist places

high-end drug paraphernalia

whipped cream

pink versions of most things that aren’t usually pink (golf club, power tools, stapler, rubber ducks, microwave, etc, etc, etc)

novelty belt buckles (see also: fun ties)

phallic ornaments because penis = funny

approximately 35% of the skymall brochure

firearms, also mall katanas

souvenir fridge magnets and snow globes from places that definitely do not have snow

naked lady ashtrays

weird ‘good luck amulets’ from sketchy ads in magazines

cowboy boots (he has 30 pairs)

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did u know that vfk:

mildly injured his neck eating pussy one time.

speaks Spanish fluent-ishly. his only real problem apart from his comically American accent when speaking Spanish is getting stuck on words that don't come up a lot, but he does just fine describing whatever he's thinking of until the other person gets him. for example he doesn't know the Spanish word for 'platypus' (ornitorrinco), so he'd call it 'rata australiana con pico' (Australian rat with beak), which yeah, honestly is close enough. he also knows a couple phrases in Japanese from his Yakuza pals he met on layover in Honolulu but again he has an accent problem.

is an enabler to the point that he will literally help you find a vein to shoot up. thinks he's helping.

dreams of being in a rap video one day.

probably one of his worst habits is sitting on the toilet reading Playboy even though he finished shitting twenty minutes ago.

occasionally tells stories from 'back when he was in college' that sound so bizarre and/or depraved that they couldn't possibly have occurred in any college on earth (even in the US). anyway that's because he's not talking about college, he's talking about jail.

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some of vfk’s hot opinions about the fine art of makin’ love;

vfk has a strong preference for hairy pussy, but he’ll take whatever’s going. he just thinks the pubes look and feel nicer.

pornography is best enjoyed with company.

let’s talk about dick… some guys are just too hung for him and that’s okay.

controversial: piss is pretty chill and is way less kinky than choking. he doesn’t know of anybody who has died from pee related sex.

vfk bottoming is a special occasion.

spontaneous sex is dope and everything but planning it is romantic and the anticipation is special.

also dry-humping is underrated.

he reckons vers men are better lovers. but closeted/married guys tend to give head like they’re starving or something.

tight hole is nice and all but… when it feels kinda sloppy from being fucked well it hits different.

hardcore bdsm is for professionals.

period sex is fair game if she’s up for it, just use a towel and a condom.

he literally could not care any less whether squirt is pee.

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vfk’s toxic trait is hittin his girl with this look and asking her to keep his loaded firearm and several ounces of coke in her purse

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the way vfk will literally search his hotel bathroom for wiretaps and shit for like forty minutes and then like. leave his homies the most incriminating voicemails in world history...

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some fun vfk facts for the people;

his bed is heart shaped and he has to get all his bedding custom made. he’s a silk sheets kinda guy. he thinks waking up to them on the floor is part of the charm.

VFK has 6 passports and they all have different names on ‘em. American, Argentinian, among others. he also has a World Passport which he has somehow used successfully to travel internationally.

he keeps Japanese goldfish in a huge tank in his living room. he wouldn’t get a pet that required any more commitment or emotional attachment than fish unless he had a partner or somebody else to look after it in the event that he was incarcerated. it has happened before. before he served time for coke trafficking he had a pet lizard who ended up in a zoo.

his favorite color is pink. followed closely by orange. they’re sisters.