Came to a realization last night. Lots of memories coming forward and really clearing up... I know it's still going to be a struggle with Mr. B but I don't know how we can truly doubt ourself anymore. Throughout childhood, teenage years, early adulthood up until now. The signs have always been there. Obvious signs. But now we understand. The constant struggle with identity, not even talking about being NB or transgender, the many upon many "nicknames"! We remember one of our old abusers making fun of us for that actually. When we lived with him we even took part in the joke by putting up signs with whatever name we were that day on our bedroom door so people knew. So. Fucking. Obvious. The constant struggle with, "Is this how I act? Is this how I talk?" People repeatedly saying, "This isn't you! Why are you acting like this?!" or when one day our sister said to us, "It's like you're putting on a performance, like you're in a movie or something." Then one of us responding with, "Oh really? Well thanks for the compliment." Then smiled weirdly. And she was clearly uncomfortable and said, "I didn't mean it as a compliment." The constant change in how we dressed, tomboy to girly girl, to goth etc. Different ways in behavior like being a mother or a brother or a tough guy or a scared child. The fact that a therapist told us that when we were 13 we had the maturity of a 16 year old. People never guessing our age correctly. When we were younger people always guessed way older or younger. Now people just assume younger because we got "stunted". The constant conversations out loud while being completely alone. Afraid someone might catch us doing that and make fun of us for it. We used to write A LOT. Poetry, journaling and stories. We've read them over time and time again over the years and who ever was fronting would say, "I wrote this?" And legitimately be impressed by the writing but have no memory of it. Not only no memory of writing it but the thought process, the reason why, was just beyond us. Always getting into trouble in school, made fun of by teachers for "daydreaming too much". Btw if you're a teacher who makes fun of a student, especially a child, in front of the class, fuck you! That shit only encouraged the bullying we already had to endure. I know we've mentioned this before but the PAIN!!! The regular chest and stomach pain! The UTI's! The undiagnosed chronic migraines with aura! The struggle to breathe from chronic allergies! We! Were! Ignored! And made to suffer! And even made fun of and out right harassed by family members because of it! The constant need to be off on our own to suffer in silence... There are more obvious signs we're sure of it. Last night Donatello was fully waking up and getting REALLY UPSET about the neglect. That we were made to suffer for no good reason at all. We. Didn't. Ask. For. Any. Of. It. So we will continue to heal and cope in whatever way we choose. It has been always just us that has taken care of us. So fuck the people who want us to merge or integrate. We mean EVERYTHING to each other.
