#06. desiderium

[falconiiisms]

"...." Everyone freaking out because its snowing in Kemet for the first time.. No one knows it was his doing just in case his prince and his guard come to visit..

"Perhaps I should have isolated it to my quarters instead..?"

[secondtrumphet]

Yuu started slightly as the bun was tapped to his lips instead of Mika biting into it. But it reminded him of another time years ago when instead of taking the last two pork buns for himself like Yuu had intended, the blond boy handed one back to him.

The memory had him snickering as he obediently opened his mouth to accept the pork filled bun. Some things never changed and since it was for his birthday, he wouldn't refuse. Not that he probably would have been allowed to anyway. Nor did it escape him that he didn't have to be cautious as they shared buns this time either.

"Oh I have something else for you too," he added after swallowing the bite he had taken.

It wasn't much, but his wages were meager at best, especially when he was "paid under the table". So from his pocket he pulled a hundred dollar gift card to a game shop from his pocket. A second gift card, this one worth fifty was also pulled free, this one from a book store.

"I wasn't sure if you still liked the same stuff. So I played it safe and got these instead so you can pick it yourself," he explained, a sheepish smile on his lips. After all, it was his own fault that he didn't know much about his companion anymore.

cont.

@museguided

[secondtrumphet]

Yuu sniffled as he sneakily walked back toward the place he'd been calling "home" for the past few weeks. Hopefully, he wasn't catching a cold, but it was more likely that he was. What could one expect though when they had to make do with what they could get? In his case, what he could get was a few blankets on a cold concrete floor. Besides, even if he got sick, it was still better than the alternative. The alternative being his abusive parent's house.

Even now he wondered how he hadn't figured out for himself that how his folks treated him wasn't normal? It took one of his new friends from Hyakuya Orphanage to point it out to him. Speaking of his friends, he wondered how they were doing now. Hopefully staying warm and healthy and having the least amount of run ins with his father as possible.

They were smart though, so Yuu was sure they wouldn't let themselves be near Yuu's dad for long if at all. He remembered little Ako and Mika shrinking back when they first met the man after all. Ako just recovering sickness and Mika just catching it. Yuu had felt so bad for it, gaslit into thinking he'd been the reason.

Even now, the abuse he'd endured still left a stain in his young heart and mind. If Mika or any of the other kids knew he ran away, would they be mad at him? Would they hate him like dad said? It was an abusive house he came from, but he still had both parents. Would they be mad that he ran away without telling them anything? They'd been friends after all. To them it may look like he just disappeared out of nowhere.

If he ever met them again, he'd have to be sure to apologize. For now, he needed to get back to the old abandoned school before anyone saw him and called the police. He'd do anything, deal with anything, as long as he didn't have to go back to his parents.

Little did he know with his progressively fogging mind, he'd already caught someone's attention. A familiar someone. He just continued to the school and crawled in through a hole in the chain link fence then through a door that used to be boarded up.

His entrance caused dust to become unsettled and fly into his face. Which of course triggered a cough and sneeze. Thankfully though, there was still enough daylight to see with, otherwise his trek to the basement would be dangerous. It still could be with his steps a little more unsure and slow with sickness setting in. He had medicine and electricity down there if he could just get there to flip on the lights. A hot shower would probably do him some good too and soup. Instant ramen counted as soup right?

"I probably need to think of cleaning this place a bit more.." he thought aloud, not expecting an answer.

@museguided

[secondtrumphet]

"I wasn't expecting so many kids to be here," he admitted with a laugh as he came to stand beside Mika rather than in front of him.

He could better see the door from his peripheral vision like this. Something he'd need to do as he bit down into the warm fluffy bun and the sweet pork inside. If dad saw him eating one, he'd probably get mad again, so it was better he didn't know.

His dad and the man's volcanic temper wasn't anywhere in his thoughts however as he conversed with his friend. It had been a long time since they got to exchange more than a few words with each other. Usually, he and his dad were packing up their supplies to head to the next location by the time Mika and the other kids got out of school and were heading back here. It made him wish a lot of times he could go to public school rather than be home schooled.

He was tempted to hang himself out of the truck window to at least be able to wave at the boy as they drove away and shout when they'd be there next time. But he knew better, one cold look from his father after he rolled the window down to do exactly that one day and he rolled it right back up and sat quietly. Though his gaze had gone to Mika in the rearview mirror and watched until they were out of sight.

Now for the first time in forever, he could be in his company again without the other boy being sick. And he meant to soak it up as long as he could, it wouldn't be long though he noted as his dad came in lugging in their supplies. He quickly hid the bun behind his back as the cold gaze searched for and landed on him. There must not have been any sauce on his face because the man looked away again to speak with the director instead. The whole time, that fake smile was on the man's face. Only then did he feel comfortable to take another bite.

"Originally I got so many buns for everyone to have more than one each," he finally added. "Looks like its a good thing I did." And his smile returned as a chorus of thanks came from the other kids all following Mika's lead. "You're welcome," he called back to them.

