So many takes have come across regarding the “holding grudges / poison” conversation between Jester and Beauregard. Adding my take to the pile seems like adding to the noise. But what I’ve missed so far in these discussions is the actions that Jester took towards Beauregard. Let me explain.
There was a tremendous tension in that room, I certainly felt it behind a laptop screen, I can’t even imagine how stiffening that tension must’ve felt like in the studio.
I’m familiar (like it seems, many in this community) with people/family implying all kind of ugly things while on the surface it appears like a ‘civil’ enough conversation. The conversation between Beau and Thoreau went nowhere. Beau couldn’t get out words, she was metaphorically held by the throat and with one off-remark, even the slightest suggestion, either Thoreau or Beau would’ve snapped and things would’ve gotten real ugly.
But here’s the twist that I’ve come to understand regarding my own baggage: neither person is going to snap. That’s the trap of it all. It’s like walking on a minefield, doing everything you can to avoid an explosion. “But I swear, if the other person does one misstep, I’ll be the one exploding! I’m not making that step, they have to do it!” And it never happens, so that tension remains.
And I saw that exact intricate and nauseating back and forth between Beau and Thoreau. They were dancing around each other, because they were communicating on different levels. That’s the whole thing. There would never come a satisfying conclusion to this conversation - Beau would probably either implode or explode if this would’ve gone on any longer.
So what does Jester do in this incredibly tense situation that is literally going nowhere? She defuses the tension by removing Beauregard from the conversation. Not to berate her or tell her her dad isn’t “as bad”, but to let Beau take a goddamn breath and give her the distance from her father she needs in this moment.
We can turn over every syllable that Jester says in that moment, but these moments go both so incredibly fast and so excruciatingly slow, that nobody will ever say the perfect thing. The only reason we can even do that is because this is all recorded. Most memories aren’t that good. Words slip, sentences get reconstructed. It’s what memories do.
What this little sidebar does - the action Jester takes - is remove Beau a bit from the situation, giving her the distance she needs. And what do you know? When Beau returns to the table, actual words manage to come out of her. Really good ones, might I add. About how much work and effort Beau has put into the past months of becoming a better person, of healing her old wounds. And how little she sees that being returned to her from her parents (which is true).
And to come back for just a bit to what was spoken by Jester. The exact quote is: “There is not a lot to be gained from holding grudges. Y’know? It feels like poison inside of you.” To me, the key word is ‘gain’. Because, nowhere does Jester even insinuate Beau should “forgive” her father. Just that if Beau keeps holding on to that inflicted pain, it can damage her real bad, and what she should do is heal from that pain instead.
Forgiveness is only insinuated because Beau asks how Jester forgave her father so quickly. But holding a grudge and forgiving are two different things. Hell, forgiving itself can be situational. As someone who had to step back from an emotionally abusive household more than 7 years ago, only now am I able to give this a place, and letting go of some grudges I’ve held for over 7 years.
And if you’re not in that place right now, I understand. I’ve been there too. But please understand that sometimes, letting go of a grudge is saying: “I understand now that your presence in my life is toxic to me. I wish all the mistakes you’ve done to me, will help you better navigate your future relationships. But this right here, our relationship, is too broken, too damaged, too mistrusting, to ever build up again.”
That’s at least how I (perhaps generously) interpreted the “poison” Jester mentioned. How can you heal, if that poison is still in your body? If your abusers are living rent-free in your own brain? Give yourself a breath. Remove yourself from the situation and give yourself time to reflect, and heal.
That’s what I saw in Jester’s actions: support, reassurance, understanding. Not once, not twice, but three times:
Before they went into the estate, telling Beau “whatever happens [your father] was an asshole” - not giving him an out-of-jail free ticket. Reassuring her that “Fuck ‘em. You got us. And we love you so much.”
Secondly, when Thoreau comes in and accuses Beau immediately, to which Beau rolls her water-y eyes and barely gets a word out. Jester lays a hand on Beau’s back and checks in, asking if Beau still wants them to stay, now that she’s come face to face with Thoreau. When Beau answers with ‘please’, Jester stays.
And then finally, Jester manages to step in and defuses that incredibly tense conversation, after which Beau manages to get out the words she wanted to get out all along and they manage to leave the estate in what is possibly one of the better outcomes of what could’ve happened.
I definitely think Jester made the right action, even if her words might not have perfectly fit the situation, as words tend to be.
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Oh, and as a closing note: opening the can of worms how Jester wants everything to be perfect (like holding on the hope that her parents will get back together) is a whoooole different conversation, that I wouldn’t even be able to describe in a 25k thesis, and I’d much rather see played out through roleplaying anyway. In Laura Bailey we trust.
