#( ooc. ) queue.

[loveisaviolence1]

    “ go ahead,     say it. you have my permission to gloat and say I TOLD YOU SO. you took the shot, jumped in front of the bullet, played the part of the perfect knight in shining armor --- and i was, for ... well, obviously, the first time in my life, WRONG. just get it out already.  ”  the hum of laughter in her voice as she TEASES him betrays nothing, least of all the anxious, guilty feelings swirling around in her gut. the same hands that have grown chapped and calloused due to a combination of the harsh weather and her frequent use of them,  the same hands that have cut and stabbed and KILLED, become effortlessly GENTLE when tending to his wounds, handling him like he could so easily BREAK even as this served as proof of the contrary. they were strong and stable, even as her thoughts TORMENT her, reminding her that even though bellamy had played his part in all of this, she’d failed at doing hers. failed lissa, and failed ... him. and that ... and well, that ... it held a lot more weight than it used to. 

@lingeringscars.

[loveisaviolence1]

 ❛   mellie. mellie, listen to me.  ❜       there’s a nightmare she’s had once or twice  ( when she doesn’t have her glass of wine before bed or can’t tune out the headlines about PRESIDENT GRANT & THE FIRST LADY and how she flipped her hair one way or he smiled another and thinks she might like to go back. )  

in this nightmare the two of them are normal people and the only MONSTERS are the trees and mellie’s the mechanic and olivia’s the car and no matter how many times she tries to tell her she just needs something to fill her up and keep her pipes from running dry mellie scraps her for parts. 

fitz is there because he’s always there, because eli rowan tells her that she’s weak when it comes to being trapped by patterns and stuck in cycles, that she’s WEAK ( her fault her fault her fault, she’s no VICTIM here, and don’t forget it ), but he doesn’t SAVE her and she’s glad because she’s still the FIXER here, still has the white hat --- her fingers leave black smudges each time she touches it but it’s still HERS, that’s what matters, it’s still hers.

( when she was five and eli rowan’s car had a flat tire she got her white dress all dirty trying to patch the hole with a stick of her chewing gum and received a reprimanding when eli rowan drug out the spare ---  ‘ olivia, it’s not that simple. you can’t just FIX a hole by patching it up just so it can blow out later, ’   all exasperated like, displeased expression, like he’d told her this before, like she just wouldn't learn. which, he hadn’t. at least --- not about tires. )

❛  mellie, you can’t fix this.  ❜

@lingeringscars.