Favorite Journal entries, 2009
"We lay in the grass at Menil Park and made out - in front of all the park goers, and we didn't even care."
"I gave away too much of myself to him. It was purely inadvertent, but I did. And only now I know how much a burden physical attraction on its own is - because it will always leave you alone in the end."
"Taking the SAT in Columbus, TX was a pretty big ego-booster though, I must say. Half of the kids in my testing room had never even looked at a test-prep book, and didn't know anything at all about the test."
"I'm working on my posture right now. Trying to hold my shoulders back and low, to make me have a powerful and attractive line like Jordan Baker's in The Great Gatsby. She makes me want to be named Jordan."
"She is so pink-frosting, bubbles, fluffy-bunny pretty that OF COURSE he is into her. So I shouldn't let any of it bother me. I mean, so we've kissed a few times. So what? None of that is meaningful in today's racy, lustful, promiscuous, hook-up driven social scene. None of it should mean anything. But it does to me. I must be so abnormal."
"When I had the jacket that he left in my car, I curiously sniffed the sleeve - and then couldn't get enough of the smell. I don't know why or how, but his jacket (or perhaps he himself?) smells amazing. I had to take a few more whiffs because I couldn't believe how nice it smelled."
"And then as we were driving back we crossed a street and there, ridin' easy as you please, came that good-for-nothing shit on MY bike. Providence, I tell you, might just be real. "
"'We're driving her home,' he told his mom (going all Mr. Darcy on us like nobody's business)."
"I'm going to die. Eventually. Although junior year hasn't done me in yet..."
"15 minutes of my LAST day in Ms. Fennell's classroom!!!!!!!
Only 10 more minutes!!
6 minutes!
This is a moronic waste of time.
4 minutes... TO FREEDOM"
"But do I think this because I truly don't think she will make it or because I don't want her to succeed because I cannot?"
"Reading E. M. Forester's A Room With a View. It is a really lovely book, with some beautiful insights into love, human nature, passion, maturing."
"These past few days, stuck in a car with mom, have been a disaster. I have groaned and complained at every possible turn, and snapped and quibbled my way through conversations and driving directions. Yet despite my knowing it is wrong, I continue to be this way, for she is so incredibly trying at times."
"Lacking a computer is actually the only reason I'm writing in this now."
"Life is so confusing, complex, uncomfortable, convoluted, stressful, and misleading. I don't even know what to think or how to think about it."
"It is unfortunate how easily I could fall in love with him. How easily I can imagine being with him. I already know the feel of his back, I know his scars, his hands, his hair, his neck."
"I feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Yesterday I started crying in Chamber Music and I couldn't stop. All because I am so fucking unprepared to be in there. "
"How inexplicably obnoxious. How utterly unseemly. How ignorant of conventions, yet devoid of originality. AHHHHHH. FUCK."
"Opening night.
Really really amazing show.
Super energy from the audience, super energy from all of us onstage."
"One more night of the show and then it's officially over. I'm honestly not thrilled about a swan show; my voice is shot my body is weary; and I have pressing work to attend to."
"Today, I realized that what I've been studying for the past three and a half years is not what I want to do with my life. At all. FML."
"Mom and J are fighting. I'm proud of Mom for finally asserting herself. J is an overbearing bitch."
"The profundity of "Our Town" has left me disgruntled and upset."
"It is raining in torrents. The yard and drive and front path are a swamp. Thunder just rolled across the earth."
"I'm writing by the feeble, bluish light of my cell phone screen. However, I wanted to put down on paper some small fraction of what is going on in my head right now."
"Worst day yet of this month... semester? It was pretty bad. I will obviously not get a boyfriend in high school."
"Well fuck it. Fuck high school. Fuck hope, fuck anticipation, fuck my stupid imagination. Fuck him for letting me think I had a chance with him. Fuck me."
"Well, I've pretty much decided to get over him successfully!"
"Last night I had a great dream. It was so lifelike, I remember holding someone's hand, both hands, kissing him, talking."
"Learning to make Thanksgiving dinner."
"I do not really want to date in high school. Here's some logic: as the boys of my high school are a 40% minority, they are a scarce commodity. The things of the highest market value, and therefor lowest attainability level (as I've learned on the Federal Reserve Bank Student Board of Directors) are always scarce. Thus dateable boys at my school are practically unattainable."