#;negative shit

[gatecoeur]

friendly reminder to all the shitty anons out there that it literally costs you 0 dollars and 0 cents to shut the fuck up

[marcusfeniix]

i finally slept. it wasn’t that great. and i honestly only did so to just.. avoid more pain. i’m so tired and so hurt. and i just want to sleep. i want to sleep this feeling away.

[gatecoeur]

hey so, i’m now officially gonna make a slow return onto here - it’s been well over a month, and frankly i missed being on here. i guess i should give a lil update on my life for those who care, but i’ll get the rp parts outta the way first and put the rest under read more.

TL;DR, other than the starters people have written for me that i’ve yet to reply to, i’m dropping all my threads. i just really need a fresh start right now, and given that i’m going into a Master’s degree that’s in the English department, i’m not sure how well i’m going to be able to keep up with my more plot-heavy threads. i hope people see this as an opportunity to throw new ideas at me, and i hope to interact with some of the people who’ve recently followed me, so i feel like starting anew is the best way to go about it. 

for those who’ve left me asks, i’ll do my best to work through them. i may have to delete some, especially if they’re in reference to things that happened while i was gone, so please don’t take it personally. i’m just trying to take things at my own pace and time. i hope you all understand.

now, onto where the fuck i’ve been this past month and a bit.

so, back in late July, i was faced with a situation i was hoping i wouldn’t have to deal with, but nonetheless had anticipated - in searching for a place to live in for the school year with friends, they all bailed out on me. all their reasons were valid, but it put a crazy amount of stress on me, because i was already dealing with trying to get myself a car and the insurance for it. so i poured all of my energy into finding a place before i’d be forced to settle on a room i’d hate. 

for two weeks, i had to travel between my home city and the city the university was in to do viewings, which typically was a full day sort of ordeal. not that i didn’t do so beforehand with my friends, but it was taxing and frankly costed me a decent amount of money, especially when a lot of the places i initially looked at were incredibly shitty. i am so fortunate that i found the place i’m in now - sure, the room’s small, but the place is newly renovated, the rent’s cheaper than everywhere else i looked at, my roommates are very nice people, and it’s close to the university. 

when i had that out of the way though, i still had to deal with getting a car. my mom had been flip-flopping for WEEKS about whether or not she wanted to give me hers or not, but finally she did, which honestly ended up saving me a lot of money. dealing with the insurance had been a fucking nightmare though, and it’s actually still ongoing, but it should be resolved by the end of this week. during that time though, my mom had done absolutely nothing to help my stress, because there was potential that i had to stay with my parents for longer than i wanted to, since the car was still needed to get my brother to work, as well as needed for my mom to travel around to find herself a new car. the situation ended up being way more ideal than what my mom had projected, but still, you can imagine how much that sucked for me.

now, during this time, i had the brilliant idea of getting back into the dating pool. i ended up downloading a few apps, and met a guy that i really hit it off with - we’d talk pretty regularly on Discord, and we even went on a few dates. he had so many similar interests with me, was insanely intelligent, and he treated me with so much respect. by the second in-person date, i’m not gonna lie, i was head over heels for him. we even talked about him visiting me every weekend once school started up again, which was way more effort than any of my exes had ever put into me. 

but then, just a few days before i’d officially move into my new place, he messaged me saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship. even though we weren’t official or anything of the sort, it devastated me. i understood his reasons though, and we agreed to stay friends. sometimes it still hurts to think about, but i’m slowly but surely getting over it. we’ve sent each other the occasional message since then, but nothing more than that. 

i’ve also deleted all those apps since then -  i’m not sure how long it’s going to be before i’m okay with opening myself up like that to another person.

it wasn’t all bad though. i went to a wedding with my best friend, and her entire friend group from her hometown has basically accepted me as one of them - they’ve even invited me to join them in their yearly cottage trip that they’re hoping to have next year. i also got to meet up with an old friend from high school - even though it had been literally 3 years since we last saw each other, it felt like no time had passed at all. i got to see some family members that i also hadn’t seen in years, and just yesterday, i helped a friend move into a new place.

overall, the past month and a bit has been one hell of a rollercoaster for me. i hope things will be relatively more manageable, especially when my mental health is in such a fragile state - i need some healing, and part of that includes coming back here and doing what i love most. interacting with you all.

if you’ve read through this all, thank you. i promise i’m doing much better now, and i hope to get back into the swing of things soon enough. <3

[gatecoeur]

i’m probably gonna add this to my rules at some point, because it’s been bugging me for a while, especially with some of the anons i’ve gotten, but like... 

