〈 disclaimer: this blog posts content not suitable for individuals under the age of 18. minors are strictly prohibited from viewing, sharing, or interacting with this blog. for more information on this blog's commitment to protecting minors, read our full statement here. 〉
event | whumptember 2022
prompt | grief
pairing | fiance!ari levinson x reader
warnings | story is very much based on my own experience (read the author's note for more), very heavy topics related to child loss (fic includes early-stage miscarriage with minimal details given but blood is briefly mentioned and delayed grieving. author's note includes some details of my own story, similar in intensity to the fic)- please don't read if these matters are upsetting to you, reader is young-ish (around 20) and ari's age is left up to the reader, full of sadness and also full of love and healing, ari is everything i needed and didn't get, third person pov because it sounded better for whatever reason.
word count | 1,563
an | this is probably the most personal and vulnerable story i have ever written and posted. i've wanted to write something like this for a while, as writing pieces like these is something i always find a lot of peace and healing in, but it took me a long time to get here. in december of 2021, i had an unexpected miscarriage from an unknown pregnancy. unlike the reader in this story, i went through all of it completely alone. my partner did not know how to support or care for me. i spent the first hours bleeding alone on the floor of the shower. nearly a year later, i have finally healed enough to open up about my experience more on this platform and share this story of reader and a soft, kind, loving ari who is everything i needed and deserved. i hope anyone who has experienced similar loss can find some comfort here. i am asking for everyone to please just hold this story with care. it is very special to me, and i'm taking a big step in sharing it all with you.
It was the sort of thing she just couldn't have seen coming. She wasn't aware of what was happening until it was already over. And in a way, that seemed to make it a little less terrible. In fact, there were many things she convinced herself were in her favor. She was young for it to be happening. She and her fiance Ari certainly weren't planning or trying for anything. And she had no desire to have a child at that time in her life, she really didn't. So, it was okay. For a while, it was okay.
Of course it had been awful, one of the most terrifying things she had ever experienced. Because she had been unaware of the pregnancy, the sudden deterioration of her body and the beginning of what was really the end had been incredibly jarring. The blood, she had never seen anything like the blood. But once the hours spent curled up in the empty bathtub were over, followed by the week or two of on and off pain, it simply seemed to be just that: over. Life went on, for her and everyone around her.
Ari knew, he was the only one. She had told him after the fact, and when she hadn't seemed interested in having much of a conversation about it, the man decided not to push anything. She was grateful for that; she felt a little strange about not having much to say. She had waves of emotion, weird spells of sadness and sometimes anger. But for whatever reason, whenever she tried to pull apart the feelings to examine their contents, she found that she couldn't. Her doctor, who she had followed up with a few weeks after the fateful night, had warned her about the hormonal shifts she would be experiencing for a while to come. "Your body is designed to care for a child as soon as it exists inside you. When the child dies, your body is designed to mourn."
But for a while, there didn't seem to be much real mourning happening inside of her. Until one quiet morning in early spring, when Ari brought home a simple gift for the baby shower of a friend.
"Good morning, sleeping beauty," Ari cooed as he entered the kitchen to find y/n sitting at the breakfast table, still in her pajamas with her hair tied back in her usual messy bun. Taking a sip from her mug of coffee, the girl offered a nod and a smile as the tall man came over to plant a kiss on her forehead, a few plastic bags still in hand from his errands.
"Hey you," she hummed, tilting her head up to kiss his chin, "the bed was lonely without you this morning."
"Sorry sweetheart, just wanted to get out to the shops before things got busy. And you looked too comfy to disturb you," Ari murmured lovingly as he took a seat next to his partner, placing his bags up on the light birch table next to her half-eaten plate of eggs and toast.
"Looks like it was a successful run," y/n nodded at the assortment of brands she could barely make out on the plastic carriers. Nodding, Ari began to go through the haul, pulling out what he had found to show her.
"Yeah, for the most part. I couldn't find those replacement beaters you were talking about, but maybe I was looking in the wrong spot. You'll have to come with me next time and we can look together," he rambled. "Did find the right bit for the drill, though. And some of those raspberry gummies you love so much, the confectionary had a big sale sign in its window so I figured I had to stop in."
"You're too sweet, Ari," the girl blushed as her eyes lit up at the little bag of candies.
"Only the sweetest for my sweetheart," the man smiled kindly as y/n took another bite of her toast. "Oh, and I picked up a gift for Kelly's shower. Those baby boutiques are serious danger zones, I swear. Too much cute stuff," Ari chuckled as he nodded at the small white bag from one of the higher-end specialty stores.
"Oh," y/n hummed with a nod, recognizing the brand. "That place does have some nice stuff. I forgot about the shower, it's a good thing you remembered. What'd you find?" she asked casually as she took her last bite of egg.
