#&hh

[jaehyunrk]

what do you like the most about yeri?

“ everything? ” he jokes (he’s not really joking). “ well first of all she’s cute. she’s really cute –– like anything she does is really cute. you know back when i was in sopa she’d sometimes give the juniors those little glares if they got too close to me, i don’t thinks she knows that i noticed –– but yea i noticed –– and i thought that that was just kinda, really, adorable. she also has a really fun personality and nothing is ever boring when i’m with her, it’s like ... discovering something new everyday...! and ahh she’s so understanding and supportive and she makes me want to be a better person. i think i’ve said it already but i’ve stopped smoking as much ever since we got together –– it’s like i found less reason to. it’s not everyday you find someone that has that much of a positive impact on your life, right? and i’m happier now, i’m always happier when i’m with her! ”

[jaehyunrk]

do! you! like! me! the! most!! ??

more!! than!! you!! can!! imagine!!!!!

[jihoonmi]

do you have two different sides or do you just pretend?

                  ✧ ┊ honesty hour  ┅┅┅┅  catching up on ancient memes

he begins with one of his traditional smiles, all bright sunshine, fabricated, presumably. “what do you mean?” he asks, innocently, but it’s more for fun than anything, because he’s supposed to be honest.

his expression evens out. it’s harder these days. “i used to think i really had two sides,” he admits, and he shrugs, like it doesn’t matter, and maybe, in the end, it really doesn’t. there was no doubt he flashed all of his smiles and batted all of his eyelashes to get in good graces– to earn favor and snatch attention and fondness. he did it so they’d think he’s innocence– pen him as weak, and someone that would never take advantage of them, though jihoon was far from it. jihoon was really a nightmare.

“i don’t know if i have two sides anymore. i guess the fact that i don’t means it must’ve just been an act, right? i guess i fooled even myself,” and he smiles again, but not as wide. the greatest scam of all time, it would appear. 

“it’s not like being friendly and energetic was completely a ruse, even if i was trying to mislead people. that’s just something i was upon meeting people, and i think in the end, it really did become a part of my personality,” he says it lightly. he feels like he has to use past tense, since it’s so hard for him to get back in touch with that part of himself. he misses it. he wishes it still felt natural– hopes it does again.

“i think there are three sides to me, actually. there’s that one. the second one is…what made the first side. the manipulation, the need for control, the…irrational…need for attention.” he knows himself, even if he doesn’t like to admit these things. “angry. strong but dark, not afraid of and not above anything.”

“they both exist to protect the third side which is…what i am now.” emotional. insecure. desperate for love and so afraid despite fooling himself into thinking he wasn’t afraid of anything, fragile and quiet in its existence. it’s the realest, rawest, and truest version of jihoon, so rarely bared, now exposed for everyone to see, unguarded, because for now, he is broken. his defenses are broken, and he isn’t quite sure how to rebuild yet. 

all he can do is fake it like he always has, and so he smiles.

[jihoonmi]

what is something that you're insecure about?

                  ✧ ┊ honesty hour  ┅┅┅┅  catching up on ancient memes

it’s a difficult question, but have any of these been easy? this answer takes longer to come to him, and the words even moreso. “i guess just…who i really am?” it sounds so juvenile when he says it out loud, and he wrinkles his nose in disgust. it doesn’t feel entirely right, either, but he doesn’t know how else to say it. “i want people to like me.” he wants the attention. he wants to wrap them around his finger, and to be worshipped if he can get it, but he’ll take friendship, too. he’ll take any sort of favor.

he’s so afraid of losing it. it’s why he detests his own vulnerability– why he keeps his walls up and insists on strength, and even has that walled off by a bright bubbly persona manufactured for the purpose of getting on good sides and earning trust and affection. he is so afraid of anyone knowing he is damaged. he hides his darkness behind bright smiles not just to make it cut deeper when he unveils it, but because he wants to control everyone else’s fear. he wants them to be afraid of him on his own terms– never wants to put himself in a position where he is unwanted.

bomin saw who he really is more than anyone did, and bomin is out of reach now. it doesn’t help matters. it leaves him unsteady and turbulent, unstable and insecure. he’ll always wonder if it’s him that drove bomin away in the end– if he wasn’t a good enough friend, or he was too much of a reminder of the life bomin wanted to escape from. in the end, he wanted to escape from him too, and jihoon doesn’t know how to come to terms with that. he doesn’t know if he ever will, or if he’ll ever believe he’ll be wholeheartedly accepted for who he is again.

[jihoonmi]

what's your true, open and honest opinion of your brother?

✧ ┊ honesty hour  ┅┅┅┅  catching up on ancient memes ( mentioned: @babyxmi )

                                                  ( tw: death, gore )

his gaze immediately darkens, frustration immediately surfaces, resentment for this question already. the truth is he doesn’t know what his opinion of jisu is. true, open and honest are all words rarely associated with jihoon, so all he can do is speak his mind.

“i still hate him,” he says, but there’s no bite to it, something resigned. “he changed my life and i hate it. i still don’t understand how he fit so seamlessly into everything outside of me. my parents love him, probably more than they even love me now, everyone at the crow’s nest loves him– gahyeon doesn’t, thankfully, but bomin loved him. it’s like i can’t have anyone to myself, because jisu trails after me everywhere i go, and everyone likes him better. he’s the cuter, brighter, less damaged version of me, with more affection to give and more of a willingness to trust, and with more of an open heart. how could they not?” the words come with a sudden wave of sadness, and his hands ball up into fists at his sides.

