The Choice
“So who will you save, Arthur Pendragon? The one love of your pathetic life? Or the half which makes you whole?” He could have screamed. He could have allowed the sensation of his heart breaking translate into a loud battle cry until all the air left his lungs as he charged at his sister and plunged his sword into her chest. But then he would lose them both and then truly be alone in the world. Merlin and Guinevere. The two people who meant the most to him in the universe, ones he could not live without, and he had to choose. He couldn’t face the thought of losing either of them, he wasn’t sure if he could cope with that kind of pain. He clenched his jaw so hard it felt like his teeth would crumble under the pressure. He forced his lips tightly together so that the scream that so badly wanted to escape came out as only a whimper. He continued to hold the sword to Morgana’s heart, ensuring she felt the tip of the blade every time her chest expanded as she breathed. She did not look phased as she stared death in the face, in fact, there was a small smile dancing on her lips. She was watching the pain in Arthur’s expression and was enjoying every second of it. Killing Arthur was no longer enough for her. After everything she had endured, she wanted Arthur to suffer, and suffer cruelly. To take away someone he loved was easy enough, but that pain would subside and Arthur would get back to being the king and ruler of Camelot. No. Morgana wanted him to feel a pain that he would never get over, something that would haunt him to his grave. To force him to choose between the two most important people in his life was genius. Either Arthur would not choose, possibly offering himself up in exchange for both lives (which he had, but Morgana had simply laughed in his face and said that was not the game), and have both their deaths on his hands, or he would choose and blame the death of the one he rejected on himself whilst not being able to look at the other in the face. Guilt was the worst pain of all. “Choose wisely, dear brother,” she whispered, and Arthur’s grip on his sword slacked slightly. He looked up, past where he and Morgana were crouched on the stone floor of Morgana’s lair. Behind them were two figures swinging in the air, arms above their heads as their wrists were bound together with rope and hoisted up with some kind of magic. Arthur knew there was some sort of enchantment surrounding them, Morgana had said as much, and the rope holding one of his beloved’s up was the life line of the other and when cut would kill the person it represented. He also knew the only way to get them down was the cut the rope. There was no hope of cutting the ropes at the same time for one rope would always be cut first and it would be that person who would be saved. And he could not untie the knots as the rope had melted together at the joints like wax and it would be impossible to untangle. It was hopeless. Either he chose or he lost them both. His arm slackened some more, the sword was getting heavy, but he did not relax completely. He had to keep Morgana under control of his sword. It settled a very small part of his mind knowing exactly where she was and that she could not move. Even though she probably could, a voice said in the back of his mind, she’s just choosing not to because she has no reason to. She knows you have to make a choice and she’s waiting around until you make it. New found anger surged through Arthur’s body and he held the sword higher and firmer than before. The tip of the blade pressed into Morgana’s chest, and she winced ever so slightly at the sudden fury, but then she collected herself and tilted her head to the side, raising an eyebrow. This was it, there was no way out, he had to make a choice. Shaking, Arthur looked up again at the swinging bodies. They had both called him when he had come charging into the cave, Guinevere screaming for help and Merlin telling him to go back and save himself. Then Morgana had appeared and both had lost their voices immediately. Arthur had taken a swing at her but she used her powers to push the sword away. She had then revealed the choice she wanted Arthur to make, and what would happen if he didn’t and when he did. Out of the corner of his eye, Arthur had seen Guinevere begin to struggle unsuccessfully against her bonds, Merlin just hung there, weak and powerless. Arthur looked at Guinevere first. She was terrified. Her face damp with the tears that had flowed from the moment of her capture, but she had long since run out and settled with sobbing as she silently pleaded with Arthur to be her knight in shining armour that he once had been before and save her. Her dress had been shredded from the attack and kidnap, and there was mud and grass stains from where she must have been forced to walk through the forest no doubt tied to a horse or cart of some sort. Arthur tried to imagine a life without Gwen. She was his