Grazing the Edges 4
Trigger warning; suicidal ideation, near suicide attempt, thoughts of self-harm.
I had a plan. I packed a bag and was set. I knew my goodbyes and knew my destination. My partner calls and calls but I decline and decline. Eventually I call her scared and she had tripped running to my house trying to stop me. Trying to save me.
I bring everything with me and walk to where she said she was, our park. I see her laying in the grass in tears. She can barely move her leg. I said “babe what can I do to help?” softly. She responds with tears running down her face “get home safely”.
Slowly but surely we get her up and I walk her to the house and back to her bed. Safe and sound for her. She cannot stop crying both about her leg and about me. I hate that I hurt her but I feel she has no idea how much I struggle internally on a daily basis. I cry myself to sleep most nights.
We talk quietly about what was going to happen which was mostly tears. What I remember mostly was when I finally got her to get to sleep (which wasn’t easy by the way) a wave of suicidal thoughts flooded my mind. I was shaking and near tears. I was hard to wake her up but when I did she comforted me with her warm embrace. I just kept saying that I wanted to fucking die and how I wanted to burn and cut myself up. It was not a pretty site to see.
She eventually invites me back into the bed as I was sleeping on the floor so I wouldn’t hurt her leg further. My backpack is locked in another room and I’m shaking. It’s too far from my person. I’m near from having an panic attack over it. I begin to shake. My breath is shallow and shaky. She tells me to breathe slow but I can’t. I just want to jump off a cliff.
We wake up this morning and I’m not as bad as last night but I’m currently still in “self-harm mode” as I put it. Maybe I need to seek help again.
