#(: ok

[blixalesbian]

[ruinaa-archive-blog]

“actually… i just miss you.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

five word prompts.

          ( accepting. )

she is more hurt by what jakob’s said than she thought she’dbe. more than she has any right to be, really, because everybit of what he said was true. they don’t know each other, notreally, and it’s never been a problem until now and she can’thelp but wonder why that is. has he heard something? a care-less whisper from erik or raven, a neat red string leading rightto her? something about what she’s done or what she will door -- something. something he doesn’t like. something that ledhim to i don’t know you when -- he does. 

(he does, doesn’t he? doesn’t jakob know her? he’d met herso long ago, when she was all watchful eyes and lingering toolong in doorways, asking him questions she didn’t deserve theanswers to. he’d seen her through westchester and into thecity and through so many other things -- meeting roman andthe giddiness that came with it; the blue loneliness that followedher everywhere, though she’d thought she’d be able to shakeit with the rest of the mansion; the ache that came from himknowing she was involved with the brotherhood and how deeply.

if jakob doesn’t know her, she wonders, then what has theirfriendship been?)

so she avoids him. for days. for weeks. she doesn’t come overto sleep on his sofa and she doesn’t go to karaoke. she avoidsany mention of him when roman asks, quiet and careful, and shetries not to think of what he might be doing. how he might befeeling. it doesn’t matter, she tells herself. but it does.

eventually, because they are both too soft for their own goodeven when they are trying to be so hard, they run into each otheragain. she doesn’t want to think of it as an accident because shelingers at the street corner where she knows he passes by on hisway home from work, one foot spinning the pedal of her bicycle,and waits for an hour and a half before he comes cycling by. hecatches her eye and she feels -- embarrassed, suddenly, or maybea little ashamed, because she’s here waiting for him when, for allshe knows, he doesn’t want to see her at all.

but they talk. awkwardly at first. a little stilted. he asks aboutroman and she asks about raven and then that’s over, out of theway, and they have to ask about each other. 

it surprises her when he says it, and something catches in herthroat, and her hands curl a little tighter around the handlebarsof her bike and she absolutely, completely refuses to cry in frontof him. especially because of this.

          “Yeah, I -- um. I -- I miss you, too.”

she swallows, drops her head to hide her face, and then looksback up again.

          “Can we -- I’m sorry, Jakob. I’m just -- sorry.”