#@fallontonight

[jadorelalisa]

LISA | LALISA STAGE: The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon ►

[sweetzerlandia]

This is actually really important.

The whole “A house divided can not stand” - idea is true af.  We may not agree on everything but remember we do agree on SOME things and it’s important to remember whether we agree or disagree to treat each other well.

[immigrationnewsdigest]

(via Jimmy Fallon's Trump makes his Supreme Court pick a conveniently distracting game show)

The U.S. enters fall with 200,000 COVID-19 deaths, and despite President Trump's "historic shanking of the coronavirus response, yesterday in Ohio, our pumpkin spice POTUS put a positive spin on things," claiming "it affects virtually nobody," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. In fact, "the coronavirus has now killed more Americans than the U.S. battle deaths from the last five wars combined," he said, deadpanning to his masked crew and non-existent live audience that "personally, I haven't been affected at all."

"Well, I think he's officially done 'up-playing' the virus," Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. "Trump said the virus 'affects virtually nobody,' then somebody in the front row sneezed and Trump hit the floor like he dropped his remote. After Trump made that comment, doctors and nurses wanted to respond, but they're currently in the middle of a 4,000-hour shift."

Meanwhile, before Trump has even chosen his Supreme Court nominee, "51 out of 53 Republicans are now on board, while the other two stick out like masks at a MAGA rally," he said. "I still can't believe we're letting Trump make that choice. He's terrible at hiring people. Everyone he's ever hired is either fired, in prison, or in Steve Bannon's case, almost both."

"We are only 42 days away from Donald Trump refusing to accept the results of an election," but he did win "the support of his least-favorite senator, Mitt Romney," for his Supreme Court push, Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "I wonder if the reason why they're doing this — why they're revealing themselves to be utter hypocrites — has occurred to Donald Trump. If Republicans thought he was gonna win, they'd just wait."

"Democrats still held a shred of hope that they could persuade four moderate GOP senators to show some integrity and stick to their principles — and that hope lasted almost a full day and a half," Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "Even Mitt Romney — the dad you ask when your other Republican dads say no — is going along with Mitch McConnell's plan." The Pentagon, meanwhile, spent $1 billion earmarked for COVID-19 equipment production on ship and fighter jet parts. "Why does the U.S. need more fighter jets?" he asked. "Coronavirus has killed way more Americans than any terrorist group. I bet right now ISIS is looking at COVID like, 'Damn, I know we said death to America, but you guys are extreme.'" Peter Weber

[immigrationnewsdigest]

(via Late night hosts mourn Ruth Bader Ginsburg, flag the GOP's 'absolute typhoon of hypocrisy' in replacing her)

"I like to think I can take a lot of punishment," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "But damn — damn! — 2020 is a relentless opponent." It was already "a dark, dirty road" to Election Day, "but on Friday it got so much worse, because our country said goodbye to a hero, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg," he said. "Ginsburg was known for her tenacity," wisdom, and fierce commitment to equality for women and all Americans.

"But Americans didn't get any time to mourn this great justice, because less than two hours after we learned of Ginsburg's death," Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) vowed to quickly confirm President Trump's pick to succeed her, Colbert said. "Apparently, since 2016, McConnell's had a change of heart — or whatever squirming bag of scorpions occupies that dark cavity" — and he "isn't the only fragrant hypocrite" in the GOP. He showed a highlight reel.

"Sure, the Olympics were canceled this year, but at least we have the Republicans to show off some truly spectacular backflips" on replacing Ginsburg, Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. "Republicans are just constantly changing the rules as they go — it's like playing a board game with a toddler." And Trump is already "leading chants" and "selling 'Fill That Seat' T-shirts," he added. "Seriously, this election already felt like a tense Thanksgiving dinner, now it's like your uncle just rolled in straight from rehab."

