May 1, 2015
5 positive things
Got some reading done
The show had its opening tonight and all of my hair hasn’t turned grey
The 1st performance actually went really well
My outfit tonight was nice
Watched last nights episode of @midnight
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Jamaica
seen from Bulgaria
seen from Nepal
seen from Philippines
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from Russia
seen from Ukraine
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from China
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from Paraguay
5 positive things
Got some reading done
The show had its opening tonight and all of my hair hasn’t turned grey
The 1st performance actually went really well
My outfit tonight was nice
Watched last nights episode of @midnight
Honestly, it's been a really shitty week. Tomorrow promises to be better, and I'll be damned if I don't do everything in my power to make it so. All week I've been struggling with worthlessness and feeling like I'm a burden to everyone, especially Jared. I try so hard to give him everything he could ever want and more but I never feel like I do enough. I have no idea how to change that, but it's kinda getting better. Because I feel like I constantly don't do enough for him, I don't feel like I have any right to ask anything of him. I just need to work my ass off to do everything I possibly can while getting nothing in return. And yeah, we cuddle and kiss and watch movies, but everything is always about him. What we eat is always about him. What we do is always about him. Where we go and when we go is always about him. Sex is always about him. For the most part, he tries to ask me what I want, but I always tell him that I want whatever he wants. And in 98% of cases, that's true... the only time it isn't is the one time he doesn't ask, and that's with sex. And it isn't his fault. The entirety of our relationship, I've drilled it into his head that sex is all about him. I need my after care stuff but the rest is all about him. And for the most part it is, but, I guess, since I've done that, I feel neglected. It's a lot of to do with where my him-specific disgust with myself comes from, it's where a lot of my freaking out about sex comes from, and it's worse that I can't tell him. I can't tell him to ignore me and just focus on me sometimes. I can't tell him that I want him to kiss me all over and show me that he loves every inch of me. I can't tell him that I want anything to every be all about me because I hate myself so goddamn much and I don't understand how anyone could ever look at me the way I look at Jared. I love him all over. I do my best to kiss him all over all the time because I want to show him how much I love him. He's the best thing to ever happen to me and I can't imagine my life without him, but I also can't imagine him ever wanting anything to do with me that doesn't involve him getting what he wants...
Lmao idk if it's my birth control making me feel hella depressed or I'm just fucking soft but it's really annoying and you just get fed up with everything you explode.
ITS SO FUCKING ANNOYING HEARING NEGATIVE SHIT ABOUT HOW MY LIFE IS. LIKE YOU DONT FUCKING LIVE IN MY BODY AND YOU DONT LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME. YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO OR WHAT MY FUTURE IS GOING TO BE LIKE SO SHUT THE FUCK UP I SWEAR SOME PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT OTHERS MORE THAN THEMSELVES. WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN!!!!!!!!!
This happened yesterday but what you said to me was so fucking rude. I don't care what our relationship is or how close we are it doesn't give you the right to say that kind of shit to me. I don't go and say that to you so why would you even say that to me? Get the fuck out of here with your negative comments and don't fucking tell me how my life is going to be like
So fucking tired of hearing that kind of shit being said to me.
I don't know what's worse than being put down when you're trying to do your best and pick yourself back up again and all that's being said to you is some stupid shit that just makes you not even wanna try anymore.
okay so my ex scorpio calls me after me not answering his texts and i have to put on my small voice and make sure he thinks something is wrong and he goes on and on about how sorry he is and stuff like that and im like it okay blah blah blah and then he says why dont we just not do that again? and i am like okay and he is like but i still really want to be friends with you and i am like okay and he is like is that okay and i am like yeah and he is like im sorry blah blah blah and he goes on and he is like please i still want to be friends with you because we have really good conversations and you give me really good advice and i like talking to you. and i was like okay and then i am like okay and he is like i am sorry and im like its okay. and he is like really fast in saying this part “i still love you even if you dont want it.” and it made me laugh because it was cute of him to say. because the only reason why i still talk to him is because i still really care for him but i dont say anything in response other than a small laugh and “okay” and he goes, “im serious, i do. i have. i really care for you.” and he goes on about it and i was like wow. maybe he does and it’s like i know i can be horrible to him and he be horrble to me because we do mess with eachother in different ways, we still care for eachother. not in a romantic sense anymore at least. i dont know if we ever liked eachother in a romantic sense before to be honest. but a friendly way. and thats all ive wanted him to say sense i got with the boy that i fell in love with a little over a year ago. that he still cares for me as a friend and still loves me as a friend. made me feel good. but i didn’t reveal that to him of course. so anyway today was a good day i say.