This, exactly this was why he had done it in the first place. Since first coming here and meeting Mika and Ako, he always felt welcomed on the rare occasions that the kids were all here. As if he was one of them, another member of their chosen family. Which was exactly why he had put some money back he was able to keep from his dad until he could use it.

The money he earned ended up being put into food for the house or bills - or so he was told - and again, not knowing this wasn't normal, he didn't think twice about it. Indeed, he'd told his dad that the buns were for the kids here or he wouldn't have been allowed to even buy them. But if Yuu was so "generous" it made his dad look even better to the public or so dad had mumbled to himself.. But that didn't matter. Everyone was enjoying their treat from him and that was all that mattered to him.

"Dad says there's some important people coming here soon. Apparently they're looking into places to fund. That's why were called in on the weekend this time. We'll probably be here tomorrow too and next weekend as well." he shared.

He wasn't sure if the kids already knew this or not, but it was too exciting not to share with him. More funding meant even better food and living conditions for the kids right? Maybe even an expansion which they may need with so many kids here now.

"You may even get adopted to a good family," he added. Truthfully, he selfishly hoped not. He not see him anymore if he was, but if anyone deserved a loving family, it was Mika in Yuu's opinion.

cont.

@museguided

[secondtrumphet]

"Who says growing up has to make us boring?" he laughed.

What could he say? The nostalgia had gotten to him, seeing all the kids running around and throwing snowballs like projectiles. Now those same kids seemed to be as stunned as Mika had been. Then they giggled with delight that adults seemed to be joining in the game.

Who cared if they ended up getting disapproving looks from other adults? Yuu certainly hadn't cared much for what the older generation thought anyway since he was much younger. So quick to change opinions and generally looking down on he and Mika anyway. So what was one more reason?

As if to prove how much he didn't care, he laughed as he ran away before Mika could throw the ball of snow at him. He nearly lost his footing as he bent, still running to gather more snow. But that just added to the fun anyway.

cont.

@museguided

[secondtrumphet]

"Happy birthday, Yuu."

Mika gave him a warm smile as he presented the home-baked cake. Given the season, he had chosen spiced apples and walnuts with a caramel glaze. He wasn't much of a baker, and his mother had guided him through most of it, but Yuu didn't need to know that.

On top of the container, a card sat with a sealed envelope attached. "You can't open it until you get home safe, okay?" After all, he couldn't allow Yuu to refuse the money inside, the same amount Yuu had given him on his own birthday, and then a little extra. "But you can read the card now, if you want," he added, the words faltering in a sudden wave of shyness as he recalled what was written.

The card had taken him nearly a whole night before he could be even somewhat satisfied with it. The front was illustrated by his own hand, of cosmos and lilies of the valley, their birth flowers, but it didn't take nearly as long as the message he wrote inside.

I'm really glad I found you again. There were days when I thought I would never get the chance to— Now that you're here, I hope you can stay with me a little longer. Forever, maybe. It's wishful thinking, I know. But being with you feels like coming home. I hope you know how much you mean to me. I hope today reminds you how much you matter. Happy birthday, Yuu-chan!

How could he fit years of missing someone into a few lines? It was impossible. But this was a start. Since they had reunited, Mika hadn't bothered to dredge up the past in order to shape their potential future. But he still harbored that small fear, wondering what his last word to Yuu would be if he decided to vanish again. If there came a day when Yuu wouldn't pick up his calls, Mika wanted him to know that he would be taking his heart wherever he went. [ Desiderium verse c: ]

It never got easier to keep Mika at arms length. Especially not recently with the two of them bonding again and getting even emotionally closer than when they were kids. He wanted to tell him everything, about his life until now, about where he lived, all of it. While another part of him didn't want to let him in too much closer and wanted to maintain the symbolic distance between them.

Necessity deemed it imperative to keep that distance, but that didn't mean he had to like it. And he didn't, not completely anyway. But then, Mika had always been skilled about breaking down the walls of others hearts. And all without them really even knowing until the walls were nothing but dust at their feet.

While Yuu hadn't been hostile toward the blond at any point in his life, even as a kid he still tried to keep him out of the ugliness that was his home life and the abuse he endured. Only for the blond to find out anyway and try to save him which was exactly why he kept him at arms length now. And tried to keep his walls up to some degree.

If grown up Mika was the same as his childhood self, he'd get through those walls if Yuu wasn't careful. He just had a way of disarming a person. Like now when he was offered a delicious looking cake and a card. On a day, whose significance had been lost to him.

"Huh..?" he answered, blinking as he frowned and went into thought. "Oh.. Yeah, I guess that is today.. But you didn't have to get me anything.." he added even as he accepted the cake.

Even Mika's request not open the gift that was in the envelop had him suspicious enough to arch a brow at the taller male. What was in there that he didn't want him to see until he got home? A tracker? No, Mika wasn't that conniving. He respected his wishes to keep some distance between them even though he could see it hurt them both to do.

