Jul 11, 2019
WELL ITS ABOUT GODDAMN TIME, FUCKFACE, IVE ONLY WAITED FOR YOU A WEEK OVERTIME
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WELL ITS ABOUT GODDAMN TIME, FUCKFACE, IVE ONLY WAITED FOR YOU A WEEK OVERTIME
Bro I feel ugly asf bc Im so heavy
I weigh like 190 lbs and Im so ashamed
I feel so unattractive
There's some girls that look so cute and sexy being thick and while my body is tolerable I can't stand how round my face is
I have kind of mature features and it clashes with my round face and I HATE IT. My features look much better when I'm sk7nny, they look sharp, they look modelesque. My self esteem was so much better when I was th7n I swear bro, I only had bodydymorphia but not body low self esteem
I need to 34t l3ss
Entry #55: August 16th, 2019 (7:01pm)
So I'm going to see a horror movie tonight. I won't name it cause I don't want this post to be in it's tags. Basically my brother found out I'm going and lost his mind when I told him I'm going alone and didn't want him to come along. Firstly, I made these plans a couple days ago. I let my parents know the movie, the date, the time, and made sure they were okay with me using the car. I worked around their schedule. They were fine with it. Then, literally like a few hours before the movie, my brother finds out and before anything else he just says he's coming. He doesn't ask he just insists. I told him no, im going alone. Then he starts throwing this huge fit, saying I'm going to see the movie to spite him. Like really? Everyone knows I love horror movies and they're so much scarier when you go alone. Also it's not like it's the only day it's playing. He can go literally any other day. He's just complaining cause for once he's not getting what he wants. He always does this.
Also, my mom says it would be a "bonding experience". She just wants me to get him away from her. I'm not my brother's keeper. If she doesn't want to handle him just tell him to leave you alone. It's not hard. All he does is talk, talk, talk. Like when mom and I just got home yesterday from her dental appointment. She says to me while unloading groceries into the kitchen, and keep in mind Nick is standing there too, "I have a massive headache". But yet the moment we get home he immediately starts yapping. Like just shut the hell up. No one wants to here you blab about your stupidness.
Anywho, if I'm gonna make the movie, I gotta get going. It just pisses me off when he acts like this. I don't care if he has BPD. He knows exactly how to manage it and we've all seen him do it. There is literally no excuse for him to be acting like this.
I will always choose you
Can I reserve Seth for J?
You may! He is reserved for 24 hours!
Entry #18: August 1st, 2018 (7:01pm)
Its been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been depressed out of my mind. I feel as though there are two people within me fighting over my body. I don’t know what’s going on. Anyways, I have a close friend’s birthday coming up and we’re supposed to go out to dinner next tuesday. He means a lot to me. He and another close friend basically saved my life last summer. I could have died due to over drinking. But since then I have been drinking more and it’s not good. Every time I drink well past my limit I feel sick, but at the same time I feel like I’m on a high. Once I get to a drunk point, my subconcious basically takes over and I drink more and more with a dumb smile on my face. It’s like my subconcious really knows what’s going on and that even it wants to die. When I’m on that high from the alcohol it feels as though that it’s finally going to happen; i’m going to drink myself to death and finally rest in piece. But anyways, I’m side tracking. My friend’s birthday dinner is next week and I want to go to support him. He’s been nothing but good to me and I definitely don;t deserve him as a companion, let alone a close friend. What I’m worried about is seeing my ex best friend there. It’s been a few weeks since she just stopped being a friend and stopped talking to me. But, knowing her, if I even know her at all anymore, she’s going to pretend like nothing happened. But if she tries that fake bullshit I’m going to flip. Im scared to see her there because it might make me ruin the dinner for my close friend. He doesn’t deserve anything bad to happen to him or to be hurt in any way and I’m afraid I might just end up doing that because of her. But if I don’t go, he’ll be hurt too. But I don;t think I can just fake a smile anymore. I’m just so done with this bullshit life of mine. Nothing good has ever come from it and nothing ever will. All I’m gonna do is hurt others around me and I don’t want that. I just wish this could all be over...
My thoughts:
A part of me is missing, and I can't find it, and i know it's missing because I miss it
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