"Trump is right" he has the votes to replace the Notorious RBG, Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "It's basically the 'When you're a star, they let you do it' but of judicial appointments." It's still crazy Trump "gets to name three justices who serve for life!" he marveled "This is the same guy who's had to fire everyone he's hired because of how bad he is at hiring people — for life! Trump can't even pick his own partner for life, but he gets to do it for America?"

Jimmy Kimmel noted on Kimmel Live that when Trump announced he's going to pick a woman, he made an hourglass shape with his hands. "Who does that? His mouth is always lying but his little hands tell the truth." He also highlighted the "absolute typhoon of hypocrisy" of McConnell and Co.

"Now, look, I get that highlighting their hypocrisy is mostly pointless," Late Night's Seth Meyers said, but the stakes couldn't be higher, and the dice are loaded: "Senate Republicans who represent 15 million fewer Americans than Senate Democrats are pulling out all the stops to help a sundowning fascist who lost the popular vote by 3 million" cram through "a conservative supermajority to help them cement minority rule for a generation." Watch below. Peter Weber

[immigrationnewsdigest]

(via Late night hosts compare Trump's 'heat ray' request to various supervillains, slam his blue state erasure)

President Trump said Wednesday that the U.S. coronavirus pandemic isn't that bad — if you remove the blue states. "You can't just not count certain states — that's like eating a salad for lunch, a cheeseburger for dinner, then saying, 'If you don't count the burger, I'm vegan," Jimmy Fallon said on Thursday's Tonight Show. "All this COVID stuff is so depressing, do we have any lighter Trump news?." He did, if you count "heat rays" as "light" and trying to use them on protesters not depressing. "A heat ray?" Fallon asked. "Who are his advisers? A bunch of Minions stacked on top of each other? Even Kim Jong Un was like, 'That's pretty messed up, dude.'"

The supervillains of the Legion of Doom thought so, too, in a Late Show spoof.

"Evidently, this heat ray is something the military actually has," and "it can make anyone in range feel like their skin is on fire," Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show. "So rest easy, America: The administration doesn't want turn weapons of war on American citizens, because this weapon is way too dangerous for war."

Colbert mocked Attorney General William Barr's comparison of coronavirus lockdown orders to slavery and shared Trump's horror (but not his disbelief) that a coronavirus vaccine won't be widely available until next summer. "I've learned how to make sourdough, I've watched everything on Netflix — all that's left is exercise, and you can't make me!" he said. Colbert also explained why Trump's forget-the-blue-states remarks were "unspeakably monstrous."

Trump's "comments aren't just embarrassing and unpatriotic and just gross, they're also wrong," Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "Because even if you made the very weird decision to not count deaths from all the blue states, America would still have one of the worst death rates of any country in the world." Michael Kosta suggested granting Trump his wish and making him president of only the red states, and, like Barr, he also had trouble with slavery analogies.

"Just this week we learned that women received unnecessary hysterectomies at an ICE detention facility, the attorney general called for demonstrators to be charged with sedition, and the White House wanted to use a heat ray on peaceful protesters to clear the way for a photo op," Seth Meyers recapped at Late Night. "I think at this point, even Q is an undecided voter." Watch below. Peter Weber

[immigrationnewsdigest]

(via @FallonTonight, @TheDailyShow and @LateNightSeth applaud the narrative perfection of Steve Bannon being arrested for a border wall scam)

Other than the Democratic National Convention wrapping up, "here's the big story today: Another one of President Trump's close associates got indicted," Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. "Yep, Steve Bannon was arrested and placed in the 'Trump's well-wishes' section of the prison. ... At this point, the White House softball team and the prison softball team have the exact same lineup."

"After the Aryan Brotherhood and Latin Kings, the largest prison gang in America might be the former Trump campaign officials," Trevor Noah joked at The Daily Show. "Everything about this story's insane," starting with Bannon being "arrested on a 150-foot yacht," by "investigators from the post office."

