Oct 23, 2023
brother i am so tired
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brother i am so tired
real loneliness is not having the slightest clue what an emotion feels like.
and which ones you’re suppose to have when a certain situation happens. a state of mind. not knowing if you’re suppose to be sad. or relieved. or scared. and so on. and you jus remain confused.
no clue how to figure it all out.
وَإِذَا مَرِضْتُ فَهُوَ يَشْفِينِ .
صوت المطر.💙😍
Let the dangle and the writhe see what it is missing; let the pain sing to the dirt where he stepped in the place where he used to be and might be still. I am not going to be healed, or to find the arm that was removed from me. I am going to freshen the pain, point it, so we both know what it is for. And no, I am not angry. I don't need the arm. But I do need to know what it could have been like to have had it. It's a phantom I have to behold and be held by, in whatever crevices it lies, under whatever branch. Or maybe it stalks treeless and open places, lit with an oily sun. This part of me that does not know me, has never touched me or lingered at my side. This gone-away hand that never helped me over the stile, or guided me past the dragons, pulled me up from the ditch in to which I stumbled. Stroked my hair, fed me food; took the far end of the load to make it easier for me to carry. This arm that never hold itself out, extended from my body, to give me balance as I walked thin rails or logs, round and slippery with danger. When I find it, will it wave to me? Gesture, beckon to me to come along? Or will it even know who or what I am? It doesn't matter. I will locate it so the severed part can remember the snatch, the slice of disfigurement. Perhaps then the arm will no longer be a phantom, but will take its own shape, grow its own muscle and bone, and its blood will pump from the loud singing that has found the purpose of its serenade.
Toni Morrison [Jazz]
literally whyyyy did i agree to come in an hour earlier today why. at least tmrw will feel like sleeping in (<- has to get up at 6 instead of 5 tmrw)
bro i can't do this whole being awake thing rn
how am i supposed to do 2 more days of waking up at this time PLUS 4 days next week 😭