“i would be so much better off without him. none of us need him, and he’s annoying, and a brat, and a baby, and he’s manipulative too, i can just tell. it runs in our family, but everyone thinks he’s so cute and wants to dote on him. he’s 17, he should be acting more mature than he is, and he should’ve been fine continuing on on his own. we didn’t need him and he didn’t need us, so i still don’t understand why any of this had to happen,” and he’s still angry it did, but he still hasn’t reached the but.

“but i don’t hate him as much as i used to. he’s my brother, even if i don’t want him to be, and i feel like something changed on the day of hydrus’s execution, when i saved him. i couldn’t hate him in that moment, seeing him with that gun to his head and knowing any mistake i made could’ve been the end of his life. i want him to live a life separate from mine, i didn’t and don’t want him to die, and thinking about missing in that situation–” he pauses and shakes his head. “he really could’ve died, and i don’t know what i would’ve done if i had to see my brother with a hole in his head, dead on the pavement.” he can’t help but shudder, and regardless of their relationship, it’s still a sickening thought to him. “i’m glad i made it in time. i’m glad i was there, and i’m…glad he’s alive. i’m still not glad he’s my brother, but he is, and i’m glad he’s alive.” maybe that’s enough for now, and maybe one day he’ll let himself entertain better, too.

[jihoonmi]

what is something that you feel the most guilty about?

✧ ┊ honesty hour  ┅┅┅┅  catching up on ancient memes ( mentioned: @mixspencer​)

these questions are far too difficult for his liking. jihoon doesn’t like to think about guilt. there was a time he didn’t feel any– not really. he doesn’t know what’s changed since then, or why his heart has softened, or why he’s so vulnerable and…weak. he knows he can’t afford to be, but the events of the past few months have worn him down so he can’t be anything else in his honesty.

maybe he felt guilty about all of this before, too. there are two things, and he can’t pick one over the other, so unfortunately, he needs to admit both.

“i feel guilty about woojin,” he says, looking down, recalling the memories. woojin– their relationship one jihoon only got into based on physical attraction, no feelings involved, as they never were. it was just like his past relationships: for fun, to kill the time, for the attention and all the adoration he could get. he always took and took and never gave back anything genuine, everything a sham from his end, as he did to everyone, but something about woojin was a little different. something about woojin made jihoon lose a little bit of his control– a little shaky, a little uncertain, near the end. real emotions started to rear their head: real attachment, real appreciation, and it brought about real fear. so jihoon did what he does best when he feels that rare emotion of fear, and ruined it before it got any farther to protect himself. he cheated on woojin, partially as a test of his dedication and potential love for him– to see if he still stayed with him, but mostly to end the relationship, and make it clear how little he cared. in retrospect, it’s so cruel and irrational, because he did care. now jihoon knows, and that caring was what drove him to act as he did back then. that underlying guilt is likely why he hasn’t been in a relationship since, too.

“and what i’m doing to spencer,” he adds. so much of his time with spencer has been based out of manipulation, trying to reel him in and capture him ever since the intangible and unintelligible shift– since the start of it all. he wanted spencer the same way he wants to steal shiny things, compulsive, because spencer was and still is something beautiful– something he’ll defend and protect and keep. spencer was almost an object to him, and jihoon had no problem using him– no problem devouring all of his attention and admiration and affection, taking and never really giving, as always. anything he gave was carefully crafted to keep stringing him along, but even from the beginning, he felt guilty. even from the beginning, jihoon cared enough to want to protect spencer’s feelings, too. he forced himself away from his usual nature– gave spencer a way out, and when he stayed, his manipulation only continued, even as he knew he would never like spencer as much as spencer liked him. he would never love him, and yet he let it all continue knowing spencer felt differently. he still does. “i care about him, but i can’t…let him go. he doesn’t want to leave, either, and i love that for me, but i hate it for spencer.”

[jihoonmi]

How long do you think you can keep up the act?

✧ ┊ honesty hour  ┅┅┅┅  catching up on ancient memes ( mentioned: no one by name! and yet )

“what do you mean?” he asks, with a ghost of that trademark jihoon, manufactured, sugar-sweet smile, eyes disappearing into crescents at all, but he can’t keep it up, and the expression falls. he resents it– how hard it is to pretend to be happy since his best friend’s departure. it’s like losing the safe space he had to be himself leaves the real jihoon to bleed into every other area of his life unwelcome. he needs those smiles to run a restaurant, and to get his way– for his sternness to be more effective and to win trust. 

it just doesn’t feel as important as it once did, trying to weasel his way onto the good sides of everyone he meets meaning nothing to him when the person most important to him was off in another country. it wasn’t like he died, and if he stayed in myeongcho he very well could have, so there’s a part of jihoon that understands. jihoon is the only one making their friendship end here, and he knows if he can get over his resentment, that friendship will likely still be there, even if it won’t be the same.

will jihoon be the same? it’s like relearning how to live. he’s trying to rebuild into someone better, even if he doesn’t know what that looks like– if he wants to be stronger or kinder, and if he’s capable of either. 

“i don’t really know what the act is anymore,” he admits, and he smiles, this time sincerely, albeit also sincerely out of place. “i thought i would be able to keep it up forever. i guess i never really considered…things changing. i never really considered losing anything, which was…stupid.” he frowns. “i always thought ‘the act’ wasn’t entirely an act, like it was just another part of me, but now that i can’t do it well anymore, i don’t really know. i used to mean it more, so maybe that counts for something.”