queen, and a good one at that. The kingdom would mourn her greatly when she passed. She was a great asset to the court and was highly respected, her kind and compassionate nature along with her intelligence provided solutions to problems that, under the reign of Uther, would have been solved with bloodshed, and Arthur had always wanted to avoid this as much as possible. Arthur cared for her greatly, he was not sure if he could marry another woman after her, nor could he think of a better person to one day be the mother of his child. She knew him well enough to know when to push him to be his best and when to step back and allow Arthur to make his own decisions and mistakes. She never judged and always knew the best way to convey concerns. He also enjoyed her company in the evenings after a long day’s training or patrolling and she would always be there waiting for him when he got back from trips away. She was a good queen. Then Arthur’s eyes drifted to Merlin, limp and still like the life had been drained from him. His eyelids were heavy and his breathing shallow and Arthur knew that if he left it too long fate would decide who would survive and not him. Arthur could not bear to see Merlin like this. It hurt. Merlin was his closest and loyalist friend. Arthur could talk to him about every secret, every fear, and every happiness he felt, something he could not even do with his knights, some of which he had grown up with and known long before Merlin came into the equation. Arthur thought fondly of their first encounter, when Merlin dared to speak out against him and challenge him to a fight. And then he saved his life. Not out of duty or love of his king, but because that’s what kind of person he was. And from that day he went on to save Arthur’s life many times, more than Arthur knew, Arthur suspected, and never once asked for thanks. Merlin was a prat. He was stupid, an idiot, and a girl. He was also wise beyond his years and the one person Arthur could always rely on. He was special. The connection he shared with Merlin was unlike anything he had ever experienced in his life. The petty arguments and insults were the only way they knew how to express how they felt about each other, and if Arthur was honest, he was one of the reasons he got up in the morning. Merlin made him who he was and he did not see the point in being king if Merlin was not there to advise him when he needed advising. Gwen and Merlin had both noticed the change in Arthur’s expression and were both now silent for another reason. Arthur was going to make his decision, because to save one of them was a lesser of two evils, and they knew that if Arthur had the chance to save a life he would take it. Morgana, too, had noticed it and fully intended to get an answer. “So,” Arthur turned sharply at the sound of her voice, his eyes both pleading and staring daggers at her, “what’s it going to be?” Arthur hesitated, once again contemplating just running his sister through with the sword, but then he allowed his aching arm to go limp as stood up and turned to face the two most important people in his world. His whole body was shaking as he approached them. In a trance like state he stood before them. They weren’t too far off the ground really, maybe a foot or two, so Arthur did not have to lift his head up much to look them both in the eye. They were both afraid. He could not do this. How could he do this? And then he heard it. A hoarse whisper barely audible as it escaped the lips of the body on the left of him. “Ar…thur…” It was so quiet, so weak, Arthur knew every syllable caused the owner pain. “Yes Merlin,” he whispered so that it was at the same level as Merlin’s voice, he did not want to make Merlin feel even more feeble or have him believe this was an easy choice to make. Merlin blinked so slowly Arthur was afraid he was not going to open his eyes again, but then those brilliant blue irises were back in his sights and Merlin took a deep breath for strength. “Save her.” Arthur stared at Merlin; he had made his choice for him. Just like every time Arthur did not know what to do, Merlin was there to tell him what was right. He should cut down Guinevere, the queen of Camelot, his wife, and take her back to their kingdom where they would continue to rule with the honour and compassion that they always had. They would take back the news of Merlin’s death and explain what had happened. Everyone would be very sorry and grieve but they would understand, Guinevere was his wife and Merlin was just a manservant, there could not have been any other outcome. They would give Merlin a proper knight’s burial and ensure his mother was set up for life. And then Arthur would go back to how it was before; ruling the kingdom, meetings and patrols and training sessions, just without the quips and laughter and the funny stirring in his stomach every time Merlin smiled at him. “No.” The sound of his voice surprised Arthur. He