sometimes the thought of deactivating this account is really tempting.
it's not from harassment i've been experiencing — it's a factor, yes, but not so much — it's an entirely different thing. i guess there's been so much pressure for me to deliver something palatable every single time i post that i just become insecure instead. i'd come to love the process of writing but i dread the thought of posting. my brain automatically sees more likes, more followers as an equation to success. it's proof, to me, that i'm actually good, that i deserve to be writing, that i'm not some imposter wearing the ugly disguise of a writer. losing them, or the lack of them, makes me feel disgusted. there's always a crash i experience that comes at the expense of "success" when i feel like it's never enough.
it's throwing me off by a lot. i kind of lost my spark in truth. it died down when i wrote for genshin. then it came back for the yandere batfam tag two years ago. back in 2024 when i was newly posting for this fandom, i could say whatever i think, accurate to canon or not, and have fun. but now i'm just constantly walking on eggshells, berating myself for every little mistake, and feeling like i'm never enough. there's more i'd like to say, but what i really mean is that... i feel really lonely. there's been a plethora of problems weighing me down in real life, writing helped but now it also became another problem. i find myself comparing my style, my prose, every single thing to every other writer and bringing myself down even more.
it doesn't help that there's been people openly stating their disdain against me for writing a&a in the first place. my series' name has been dragged to the dirt for so long, i feel like it's my fault for even posting it, like it's me who's done damage to the community. i still have passion for the series, i still think of many oneshots, many plotlines that i just really want to post without all the mental restraints holding me back, but there's an underlying fear for entertaining it too that haunts me so badly. then i resort to another hiatus.
it's the ugly truth for me. i've always been insecure, i never had anything of my own in my own home. i was always the black sheep in my childhood and that fucked me up so bad knowing i was always second place in every category i try to place. it's a hard mindset to pair with the impulsiveness coming from my BPD. i've never been fully treated by it, it's just a thing i struggle to learn living with. this has been the same case with art, with academics, with everything i touch upon.
so yeah, as to what my pinned post stated: i might just deactivate at any given moment. maybe tomorrow, maybe the next week, or maybe even today.
maybe i'll be deleting this post, pretend like i never had these doubts, and return to spamming emojis, drawling out letters, and act like no period of overthinking has wrecked me with so much dark thoughts. but i always do in the end.
either way, deactivation comes at no announcement. i won't be telling anyone when, i might not even leave a final message.
it will happen if it becomes too much. and that's the only assurance i can give to people and myself. this post (that i'll delete soon) is the only living proof that i've considered deactivating and following through with my actions.