Have you ever felt guilty for something at an excrutiating level, to the point you feel that you can no longer live, no longer feel and you go numb, not wanting to live, anymore, just wanting to end everything? And yet, you don't know why. You don't know why you feel like that, you could never understand yourself, but you still—still—feel so fucking guilty.
Douma sat with his head buried in his hands, wishing he could rid of this ache in him, wanting to understand what the hell he'd done to make himself feel like this.
Footsteps, quiet, familiar.
He turned.
"Akaza-dono?"
Uppermoon three stood at the doorway, his arms crossed, eyebrows raised. "Didn't know you spent your free time crying," he said.
"I'm not crying!" Douma protested.
Akaza sighed and walked forward, untangling his arms and reaching out, wiping Douma's cheek was strange tenderness. "You're crying. You literally have tears staining your cheeks," he said, showing him the tear drop he'd gotten on his finger.
Douma reached up and rubbed at his eyes. "No... I just got something in my eye," he said, pouting.
"Whatever you say."
"Why are you here, Akaza-dono?" he asked, tilting his head.
"Because the sun rose and this place had to be the only close shelter," Akaza said, rolling his eyes. "Just my luck."
Douma beamed. "We can spend time together!" he said.
"Fuck no, I'm not spending any time with you." Akaza turned abruptly. "I was planning to not even talk to you but I heard someone crying."
"I wasn't crying," Douma whined. Then remembered why he had been and said, quietly for he was afraid Akaza would only call him stupid, "Akaza-dono, do you know why I feel guilty?"
Akaza paused in his tracks. "Guilty? Of what?"
"I'm not sure," he admitted. "But it hurts."
The shorter Uppermoon turned. "Hurt? How?"
Douma placed a hand to his chest, pressing slightly. "Like pain that wasn't there but hurt a lot," he murmured. "I could tell, only, that it was guilt. I... don't know why, or how, or what happened, or anything. Only... what."
"Oh." Akaza blinked. "Do you have any idea why? Did you recently do something regrettable?" he asked, tilting his head slightly.
Douma shook his head. "If I did, I wouldn't know. I never know." He looked down.
Akaza sighed, moving forward until they stood face to face. "Listen, guilt is like a form of regret that comes if you did something you felt you shouldn't have or if you didn't do something when you felt you should've. Something like that. Might not be obvious to you since you're a dumbass, but try thinking about if you know anytime that might fit my description."
Douma nodded, sitting down on the cushion he always sat on while he spoke to his patients, except this time he was the patient being spoken to, helped.
Akaza sighed and sat down as well, figuring nothing bad would come out of this anyways. Besides, if he made Douma realize how to understand emotions maybe he would stop bothering the shit out of him.
And so he waited in silence, the only sound in the room was their breathing which came out soft and quiet, even in the silence.
Akaza started counting the seconds, his boredom getting the best of him.
When he got to around four hundred and seventy two, Douma spoke up, his voice loud and startling both of them.
"Sorry," Douma said, lowering his voice to a near whisper to fit the silence that had spread across the two of them.
"Mm, did you figure anything out?" Akaza asked. He was curious, although he'd never admit that.
"Well, there was this woman... Her name was Kotoha. I dunno... I kept her with me for a bit but later she found out I was a demon and ran away and I killed her and she dropped her child off a cliff." Douma shrugged. "That's all I can think of. Well, I've always wondered what would happen if I had emotions. People say they would feel horrible if they killed someone or if their parents died or anything like that, but I never felt anything when all of that happened for me." He sighed. "I don't konw, Akaza-dono. I can't figure anything out."
Akaza stared at him. "Why did you kill the woman?" he asked completely ignoring everything else.
"Because she ran away?" Douma said, confused. "Why not?"
"She's a woman!! She didn't do anything wrong!! Besides, I'm sure she would be devestated to know she dropped her child," Akaza said, crossing his arms.
"Huh? But... she was a human?" Douma said.
"And?"
They stared at each other for a beat before Akaza sighed.
"Fine, we'll drop that topic. Why did you keep the woman with you?" he asked.
"She was pretty! And really cheerful." Douma smiled, reminising in the memories. "I sometimes feel like I shouldn't have killed her. But I don't know if it's guilt. She was just good company."
Akaza rolled his eyes. "Clearly you have no experience in emotions despite living for over a century. A normal person would feel horrible if they killed someone they enjoyed spending time with. And what you said about your parents dying, they'd feel bad for not doing anything. Unless they didn't give a fuck about them, of course," he said, lifting a shoulder in a half shrug.
"...Okay," Douma said, nodding. "So maybe that's it? But then... why's it so... intense?"
"Why's what?"
"The guilt? Or whatever." He looked down. "Will it go away?"
Akaza shook his head. "It might go away, it might not. Depends on if you will still care."
Douma nodded again, closing his eyes. Fuck it wouldn't go away. It appeared less, now, as if he understanding it better could bring him to feel better as well. But it wasn't gone.
"You alright?" Akaza asked as Douma's facial expression contorted to one of pain.
The slight concern hidden in his voice brought the rainbow eyes to open and he looked up, nodding stiffly.
"I'm scared, Akaza-dono," he mumbled.
"Why?"
"I don't understand anything. I don't like this." His voice was so meek, small, so contrasting to everything he'd ever done.
And it made Akaza pity him. Sort of.
He stood, then, sitting next to Douma and placing a hand on his back.
"Listen, sure, we're demons, but everyone needs some time to understand shit and learn. You'll understand eventually and it's not like you haven't functioned before without understanding. I just... don't stress it, it's annoying and you're going to keep asking me for help, probably. Whatever you regret, it's in the past and you can't change that." Akaza paused, then, his mind flashing him everything he regretted, too fast for him to comprehend but slow enough for him to notice. He sighed. "Whatever happened just try not to let it happen again."
Douma nodded slowly. "Okay... That makes sense," he said, turning to look at the Uppermoon. "Thank you, Akaza-dono." He smiled, an action that looked so much more genuine than normal and made Akaza's heart flutter with something he'd never admit to even himself.
"Sure, whatever," he said, slipping off the cushion and standing. "I'm going to go find a room to stay in here. Don't talk to me anymore."
"Okay!" Douma said, a lot more cheerfully than before.
Akaza gave him a slight smile then wandered out the door and into the halls, his mind stuck on the image of Douma's smile.
{Word count: 1245}
A little explanation to Douma's silly guilt:
Mostly, I was thinking, he felt guilty for not being able to feel bad or feel anything and react properly about anything
He'd been helping his patients and had been hit with a sudden thought that people poured out their emotions to him and he responded with more or less a lie and a half hearted sorry to hear that and he felt bad about that, but he didn't realize since he'd been doing it his whole life and had never realized it wasn't really normal
