Eddie Nketiah of Arsenal during a training session at London Colney on September 30, 2020 in St Albans, England. (Photo by Stuart MacFarlane/Arsenal FC via Getty Images)
It's pretty long, i know. I just needed to write it down.
She first started with asking how i experienced the period after the intake. Which wasn't great, we all know that. Anyway, i minimized it and she said that most people feel like they shouldn't have told the stuff they told and asked if i felt the same way. I basically was like YESSS so she gave me the advice to not listen to my intuition. Which is really difficult but it makes sense. Because after the whole proces i'll be happy that i told it. She compared it with going to the dentist, which was a good comparison.
So she started by reassuring me and said that she will sometimes advice things. Which isn't allowed apparently? But she'll still do it lol. It's fine. Getting advice is fine.
It's good that she gave me the space and time to say whatever i wanted about the whole s* abuse thing. Like, literally the most open question ever: 'say whatever you want to about it'. Anyway, i said some vague context things, on which she asked some questions. Then she asked how old i was when it happened. So i told her from 13 until 17 years old. Her response? 'that long?'. Like, yes thanks for reminding me that it's a long freaking period of time!! She said that he knew perfectly what he was doing if it's been for so long. That hit me like a bomb 💣. I thought he didn't know or that it was something innocent. Or at least that's what i kept telling myself...
Now, idk exactly what i told about the whole thing on here, but i'm starting to guess that there'll be new information in these kinda posts. It's fine, writing it down helps me process the conversion, so that's good. That's why i do this.
She asked if it happened multiple times. Which i guess is true. It's confusing. I have suspicions that more happened than i remember. There are things that i know happened but there are also things that i don't know.. I mean, you can't be 100% sure if you're asleep... I do have big suspicion that more happened. And i'm quite certain about that. And there were multiple times when he could have done stuff.
She asked if i expected this from him. Which i did not. At all. I've known him since i was a baby, i trusted him for the full 100%. I guess that's the reason that i didn't believe it, or didn't want to believe.
And if i think that he was in love with me. Like, i don't know??? I said no, but now i'm doubting that answer. Okay, hear me out. I always thought: we never kissed, so that means there was no love. Because love = kissing and affection. And that's on what i based my answer to her. Idk if that makes sense or not. But that's how i think. But on the other hand, he asked about my love life multiple times and idk, with that question in mind some messages could been read differently? So now i don't know if the answer is just a straight no.
I told her about the messages he sent. And that he always said to delete the conversation (which i never did btw, little rebel). So she was like ''he knew it was wrong''. Like, with certainty. I guess he knew? I'm not that sure? Again, probably just lying to myself but i just need to believe that he didn't know what he was doing... I said that i kept the messages but that i probably shouldn't have done that. It's just that i can read them back, when i minimize things so i know it's not nothing. Bc sometimes i start to think that it's nothing and that it's normal. And at that point she interrupted me?? Just like that: ''No. *pause* if you don't want that and he does it, then that's not ok.''. Hit me again like a bomb 💣. Not gonna lie. But apparently it's good that i realize that i minimize things.
I told her that i don't know if he knows that it was wrong. And she just strongly denied that thought. Because apparently every person that did this sort of thing knows perfectly what that person did. She doesn't believe that he didn't know. Especially bc i had to delete the messages. Yes, BOOM again. 🤯💣
She asked what i think that happened, from the messages. I was able to situate it in time, but that's it. She asked what i remember from a certain moment. I literally just sat there for what felt like an eternity and could only shake my head to her. I just felt the fog growing inside of my head and looked (i guess) pretty helpless towards her. Like, don't ask me that, i'm not gonna answer. Ask sth else.
She asked some other context things. She said that sometimes, the loss of trust can be a bigger issue than the fact that everything happened. But she can't make the decision for me about what weighs more on me. Yes, i trusted him, but the feelings coming from what happened are def a bigger issue. Idk if i told her that actually.
And also what i think would happen if it got out, if people would know. And how my parents would react. Welll, if you want to get me stressed, ask exactly that...
I told her that i realized it way later. And mentioned the serie. On which she asked if it would help to talk about it if she watched the serie. Well, i'm gonna think about that, because it's double. Yes and no. It would help bc she would already know a bit more. But also not, because she would know about it... Get it?
She asked what would be the ideal scenario for me to feel better. Like idkkk?? I just don't want to have so many consequences from it. Like: sleeping, how i think about myself, trust. I def skipped some things like thinking about sc, panic attacks, blur in my head, inner child and more. I told her about the fact that i can't and don't want to sleep (so that i basically don't sleep much). And about the nightmares. I told her that i think pretty bad (see the minimization here? Lol) about myself. Like, in every way of the word. Ofc she asked for details. I eventually told her that i have some issues with food and that i hurt myself, from time to time. Well, she guessed the second thing, it was kinda difficult to tell. I did tell her that it got worse since i started doing that.. She explained how it comes bc she felt that i struggle with it. And she asked a bit about my eating, but haha minimizinggg. She said it's better to go to the essence of things (like the s* abuse thing) unless it's really problematic. I was like NOOO IT'S FINEEE. But she remembered that i minimize a lot and yeaa lmaooo she didn't exactly believe that. So i told her about the online program, which comforted her a bit i guess.
And... SAVED BY THE BELL. And she said once again that we have a lot to talk about. Like, again??? Although i think she's gonna start with what we ended now, next time. Lucky me.
I actually told her a lot i guess. Which isn't bad i guess. It just feels weird to tell and share stuff but i guess i have to keep the bigger picture in mind.
