for @whirlwindamell
he thinks this is the most TIRED he ever has been. he is no STRANGER to violence -- he’s been FIGHTING his OWN demons for years now, his flesh is marred by the SCARS of his past. the EXHAUSTION in his bones is an old, FAMILIAR friend. he’s long-since forgotten what a decent night’s sleep feels like. but he feels close to COLLAPSE, the worry for the men at his COMMAND sapping his energy and the GRIEF he feels for those they’ve lost damn near finishing him off.
he has yet to pen the letters to the families of the FALLEN, a reminder that further SOURS his mood ever-further and he SCOWLS at the other wayward souls wandering the streets of haven at this hour as he winds his way to the chantry.
he should not be so visibly rankled.
but he cannot help the BLAME that’s worked its way between his shoulder blades, driving its point HOME with every breath he takes that someone like HIM has survived this complete and utter horror, and not those with families. with wives. with lives far more DESERVING than his own.
it’s a thought that makes his stomach TURN. none of his men should have suffered like they did. none of them should have EVER faced the atrocities they had. he’s faced it once, twice before, and it is not something he’d wish even on his worst enemy.
he lets out a SNARL as he sinks to his knees before the effigy of the maker’s bride, angry and feral and HURTING, far-removed from the prying eyes of the other souls who must also bear the BURDEN of surviving. he’s no STRANGER to death -- every soldier is intimately acquainted with their own mortality. he KNOWS his responsibility to his men -- to prepare them as best as he can for the inevitable.
that does not mean he does not blame himself in the quiet hours of the morning when there’s no-one privy to his GUILT.
‘blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and wicked and do not falter. blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just. blessed are the righteous, the lights in the shadow. in their blood, the maker’s will is written,’ he breathes, tilting his face up to the bride of his god as he prays. for peace, for his men, for his own ABSOLUTION.