Reaching his hand into the bag, Ari's face lit up as he pulled out the gift. "Look at this, I just thought it was so precious. Little kitties on the feet and everything," he gushed as he held up the pastel yellow onesie for his fiance to see. Eyes landing softly on the article of clothing, y/n nodded, taking a moment to chew and swallow before placing down her fork, reaching out for the hanger.
"So cute," she nodded in agreement as she looked over the kitten-patterned fabric lovingly, the sheer size of the garment causing her eyes to widen a bit in wonder. "Wow, this little one's gonna be tiny, isn't she?"
"So tiny," Ari echoed, still smiling as she examined his choice, "I know maybe clothing wasn't the best option, since she'll grow out of it fast, but I got a gift card along with it. I just couldn't not get the kitties, y'know?"
Again, the girl nodded. But as she did, what came as a surprise to maybe both of the couple as they sat there together at the kitchen table was the fact that for the first time in maybe months, y/n had begun to cry.
Brow raising in concern, Ari softened his voice. "Sweetheart...?"
Not taking her eyes off the precious gift still held delicately in her hands, y/n's response was barely above a whisper. "Hey Ari?"
"Hmm? What is it, bubba?" the man asked gently, scooting his chair a bit closer to hers and reaching a hand over to rest on her knee comfortingly.
Y/n blinked back what she could of her tears, her voice shaking a little as she responded. "You know, sometimes I..." Her sentence broke, but Ari only nodded patiently. "Sometimes I... sometimes I think of her."
"Who, honey?" he asked carefully.
"Y-you know... ours." As soon as the words left her mouth, Ari was hit with the realization of what she meant. Nodding again, he reached up to wipe at a few of the weeping girl's tears, though they were quickly replaced by more. "I-I don't know why I decided she was a girl. I just... I guess I just always thought she was. Maybe that's silly."
"Not silly, baby," Ari murmured lowly as he kept his tender gaze on her, wanting to show the way he was holding onto her every word, to show he was really listening.
"I guess I... I don't know. Maybe I've decided a lot of things about her without realizing it. She would've been born around June... sometimes, I call her that in my head. June."
"Could've been a Junie," Ari whispered, his voice swelling a little at the word, "that's a beautiful name, sweetheart."
"Junie," y/n nodded, hands shaking as she still held up the tiny onesie in front of the both of them. "I know never really got sad about it, or at least... I never got as sad as I thought I was supposed to be."
"There's no way you were 'supposed to be', y/n," he reminded her. "However you felt, however you feel, is okay and right. It's okay if you weren't as sad in the beginning. It's okay if you're feeling it more now."
"I'm just thinking of her," y/n whispered softly. "I don't know... I don't know why. Sometimes I see baby things, ads for toys or clips from parents online, and I just..." Ari nodded as her voice trailed off, running his hand back over her hair as he listened. "Hey Ari?"
"Yeah, lovebug?"
"Can we..." Sniffling, y/n hesitated. "Could we... I don't know. Maybe this is stupid, but-"
"No sweetheart. Not stupid. Please don't say that," Ari cooed, sincerity shining in his eyes as he told her, "Whatever it is, if it's something that would help you, something that would bring you a little more peace, it's not stupid. Nothing like that could be stupid, baby."
"I was just thinking," she sighed. "Maybe we could go out sometime and buy her a few things? And just... I don't know. We could keep them somewhere, maybe?"
Smiling at the girl as she wiped away the last of her tears, Ari held no hesitation or doubts as he immediately agreed, "Of course we can do that, honey. Anything you want, it's yours. It's hers. Maybe I can make a nice little toy crate for her- y'know, paint her name on it and everything. And we can put it all in there- how's that sound, sweet girl?"
Eyes filling with tears once again, y/n nodded, finally setting the little yellow onesie down on the table before reaching over to collapse against Ari in a hug. Rubbing her back as he kissed the side of her head, the man whispered in her ear again, "Anything you want, baby. Anything for you, and Junie."
🎁 This is made as part of @lhgivegifts for @orchidsbyjune 🎉
This is my very FIRST attempt at using Canva so please don't judge me! Guess what? I'm your assigned person for this gift exchange, June! Surprise, surprise! Really hard to keep this a secret but I did it, phew...
This was the first fic of @orchidsbyjune that I read andI have decided to honor it and made a poster/fic cover for it? Everyone, if you are looking for something to read for the horror month then this fic is perfect... Link is HERE ("it's a love story." June insists)
I hope you enjoy the cover and you can use it however you desire, June! Getting to know you through our chats and reading your fics made me realize how different our styles are and it's fascinating. To the busiest, creative, funny and lovely June, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Another gift can be found on Ao3, I have gifted my most recent fic to June as well, so if you are interested, click The Fic Post HERE and enjoy!
#project hail mary
#lana del rey
#dallas wings
#photography
