#03122009

[archiveofkloss]

karlie kloss for louis vuitton’s fall 2009 rtw show

[dubmill]

Oxford Street, London; 3.12.2009

[taeminrecuerdos]

03.12.2009

Un día como este, invitaron a los chicos de SHINee a la creación de osos de peluche, como parte de la promoción para el concierto 'Let's Celebrate 2010' (celebrado ese mismo día por la noche).

[taeminrecuerdos]

03.12.2009

SHINee @ Concierto 'Let’s celebrate 2010' en Tailandia

[taeminrecuerdos]

03.12.2009

Como se hizo el spot de SHINee paa 'Nana's B CF'.

[schkfljsdafdsk]

7 (september’s end)

i remember after you passed, i turned to music to help me cope. green day was one of those bands, and they had a song, wake me up when september ends. and that song had a line:

like my father’s come to pass, seven years has gone so fast

and i would never believe that 7 years actually would pass. but it really has been 7 years. everything really just does keep going, doesn’t it?

i’m going to college later this year. before that, we’re moving to virginia. and before that, i’m graduating high school. looking back at it now, i guess you never even got to see me start middle school, and here i am, almost leaving home. i’m a little blown away. i know endings are inevitable, and with them come new beginnings, but why’s it got to be so goddamned hard? i don’t want to leave. i don’t want to move on i really do not. sometimes i wish i could just stay in my depression and sadness forever if it could mean holding on to you. but time is a little stronger than that, and really, things fade. it will of course always be a fundamental part of me, but i suppose if i had lost an arm, after a while i’d be accustomed to not having an arm. losing you is starting to feel like that a little bit. i’m forgetting what having a dad means. 

but more than that. even physically, we’re moving away. and this feels so much more final than anything else that has happened. when we sold your old toyota camry. when mr. carl moved in. now we’re actually leaving. the home you and mom built, the memories we built in this town, this place. maybe that’s why people want to leave, but you are very much a reason i don’t ever want to leave. because i know, i know that things fade when you aren’t constantly with them. you are the proof of that, in any case. there’s some things that i don’t want to fade.

there’s all that about keeping things in your heart forever but there’s a certain concreteness that that lacks. i’m a little more scared than i’ve ever been at the prospect of letting go. 

at the same time, dad, the feeling of living a happy life is something i’ve come to experience. i’m finding little things more beautiful. big things too of course, but it’s been a lot easier for me to find beautiful things. i’m glad for that. drapes of wisteria, the sweeping green hills in wood canyon, little pots of flowers. there’s beauty here. it’s not all dark, and it’s certainly not all sadness. i’ve been feeling pretty happy as of late. i really have. i think i’ve gotten a little bit better at being positive.

the song ends with billie joe singing 

like my father’s come to pass, twenty years has gone so fast

one thing’s for sure. i’ll write you a letter every year. i hate that it feels like we’re strangers. i will not let go. 

i love you.

[schkfljsdafdsk]

6 - a year in review, a greeting, another goodbye

It’s been another year since you left us. A lot has changed, a lot has stayed the same. 

I’m sure you’d be proud to know that I can drive by myself now. I got my license last month. It was a close call, and I still feel like I need to wear a helmet when I drive. But really, driving is like breathing for me. It’s not that difficult and I like being in the car. I like listening to music really loud. I think that’s my favorite part. I get overly concerned about gas usage.

We have a dog now. He is a happy corgi puppy that is 11 months old in 4 days. He shares the same birthday as me. His name is Sabo and he is wonderful. He is so full of energy and life, but it’s sometimes a bit too much for the rest of us to handle. He is sable, which is a copper mixed with a brown, and has a little white marking on his head, and little white paws, and a very white belly. He loves showing us his belly. He shares the same birthday as me.