"But the best part of the story is why Bannon was arrested," Noah said. "He's accused of stealing money from people who thought they were donating to build Donald Trump's wall — because, you know, you wouldn't want any criminals sneaking into the country. And I'm honestly curious to see how this plays out. Because the people who got ripped off now hate Steve Bannon, right? But they obviously really love Donald Trump. But Trump loves Steve Bannon. So I feel like this whole thing's going to end with Trump getting those people to donate for Bannon's defense fund, but then Trump steals the money and moves to Mexico — which he can get to easily, because there's no wall."

"It's a Russian nesting doll of fraud — I can't wait until Bannon raises money for his legal defense fund and we find out he lost it all at the racetrack," Seth Meyers agreed at Late Night. "From the beginning, the wall was a nonstop scam. Trump scammed his supporters by telling them Mexico would pay for it, then we ended up paying for it," and now this.

"Seriously, think about how perfect this is," Meyers said: "The same public agency Trump is currently trying to destroy — one of the most cherished public institutions in America — arrested his former campaign manager for allegedly skimming money from a fundraiser for their scam border wall, two days after we found out Trump's previous campaign manager colluded with Russian intelligence. It's like the end of the summer TV season and they're wrapping up all the story arcs at once." And Meyers is here for it: "You know what, baby? It's been a brutal six months, so I'm gonna mainline some schadenfreude." Watch his final out-of-studio "closer look" below. Peter Weber

[immigrationnewsdigest]

"Yesterday was Day 2 of the Democratic National Convention," and some things really are better in this all-online format, like Rhode Island's calamari-centric roll call vote, Trevor Noah said on Wednesday's Daily Show. The night also had "speeches from Jill Biden, Bill Clinton, Colin Powell, and a quick appearance from AOC" that "a bunch of media outlets who should know better" ingenuously tried to paint as a Biden snub.

"The night's big moment was when Joe Biden officially became the Democratic nominee — and for reasons I don't understand, the DNC also made it the weirdest moment," Noah said. "What the hell was that? The music, the basement library, the cheap party decorations — I thought the Democrats had millions of dollars for this. Why did it feel like the grand opening of a used Kia dealership? Like, did they blow all their money on the calamari?"

"It looked like they swung by the party supply store an hour before and were, like, 'What can we get for $6?" James Corden agreed at The Late Late Show. He was curious why Rhode Island had "a character from Mortal Kombat holding" it's roll-call calamari, but he did find young Joe Biden quite "strapping" in the photo montages.

"There have been some memorable moments," including "the guy from Rhode Island apparently holding a plate of calamari hostage?" Seth Meyers said on Late Night. The DNC also featured "some of the party's most talented rising stars, so Fox News was desperate to counter-program it," as is Trump.

"While the Democrats have been laying out a case that Trump is grossly unfit for office, Trump has been focused on his top priority: Proving that he is grossly unfit for office," Stephen Colbert said at The Late Show. Trump embraced the adulation from the "insane right-wing conspiracy group called QAnon," and "also got mad at Goodyear, the tire people," calling for a boycott over its MAGA hat policy. "Goodyear is headquartered in Ohio, which is a 2020 swing state, and they employ roughly 63,000 people," he noted, so "go ahead, boycott one of the biggest employers in a swing state, and don't forget to boycott Iowa corn, Wisconsin cheese, and Florida meth gators."

The Goodyear blimp took the fight to Trump at The Late Show.

"Trump supporters were, like, 'That's it, I'm getting rid of my blimp! Cancel the Blimpers for Trump rally!'" Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. And "I actually feel bad for Biden — the guy's been in public office for 50 years, he finally wins the Democratic nomination, and then has to celebrate in the back of an abandoned library." He also really leaned into the calamari. Watch below. Peter Weber

[furryalligator]

(via Aaron Judge Asks Yankees Fans About Aaron Judge - YouTube)

Aaron Judge Asks Yankees Fans About Aaron Judge via @FallonTonight https://youtu.be/rKXhSZjMYIk