#-johnny's asks

[irritablepoe]

your turn for what?

My turn for some luck, just a little bit

For a job to hire me

For someone to love me and genuinely want to be with me

For being a fav person to someone

For someone to want to kiss me

For someone to respect me as a person

My turn to move out and finally build a life for my own

My turn to get to the "it gets better" phase that somehow everyone else but me has... Bc it only seems to get worse by the fucking day :)

Literally anything else ever

My turn for me to die maybe as well if the rest doesn't work out👍

[irritablepoe]

are u surviving?

Thank you thank you yes i am, my colleagues are already asking me to take more responsibility than I'm probably allowed to rn but I'm really glad they're so convinced I'll get the job lmao, and also i gladly take those responsibilities. Otherwise I'm still blank, like I'm trying so hard to get blorbo thoughts but nope. Nothing. I slept for hours this afternoon. Got some snacks. Yeah. Otherwise there's nothing really lol. I think i overshared a bit at work with my father and stuff and why i wanna move out so quickly. But they reacted very empathetically so I'm not too worried lol, and also they asked about it so whatever lol. I'm too open a book ig💀

Anyways, hope you're doing alright too anon🙏💜

[irritablepoe]

how are ya feeling today?

Thank you for asking, I'm feeling a bit dead inside and I'm trying my hardest not to spiral but im okay, i was swimming today after work (for sport purposes not for fun) and i think that was a bit of a distraction. Got new horror books as well by darcy coates, I'm going to dive in now i think :3

How about you anon? 💜🙏

[irritablepoe]

chubby johnny?

Yeah i suppose so🥺

[irritablepoe]

is there anything at all that you think might help you right now?

What would help would only be lies. I really am ungrateful. I really am selfish and cold-hearted. I'm not loved nor wanted on this app nor irl. Reassuring me that i deserve to live or that I'm genuinely wanted on here and loved is simply a lie. And idk what else would help. Bc i simply don't believe it. And because it's also untrue. I don't offer anything that would be even remotely a positive thing about me. So how could anyone like me who's seen what i posted at my lowest (like now or a few days ago).

[irritablepoe]

if it might help you can always start a fresh blog if you feel like this one has too much baggage holding you back, or you could mass delete your vents and start fresh that way? for the record i don't think you have to do this and i like your blog still, these are just things i have done before when i have had similar thoughts and it does help as a reset. you even could make a separate blog for your venting if you think that might help? not to hide it, just to help your spiraling thoughts around how you think people are seeing it whether true or not.

I appreciate the suggestion, if I don't delete my blog then maybe a sideblog will do. But I won't do a fresh start. Deletion will be deletion. With the absolute failure of a person i am there'd be no use in just repeating the same pattern on a different blog.

I don't think the sideblog will do either honestly. My rep is already ruined. No one wants to talk to me anymore. Fandom is ruined for me. I'm probably blogged by so many atp. Everyone is just following me out of pity and just waiting for this blog to finally die.

I just have to delete it. And never come back. And then fucking kill myself bc no one would miss me anyways.

[irritablepoe]

oh... i realized i might have been one of the “it’s literally fine” people... i thought you only didn't answer because that's simply too hard for you rn, but if it looked like hate to you, i get why you wouldn't want to engage with it. i'm really super super sorry.. i swear it wasn’t my intention to completely dismiss your worries. i tried to come off lighthearted because it seemed obvious to me you were spiraling and didn’t want to say something that would lead you to believe those catastrophizing thoughts even more. i suppose i over-corrected and ended up giving you the opposite of what you needed (validation, i would guess?). it's really no excuse though, i should have known better and made my tone clear/not said any of that at all. i’m truly sorry for that.

Dw, i didn't see it as hate really don't worry about it, i also don't answer really long supportive asks for some god damn reason because i just can't with my brain or i can't accept that this is actually a real thing people would say to me (in a good way). So either good or bad i don't answer much. Please don't apologize, the way i said it was supposed to have more emphasis on the "why are you venting" part with nothing following my answer i suppose. Idk obv no one has to send support but asking and then not telling me it's fine and immediately assuming it's fine is just like... Okay well it's not fine for me even if you sent reassurance part 36282638228 right now i believe I'm the worst person on earth and everything said previously has no effect anymore. But that's also a huge me issue. I get it. I get it's ungrateful. And no one has to apologise for that. I'm sorry that i made you feel bad anon, that wasn't my intention. What really fucking hurt was one of the last anons that called me ungrateful and cold. But I can't even blame them bc they're right. And I don't get how my mask only fell now. But ig it's over for me. I hope i can bring up the courage to delete my account. Please don't feel bad.

[irritablepoe]

i'm really worried about you...

You should be more worried about my friends who're trapped in my claws still when they should have realised by now what kind of a shitty and selfish person i am