In just one year, I have fallen down, and I have gotten up, and right now I think I’m tripping. I need to right myself. Every year around this time I get a little down. I’m not sure why. I think of you more in the spring, likely because its when you left, but also likely because its a defrosting and everything sort of rushes at once. School and life catch me in a whirl around this time, but if I tough it through to about May, I’ll be fine. I’ll tough it out. It’s what you taught me to do. I wasn’t so good at it, and I’m still not good at it, but I think I have to learn.

To be honest, it hasn’t been easy. I wish I could say when I think of you, I’m filled with warmth. But I’m not. When I think of you, I feel empty. “The memories fade, like looking through a fogged mirror”. I am looking through a fogged mirror. I miss you and I miss being a little kid and I miss all of that, but most of all I miss not remembering. I feel the memory but I don’t remember the memory. It’s like a ghost. I can’t see it, but I can sense that it was there once, that it happened, and that I am missing it. I feel lost. I wanted to drive you in a car, I wanted you to teach me to drive, I wanted you to play and love our puppy, I wanted you to be there, be there always. Then, now, in the future. I still think that you will not walk me down the aisle, hold my kids, hold me, hold me, hold me. And this stupid simple truth hurts. 

Right now I want to hold on to you as tightly as I can. I will not let myself forget you. I am slipping. I don’t know if that’s recovery or if that’s life or if my memory is already turning sour. If it’s recovery, I will not let myself recover. It hurts too much. I don’t think of you every day anymore. I only think of you when I hurt, when I feel empty. When my mind drifts, it will occasionally drift to you, but it isn’t the only destination anymore. Even that hurts. You don’t matter any less to me, but maybe you do. Maybe we’re all built to move on, to cycle through things. And that’s the worst part, and what hurts the most. If that’s a truth, it’s a truth I cannot accept no matter how true it is. Again, that hurts too much.

And the worst part is, I can see you now, crying and shaking, because you were that kind of emotional person. I miss you so much.

I love you.

[schkfljsdafdsk]

In Memory

5 years is a long time. I still think about you every day, that hasn't changed. Every day for five years. What would you tell me? What would you say?

I don't know. I'm feeling a bit lost right now, and very tired. I don't know what I am doing wrong most of the time, and I spend a lot of time thinking about that.

I think about what I miss most about you. What I miss the most is when you used to tuck me in a night, and when you kissed me good night, the stubble of your beard would prick my face, and I would giggle because everything would be alright. I miss that the most. I miss the way you used to smell, and I miss hearing the crack of sunflower seeds, and the way you'd tear up at my school events, during sports events, because you loved and were willing to let love, and took pride in so much. I miss the last five days I spent with you, helping me study for a test. I miss you lying on my bed and reading those words to me, and I missed the way things looked when things were finally looking ok again.

And I do get jealous. I see kids and their dads and there's a dull ache in my chest because I know that's a bond that's been lost. And I wonder what you would tell me on nights like these when I am tired and telling myself to go to sleep because I am a wreck.

Sometimes I am scared of forgetting. I will not forget. I love you, I love you, I love you. I am terrible at letting things go, and I will not let you go. It may hurt me, but I miss you, and I cry I cry.

i miss the sunday mornings where I felt something would go wrong if I went to interrupt your sleep at 7 in the morning but I went anyway because the mountain of your back was so rigid I was sure it would never disappear.

I remember the day of the funeral and how frustratingly blue the sky was. I remember the clouds and thinking that you were definitely there that day, so full of life and so sure that you did not want to be there. I am feeling pretty numb today dad, pretty worn out. I miss you.

It's been five years. In five years time, I became a kindergartner and Aaron became a happy gurgling two year old. In another five years, you left us. Five more years, and here I sit, eyes held open by the crust of my tears. Tell me, does it get better? tell me. am I working towards a goal worth living for? 

Tell me, do you miss me? Do you still know me? I miss you dad, truly I do.

And all this useless justification of whether you were here or not, I don't need it. I need you, I miss you, I love you.

But you're gone now, and that's ok. I will try to be a good daughter even then. 

My one wish is just to feel your stubble brush my cheek one more time. When I think of you, that is what I remember.