.....He had almost forgotten...for a while now there has been a chill that nestled itself in his heart. A cold feeling, despite being surrounded by warmth..
His mother had called the day prior..to make sure he’d be there.
Of course, he says, of course how could he forget..
Another year that you’re gone.. and another year of seeing abuelo’s face. Wondering if he’d ever know the man behind the frame..
Wondering if he could achieve anything both have done for this family.
He’s home, and despite the smell of food and sweets. He’s still cold..the warmth feels almost numb to his skin. He lights a candle, fixing the alter , preparing it for their plates..
He lights the candles and opens the petals of flowers. Bringing in more from the greenhouse behind the garden. Mama always loves having them homegrown...
Such a beautiful flower...he loves being here, his fingers gently feeling the petals before placing them carefully in the basket... a moment alone before having to return the house..to be alone once again.
Though its a different kind of loneliness as he watches his parents speak to his sister...their pride and joy..
and him..sitting alone..cooking or adjusting things for his mother...
he sits and finds refuge by alter, joined by the dead...
I never knew my heart could beat so fast, by simply feeling your hand in mine..
That the sound of your voice, is enough to bring a smile to my face, and make a gray day bright..
I’ve never felt as loved, as I do when I feel your arms around me.
I always went through life believing that If I just sit and accept things as they came, it would be alright..
I felt weighed down by all of my families expectations.. A heavy burden that rested on my chest, cracking my ribs every time I tried to breathe..
and you’ve cut that all away so easily..
you’ve given me strength ...and hope..for more in this life..
I’m afraid..I won’t lie...I’m afraid of what the future holds, I’m afraid of a life without you..but...having you here with me now..is enough to keep me going.
‘I won’t give up on you..’
those words...mean so much to me,more than you know...
......I was ready to accept, that the time we had was limited...
I was ready to accept, that this had to end..
I was ready to let you go..
but no..I can’t do that...Not anymore..
I won’t give up on you either..
I’m not sure how, but I’ll...try my best to fight for you...
“You’ve ruined my dress,this isn’t what I wanted!”
“I’m so sorry..I’ll fix it right away madam..”
You idiot, you should have paid more attention. You’ve ruined it for her.
“Sebastian, I asked you to take care of this request for me,why haven’t you done it?“
“I’m sorry..I’ll take care of it“
How can you be so careless? Fix it now,before he gets mad.
“This is way too much,after you did such a terrible job,you need to lower the price.“
“I’m sorry..I’ll see what I can do.“
You’re so Pathetic.
“Stand up for yourself“
“I’m sorry, I’ll try my best..“
You’re weak.
Hands will throw the dress in his face. “You call yourself a tailor? Do you even speak English? Can you understand what I said, I want this fixed to the right size or I want my money back-”
“I’m so sorry..I’ll fix this as soon as I can-“
“You’re so stupid.“ I’m sorry
“You ruined it.” I’m sorry
“Sebastian pay attention.” I’m sorry
“How could you do this?” I’m sorry
“my wife has been here every day, what are you doing!?“ I’m sorry
I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry
Hands wrap around his throat,as he chokes back tears- “I’m sorry-”
There are spots in Sebastian’s memories, especially in his youth. Childhood is so hard to remember, but He does ,however remember ;
How his mother always fussed,whenever he was gone too far from the house,and his father was quick to anger, whenever he spent too much time out at a friends house. .
His sister would chastise him for running off too far ahead, and Abuela would always hold his hand tight, whenever they’d go out.
Even now as an adult,when that concern has long since faded, his parents still desire to know where their son is at every moment of the day..
Because for atleast a year, Young Sebastian D’Angelo was not home with his family..
Sebastian D’Angelo ,was very much loved, by an older man and woman..
They found him playing alone under the bridge, drawing pictures and playing with stick dolls.. What a sad little child, they thought, a sad little boy in need of love..
“Do your mama and papa know your here?”
“”No, they don’t.”
“Why not? “
“don’t know...I dont think they like me..”
“why would you say that?”
“papa’s angry all the time..cause...I’m not good at my studies..mama’s busy with Ramona...think they both like her more than me..”
“What’s your name..?”
“Sebastian D’Angelo..”
“D’Angelo...that’s a pretty name...”
“You’re like a little angel..”
“really?”
“Yes a little angel,we’re meant to find..”
“Our darling little angel..”
They spoke with him every day.. bringing him gifts and little toys..soft kisses to his forehead and their hands gently holding his..
He felt..so special...so warmly they had treated him..when he felt alone, when abuela was away on her long trips..he’d run to see them under the bridge..and they would both await him with loving arms...
One day, they brought him a basket of treats..delicious little cookies and candies...He offered them some, but they declined..
“all for you,don’t eat too much of it,only two cookies darling..”
“Only two? “
“Such a cute little pout,but yes only two,love.”
and he would listen eating only two of the cookies,and continuing to play with his doll..
Though..his eyes started to get heavy....
What happens next,he can’t recall..