But since he was given the okay to read the card and - going by Mika's body language - he wanted him to read it, he saw no reason not to.

Only, he wasn't prepared for what he read inside and stiffened as he read it, then re-read it three times. That was further confirmation to him that this adult Mika was indeed the same boy from back then. He could feel the walls around his heart weakening and sighed as he lowered the card.

"I wish I could give you a promise, I won't disappear again.." he answered softly at last. "But I can't.. And I can't tell you why. Its safer if you don't know."

And there, right there, he'd said more than he meant to. What he just said heavily implied he was in some kind of trouble or danger. He hadn't even wanted to reveal that much. But it was just as he thought earlier, Mika had a way of getting in and people didn't realize until they were already too open to close off again.

@museguided

[secondtrumphet]

Desiderium Yuu: When you look at Mika now, do you still see the same person you knew back then? Is there still a place for him in your life?

He had to think long and hard on that one and folded his arms as his eyes closed and he thought back. In some ways, he knew Mika was the same now as he was then. He remembered the genuine relief and happiness that shone through at him from his eyes. Eyes that always reminded him of a cloudless summer sky. There was genuine relief and happiness at seeing him again, recognizing him almost instantly despite his disheveled and dirty state of being.

Then before his eyes, those eyes had a shadow enter them and a hardness that hadn't been there before. Resentment maybe? Fear he'd vanish again? He couldn't blame him for either one, after all he had disappeared from his life twice. The first time had only been a few weeks before Mika found him. The second had been years. Both times without warning. And he saw that anger and anxiety one other time, years ago when he was found by the blond in that abandoned school. It was deeper this time, stronger.

He had his answer as he opened his eyes again, though his defensive posture didn't change. He was still tense and had his arms folded over his chest so tight it was as if he was guarding himself from a physical attack.

"I think that happy boy he used to be is still there, but overshadowed by who he is now," he admitted with a frown, knowing it was likely all his fault. Or at least partially his fault.

As for if Mika still had a place in his life.. He wasn't sure. He definitely still did in his heart. He was his first friend, had attempted to save him, though there wasn't much he could do then as a kid himself. Yuu understood that, perfectly. He never held that against him, Mika did what he could and was powerless to stop him from being taken back by his dad all those years ago.

Seeing the way Mika regarded him when they reunited again though.. He wasn't sure if the other man even wanted to be part of his life anymore. Which he couldn't blame him for in the least. And even if he did.. Yuu wasn't sure he wanted to let him back in. Not because of anything Mika had done. Because of what Yuu had done to survive all of this time. He had enemies now, more than just his father.

He had no doubt that the same Mika as before would show himself if he told him. He had no doubt he'd volunteer to help him, without hesitation at that. But that was exactly the problem.. These people were dangerous.. And they weren't above using people's loved ones against an enemy.. He had seen it first hand. It was better to keep their distance.

"What I want and what I can do are two different things.." he finally added, frown deepening. "I'm more messed up than ever and I refuse to drag anyone down with me. Least of all him."

Its better this way..

[secondtrumphet]

Desiderium Yuu: Do you think about everyone you left behind? Was there a moment when you thought about coming back?

"What kind of question is that? Do you think I'm-" Do you think I'm heartless..

It was on the tip of his tongue, but didn't quite make it out in the open. It probably did seem that way actually. Especially to a group of orphans who had all been betrayed or abandoned by their families. Someone they brought into their fold, treated like another member of their chosen family seemingly vanishing off the face of the Earth. How could they not think he abandoned them..? Especially when his dad seemed so different to how he actually was.

That was what stilled the hostile, defensive response. Remembering those bright faces that greeted him with a smile. Remembering the enthusiastic hugs from some of the smaller kids. Remembering the blond who first befriended him and encouraged the other kids to do the same. The blond who introduced him and showed him what family should be, the one who opened his eyes to the fact he was being abused and how he lived wasn't normal.

"Of course I missed them.. I still do.." he admitted with a heavy sigh. Then, sheepishly a hand moved up to rub at the back of his neck, a nervous tick he'd picked up as he grew up.

"Actually.. I did go back.. A few times.. Just to make sure they were all still doing okay. With my dad still going to clean there, I had to be sure. I made sure to keep out of sight and stopped going back when the kids were adopted. The last time I went, I saw Mika leaving with his new parents."

And what a relief that had been! To know Mika had parents again, yes, but more so to know his dad couldn't touch him even if he wanted to. Oh how he'd been tempted before then to show up, to show them he was still okay if nothing else. But he had been so scared that his dad would see something on their faces that showed they'd seen him. And if not that, then cause them relief, yes, but also cause just as much anxiety to know he was surviving on the unforgiving streets. Not to mention his own anxiety that they would want to run away with him. From what he saw, they were all loyal to their chosen family to a fault and he wouldn't put it past them to follow even if he told them no.