11month! 2 days
I am sitting here thinking about this time last year. Kālī, you were in my belly not due out until early Feb 2014. I remember having a good October because I was able to enjoy being pregnant with you and start to eat (although I was constantly worried about gaining too much) morning sickness lasted forever!!!!! But in November I began getting chest pains. Little did your daddy and I know these pains would lead you to fight for your life. I remember hearing you cry for the first time and I cried it was a sigh of relief then a cry because although you were early your lungs were "well" enough to let out your first of many belts. I remember wanting your dad to cut your umbilical cord but I also understood why he didn't want to. After all I was gutted on a surgical table. I hated that I couldn't kiss you or hold you right away but the drugs numbed the need/want/instinct very well. I remember looking at you as they took you to get cleaned up and you did look blue. You looked unresponsive your mouth wasn't open yelling for a more comforting touch then steal medical hands. I remember saying in my head what's wrong with her? But I couldn't say this out loud!!! These are drs and nurses here, they surely know what they are doing. My gut instincts were right I suppose. I will never know what happened in the x amount of hours the drugs had me away from you. Those must have been mighty strong for me not to worry where my early newborn was. I think my brain thought you were at day care, you couldn't be fighting for your life the Dr said you would be fine just small. But nursing you for these 11 months makes me regret the first hours of your life. Why didn't I ask for you more. Why didn't dad? Why didn't I demand to hold you before you went to the Nicu?! Seeing you laying sprawled out in the isolet had me once again speak in my head. Why isn't she cuddled up?! Someone grab her and hold her she's cold!!!! But the drs know best my head told my heart. Watching your chest struggle for air had to be the most painful thing to see as a new mother. The incubator they transported you in looked so big and scary. You were intubated and this lady was telling me and your daddy what to expect in the coming hours and I just looked at you. God you were so beautiful! All 3lbs 11ozs of you I loved you so much and I knew you were a strong gal. 4 rounds of steroids later. You are the best of your daddy and me put together. Being a preemie is your story, its apart of you forever and may follow into your pregnancies when you are older. And this I know you can get through because you thought yourself how to suck and breathe the most valuable act to get the leave the Nicu. You thought yourself Kālī