found himself still staring at Merlin and he had to blink a few times to clear the thoughts swirling around his head. “No,” he said again, much more fierce this time and shaking his head. The strength in his voice seemed to be absorbed by Merlin as he suddenly had the energy to stir and speak. “Arthur, listen to me, your happiness is more important than your duty to Albion. You don’t need me to unite the five kingdoms, I-” For a moment it looked as though Merlin was about to say something but then changed his mind and settled with, “I believe in you.” “You’re right, I must follow my heart.” Merlin nodded and then returned to his exhausted self, satisfied with his choice. It was then that Arthur turned to Guinevere. At first he kept his eyes shut, he felt so ashamed and couldn’t bear to look at her, but he knew that she deserved more than that. Slowly he opened his eyes. She knew, somehow Arthur could tell, they had been friends for years so it should not have come as such a surprise. Arthur expected her to thrash and struggle, to plead for her life, or yell at him for leading her on all this time, but instead she simply gave him a sad smile. “It’s okay,” she said, choking back tears, “I understand. Just promise me something.” “Anything,” Arthur swore immediately. Gwen gave him another soft smile. “Don’t blame yourself. I could not live knowing I had taken Merlin from you, I forgive you. I will be with Lancelot, I will be happy.” Arthur lifted himself up on tip toes and cupped her head in his hands, kissing the base of her cheek that he could just about reach. He then stepped back and turned to Morgana, who had been standing and watching them where Arthur had left her. “You ask me to choose between the love of my life and the half that makes me a whole? Then I shall give you my answer, I choose both. I choose Merlin.” “What?” both Morgana and Merlin screamed at the same time. Merlin began to struggle against his restraints. “No Arthur, save Gwen, you love her not me. Why else would you-” Arthur grabbed hold of Merlin’s clothing in his fists and pulled him as close as he could. “Do you love me?” he asked unblinkingly. “W-what?” “Do you love me? I have to know Merlin, I have to.” Merlin hesitated, his hard and shocked exterior crumbling as Arthur scrutinised him. “Yes.” Arthur was on tip toes immediately, forcing a hard and desperate kiss on Merlin’s lips. He then ended it abruptly and pushed away, turning to face Guinevere one last time. “I am so sorry,” he said, allowing a tear to fall. “Goodbye Arthur,” she replied, giving him one last smile that broke his heart. Forcing those feelings aside for when he could deal with them properly, he moved so that he stood behind Merlin and look Morgana square in the face. “I choose Merlin.” With one quick sweep of his sword, the rope which held Merlin up was cut and Merlin fell into Arthur’s open arms. Arthur’s legs buckled under the weight and he dropped to the ground, holding Merlin close to his chest to protect him from any more harm. At the same time Gwen’s body came crashing down on the hard stone floor and crumpled in an unmoving heap to the side of them. Morgana had disappeared. As soon as Arthur had untied him, Merlin crawled over to Gwen’s body and searched for any signs of life. It was hopeless. Arthur knelt beside Merlin and brushed a strand of hair out of Gwen’s peaceful face. They sat silently side by side for some time, unsure of what to say or do. It was Merlin who broke the silence. “Thank you,” he said quietly, although Arthur wasn’t sure if he deserved the thanks. “I should have been me but-” “Merlin listen to me,” Arthur said harshly, there was no way he was going to allow Merlin to feel guilty over this, “losing Gwen is… horrible, but if it had been the other way around, if it had been you that…” he couldn’t bring himself to say the word, “I couldn’t live without you,” he said at last. And then Merlin began to sob. The physical and emotional exhaustion overcame him and he just buried his head in his hands and let it all out. Arthur wrapped his arms around him and pulled him towards his chest, holding him as he rubbed circles on his back. “Hush hush hush, it’s okay, it’s all over now, I love you, it’s okay.” It wasn’t okay, but Arthur knew that it would be. It would take time, they would need to adjust, to accept everything that had happened. And as much as Arthur hated himself right now, he had made a promise to Gwen and he was determined to see it through. He promised to himself that he would punish Morgana for the pain she had caused and put an end to all her meddling. One day he and Merlin would rule the greatest kingdom in history together, side by side, and it was that thought that gave him the strength to get to his feet, encourage Merlin to do the same, scoop Gwen’s body up and over his shoulder, take Merlin’s hand in his, and make his way back to Camelot. No, everything was not okay, but it would be.