Everything after was blurry.
Soft whispers of I love yous,and cold fingers touching his chest..
That coldness was felt,all over his body..
For so long,his mind was heavy
but he was loved...
The soft voices whispering I love yous..
Their hands feeling and holding him in places he’s never felt before..
He ate his favorite treats...
and he was loved..
but then, it was gone...their hands,their voices..
they were gone..
and he had seen his Abuela’s crying face...
Holding her in his arms in a hospital room..
He didn’t feel hurt at all? What had happened?
“Abuela....why are you sad..”
“nada mijo..Estoy tan feliz de que estés aquí.“
“Where are...my..friends...“
“They’ve...they’ve moved away...it’s okay...You’re okay Sebastian...“
“you’re okay..you’re okay...”
Sebastian D’Angelo, never heard from those friends again..nor did he remember them..or remember why he was in a hospital room..
Though in the middle of the night, his dreams would drift to darkness. Those hands would pull him down into it, lacing around his body and whispering their I love yous into his ears..
Interesting though..how those nightmares come less and less often..since feeling your warmth..
He wasn’t aware there was going to be a wedding today..atleast...he forgot there was... A cousin of his on some side’s friend or something...Regardless he was apparently needed...
When his mother came ,frantically, asking him what he was doing he was speechless..
“I’ll be ready in five minutes..” He’d say..
“..I’ll watch the shop.”
A small nod...as he turns away....his eyes meeting Victor’s for a moment.. before going to the back room..
He knew there was no fighting her on this. He didn’t need that long. He just needed to breathe. Check the calendar..and it was right there.. Of course.. He’d curse himself for forgetting. Though his mind has been rather preoccupied with work...
A small longingglance past the curtain to the figure at the counter...before shaking his head again..
He’d button up his suit and pull up his tie..and before he could fully prepare himself he was being pushed out the door by his mother..a small wave at Victor...as they leave the shop...
Sitting here felt strange...it’s been a while since he’s been to a big family gathering..he’s sure it would have been bigger if they’d gone to Italy or Mexico....but regardless..
It was a beautiful wedding..Everyone watching the bride walk by in her flowing gown.. He’d take a glance at the groom..seeing his eyes ..the way he looked back at her..so full of love..
They way they looked at each other actually..he had to wonder..did they remember they were in a room surrounded by people..? or did they...just..see each other...and no one else..
He saw tears in the grooms eyes...and a smile as he took her hand..
.......
Part of him has to wonder...
...could..I..
For a moment, its nice.. The music the dancing, the laughter. He truly forgets how big the family was.. A small smile and hug for his cousin, and her groom..
“Muchas felicidades. Ustedes dos hacen una pareja muy bonita...” They’d smile at him..saying thank yous as they went back to dance and greet the rest of the guests...
They both seemed very happy....
Despite the warmth of the room.. it all felt like noise..
Questions upon questions, he’d repeat answers to..
“I’m working at Abuela’s shop..”
"I’m not married yet..maybe later.”
“My sister’s doing well..sorry she couldnt be here..”
“No..I’m not seeing anyone right now...”
He could only take so much of repitition..so much of the jokes questions and comments--
So he’d sit..and pick at his food..and wait until the night was over..
He couldnt help but imagine Leo here..he’d probably have the time of his life..
and if Leo was here..maybe Victor could come too..
His mind lately. Has always been coming back to you..
Your toothy smile, and your laugh..
The way you’d say his name...
I just..wish there was more time..
....Atleast the food was good..that much was a given at a spanish wedding...
It’s rare when he comes home...to a moment of peace.
Beautiful colors fill the room, faint candle lights illuminated the marigold strings lined along the frames and shelves. The smell of food fills the air.
The staff is sent home for the day.. as Sebastian and his mother spent a few hours making food..
Music plays, and they dance and laugh. Shuffling feet across the tile and laughing when they bump into each other.
Little candies and treats on the tray remind him of his childhood ,how he and his sister would fight over who got first pick..Though suppose that didn’t matter now..as he reached for one of the sweet breads.
After the food’s done, they’d place it among the frames..
A glance to all of the photos..and His eyes would meet hers, His face reflecting in her never changing smile, forever frozen in time. Beside her, her loving husband.
He’d kneel beside the frames..and close his eyes..
I wish I got to meet you, but Abuela told me all the stories about you.. how you broke your arm trying to pick fruit for her from the tree,or how you’ve almost gotten run over by a cart...
You sound like a clumsy guy..she always said I reminded her of you..I’m not sure how I should have taken it, but I’d guess it was good...
A glance to her..
This year’s...been strange..It feels weird to laugh like this ..but I know you’d want that..
I don’t know what to do...I’m...trying my best but..it’s not good enough for them..
I don’t...want to..be like this but,what am I supposed to do?
What would you do..?
He could feel the tears building up in his eyes, as he quickly tried brush them away..
I’m sorry for..I don’t..want to ruin the mood...Hope you two are dancing together again...enjoy the food..
