#04-2022

[mattbystuff]

[tumbloggingat-theendofallthings]

Y'all

[hemoclysmic]

22/04-22

i know that id be so fucking bad at it in actuality but sometimes i look out of my window to see splinters of everyone else's lives happening together and i cant help but ache for domesticism.

im never in the moment with other people the way i am alone, above, observing the outside, but i wish i could feel this grounded. i want peaceful moments with someone else, i want a life i am at home in, i want joy in companionship, i wanna sit on a balcony and look at the street, i want to feel stillness instead of boredom instead of think of something to say instead of when you look at me what do you see

i cant remember ever feeling peace in the presence of another person. i want a mind i can read but don't need to. i want a presence that doesn't feel like one. I just, cant, pretend, i don't feel watched.

let me be the cat on the balcony. honey what are you thinking about. silent head on shoulder. there is nowhere and everywhere to go. do you wanna go for a walk together, even though we'll get murdered? in the blue hour. i want to be a ghost with someone else. watch with me. just watch. the balcony railing lights, lit windows/unlit, silhouettes on the street below with direction, cars and cars and chatter and wind static. not noticing shivering. just standing together. held but not holding. i would like to not be always holding, just be holding, behold with me. that's it. because we're never running out of time, we can still fit all of it into moments like these, a fold on a circular line. we have the luxury of forgettable moments. that is all. it's all the difference. it's all the same.

the luxury of moments that don't matter. deliberate dead space. that's the most expensive wish i have. i think it's the only thing dense enough that it could finally sat(urat)e me. yes and no are both wrong answers. are you getting me? i want to not have to cram meaning into every moment because you'll be gone by tomorrow. i get caught in a loop. all i want is a nothing that means something because it's empty. please. just be a rock sinking in the ocean. with me. be a watcher. look at everything you've seen before and will see again and assign it no other meaning than it has in it's own existence and dont tell me anything you're feeling because words are weak and inaccurate and i will understand because you sigh and your hand lands somewhere on me. because we are alive. just give me one moment where you're not giving me anything.

[hemoclysmic]

16/04-22

the way you burn is similar to a forest fire.

there is a burnt part, a yet to be burnt part, and a gash of live fire separating them.

do you feel the heat?

you are sitting in the ashes. you are watching the coal reflect on your fingertips. you are digging your lungs into the dust and anchoring yourself to the scorched earth. iredescent feathers. there is time. all the time.

you're red-hot, glowing, crackling, impurities cleansing. you're split second decisions. you're dry porous. you're hungry devouring insatiable. you're radical tearing off through blindly. you're suffocating. you're going over the rails.

you're watching it approach you're running you're tripping over yourself you're you're you're god get up it's behind you it's in front of you you can't you haveto you're oh

you're red hot. glowing. crackling. impurities cleansing.

you are sitting in the ashes. you are watching.

you are seeking fireweed in the smoking fuel you've torn through.

no

an excitable medium is a medium a wave can pass through only once. these have a refractory period; the time it takes for the wave to be able to pass through again

(fireweed)

you've taken a few turns, haven't you? pyrophyte.

do you wag that tail of yours? are you?

anchoring yourself to the scorched earth. anchor, sinking, cause that's what you need, but there's nothing to hold onto, a heat sink, one you're throwing up into by stolen mirrors and graffiti'd walls.

i can hear the mantra, hunger doesnt control me, you want everything you can't have, like you're praying to it

you will not stop until it hurts.