i don’t consider ic dash commentaries or ic replies to people’s ooc / crack / dash commentary posts to be canon UNTIL i stop tagging my responses with the ;dash commentary or ;crack tags - they’re incredibly meta by nature, and arrie is not a 4th wall breaking type character in her canon portrayal. 

people are free to respond to either or however they want. in fact, i fucking LOVE it when muses especially start riffing off each other and having a good time, BUT. people in general need to recognize that it’s meta - it’s not meant to be taken seriously. 

it’s caused mixed messages for me on my end, and at times, even made me feel like shit, because i thought i was just having some dumb fun, but meanwhile some people took things said way more seriously than i originally intended. or at least that’s what some of people’s responses looked like on my end.

i’m sorry i hadn’t been clear about this beforehand, but yeah - ic meta comments are never canon.

[gatecoeur]

I am absolutely beyond fucking livid rn

I literally emailed the school WHEN I FIRST SUBMITTED MY FUCKING APPLICATION saying that I literally CANNOT submit my official transcripts through the school’s application system cuz my undergrad school won’t directly email me the official ones, which is fucking BULLSHIT but w/e

I was told that it was TOTALLY cool for me to send in my unofficial ones tho, and this all went down WELL before the application was due. I submitted fucking everything. Shit should’ve been fine.

Now it’s almost been a whole ass month (2/3rds of one anyways) since the due date, and I just got a fucking email asking me for my official transcripts because my unofficial ones aren’t acceptable. LIKE BITCH WHAT?

LIKE FUCK ME BRO.

AT THIS POINT, WITH THE AMOUNT OF SUFFERING I’VE HAD TO GO THROUGH JUST TO SUBMIT MY GODDAMN APPLICATION, THESE FUCKERS BETTER ACCEPT MY ASS.

[gatecoeur]

all i want is a conversation with my mom that isn’t about my brother, my finances or my academic career.

which you would think is so fucking easy to do, but the reality is that that’s never going to fucking happen so basically what i’m saying is i wish my mom stopped trying to talk to me period because i’m tired of feeling like that’s all i’m worth. 

i’ve had mental breakdowns just trying to unlearn that shit. you’re never going to fix the damage you did to me because you’re never going to go about it right, so just stop fucking trying. please.

[gatecoeur]

today's a rough day for me and a lot of my muses. most of them don't have their moms around anymore. and i have a shitty relationship with mine due to the amount of gaslighting i've had to endure from her my whole life, so idk i'm gonna be doing much else than lurking today.

rest assured that Malik definitely made his mom a gift and has the whole day planned out, just for her.

otherwise, yeah. happy mother's day to all the good moms out there. i hope your day is way better than mine.

[gatecoeur]

you wanna know the one thing i hate most about my mood tanking, whenever it does?

everything just shuts down and i go onto a survival/hibernation mode. i do everything to act like nothing's wrong when i have to, and when i don't, i have 0 desire to do fuckin anything. i don't wanna do things i have to do, like fuckin feed myself or do work, and i don't wanna do things that i normally wanna do.

but i think the worst thing i do is that i isolate. and it's not like i have no one to turn to. so many people have told me so many times that they're here for me, including so many wonderful people here, but i just...

for me, survival mode includes the following thoughts : "you have to rely on yourself and yourself only, because asking for help automatically either puts too much a burden on whoever helps, or it makes you an annoyance, and no one wants to deal with either one, so why inconvenience them?"

because that's what i was lead to believe growing up - that adults just bottle up everything that's shitty about their lives and keep moving, as if nothing happened. i even remember my parents telling me not to tell ANYONE about the kinda arguments they had while we were at family functions. and i sure as fuck didn't say shit to my teachers either because wtf could they do about it anyways?

and i think what's really the piece de resistance is how painfully fucking aware i am of all this. and you'd think this awareness would help, but it fucking doesn't. when my mood tanks, it tanks and there's absolutely fucking nothing i can do about it.

i'm tired of doing this. to myself and to everyone around me. and i'm so sorry this isn't my usual funny or entertaining content, but i just...

it's really hard having to come around to the fact that the people that are supposed to care about you the most don't really give a shit about anything you do unless it makes them look good, even if you've learned to accept that as a fact 5 fucking years ago. or if they do somehow care, they're absolute shit at showing it in comparison to complete strangers on the internet who have nothing but an internet connection and a fucking keyboard to communicate with me.

and my parents wonder why tf i haven't complained all that much during this fucking pandemic