SCENE I. OLIVIA's garden.
Enter VIOLA, and FESTE with a tabour
Director's Note: We're gonna say this is a different part of the garden than we saw last scene. That means we'll need some nice big fake flowers, which Calliope has so graciously provided for us. Nepeta and Equius, it's on you to get the two huge flowers and the bench on. Vriska, get the left flower and run off. Equius, take the bench. Now, Jane, you come in from stage right in the dark and stop around center stage. Dave, come in when the lights come up, playing your tambourine even in the wings. Go out and start dancing around as you play it! The goal is constant movement and constant noise. After about 30 seconds of running around the stage, start circling Jane, still banging away. Jane, let him go around you three times, then start trying to grab the tambourine. Say "Save thee..." as you do this. When you've got the tambourine secured, fake wrenching it out of his hand and give the "dost thou" line.
Save thee, friend, and thy music: dost thou live by
thy tabour?
DN: Jane, set the tambourine by your feet stage right. Dave, stop cold, and use simple, jerky movements and comical poses. Jane, imitate his poses.
no sir i live by the church
no such matter sir: i do live by the church for
i do live at my house and my house doth stand by
the church
So thou mayst say, the king lies by a beggar, if a
beggar dwell near him; or, the church stands by thy
tabour, if thy tabour stand by the church.
DN: Dave, steal Jane's glove right off her hand and turn it inside out for your line.
you have said sir. to see this age! a sentence is
but a cheveril glove to a good wit: how quickly the
wrong side may be turned outward
Nay, that's certain; they that dally nicely with
words may quickly make them wanton.
DN: Dave, keep gesturing with the glove throughout this conversation. Jane, make half-hearted attempts to steal it back. Keep imitating his poses.
i would therefore my sister had had no name sir
why sir her name's a word and to dally with that
word might make my sister wanton. but indeed words
are very rascals since bonds disgraced them
troth sir i can yield you none without words; and
words are grown so false i am loath to prove
reason with them
I warrant thou art a merry fellow and carest for nothing.
not so sir i do care for something; but in my
conscience sir i do not care for you: if that be
to care for nothing sir i would it would make you invisible
DN: Dave, on "invisible," turn from Jane and drop the glove behind you. Jane, bend to pick it up and gesture at him with it. Dave, continue to be a clown.
Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?
no indeed sir; the lady olivia has no folly: she
will keep no fool sir till she be married; and
fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to
herrings; the husband's the bigger: i am indeed not
her fool but her corrupter of words
I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's.
foolery sir does walk about the orb like the sun,
it shines every where. i would be sorry sir but
the fool should be as oft with your master as with
my mistress: i think i saw your wisdom there
Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee.
Hold, there's expenses for thee.
DN: Jane, pull some money out of your pocket. Put one (1) quarter in his hand. Do NOT use chocolate coins! It took forever to get it out of his costume. Dave, rub your chin really quickly for the beard line. Slowly is funny, but hyperspeed is funnier.
now jove in his next commodity of hair send thee a beard
By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for
one;
though I would not have it grow on my chin. Is thy
lady within?
DN: Dave, hold up the coin and wobble it back and forth so that it catches the lights.
would not a pair of these have bred sir
Yes, being kept together and put to use.
i would play lord pandarus of phrygia sir to bring
a cressida to this troilus
DN: Jane, after "sir," sigh and grab another quarter. Put it in his hand.
I understand you, sir; 'tis well begged.
the matter i hope is not great sir begging but
a beggar: cressida was a beggar. my lady is
within sir. i will construe to them whence you
come; who you are and what you would are out of my
welkin, i might say 'element' but the word is over-worn
DN: Dave, in a perfect world, I would have you prance offstage, but this is not a perfect world. So, grab the tambourine from by Jane's feet, begin shaking it and tapping it again, and just walk away. If you want to do a little spin now and then, that's great. Jane, stay centerstage.
This fellow is wise enough to play the fool;
And to do that well craves a kind of wit:
He must observe their mood on whom he jests,
The quality of persons, and the time,
And, like the haggard, cheque at every feather
That comes before his eye. This is a practise
As full of labour as a wise man's art
For folly that he wisely shows is fit;
But wise men, folly-fall'n, quite taint their wit.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW
DN: From stage left. John first, then Dirk. Jane, wheel about.
Dieu vous garde, monsieur.
Et vous aussi; votre serviteur.
DN: Dirk, be visibly taken aback.
I hope, sir, you are; and I am yours.
will you encounter the house? my niece is desirous
you should enter, if your trade be to her.
I am bound to your niece, sir; I mean, she is the
list of my voyage.
taste your legs, sir; put them to motion.
My legs do better understand me, sir, than I
understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs.
i mean, to go, sir, to enter.
DN: Jane, at "entrance," turn and put one foot out as if to take a step forward, say the next bit, and then retract your foot.
I will answer you with gait and entrance. But we
are prevented.
DN: From stage right, Rose trailing behind Kanaya.
Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain
odours on you!
That youth's a rare courtier: 'Rain odours;' well.
My matter hath no voice, to your own most pregnant
and vouchsafed ear.
'Odours,' 'pregnant' and 'vouchsafed:' I'll get 'em
all three all ready.
Let The Garden Door Be Shut, And Leave Me To My Hearing.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and MARIA
DN: Maria, turn around and walk off stage right. John and Dirk, go upstage of Kanaya and Jane, between them and the plants.
My duty, madam, and most humble service.
Cesario is your servant's name, fair princess.
My Servant, Sir! 'Twas Never Merry World
Since Lowly Feigning Was Call'd Compliment:
You're Servant To The Count Orsino, Youth.
And he is yours, and his must needs be yours:
Your servant's servant is your servant, madam.
For Him, I Think Not On Him: For His Thoughts,
Would They Were Blanks, Rather Than Fill'd With Me!
Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts
On his behalf.
O, By Your Leave, I Pray You,
I Bade You Never Speak Again Of Him:
But, Would You Undertake Another Suit,
I Had Rather Hear You To Solicit That
Than Music From The Spheres.
Give Me Leave, Beseech You. I Did Send,
After The Last Enchantment You Did Here,
A Ring In Chase Of You: So Did I Abuse
Myself, My Servant And, I Fear Me, You:
Under Your Hard Construction Must I Sit,
To Force That On You, In A Shameful Cunning,
Which You Knew None Of Yours: What Might You Think?
Have You Not Set Mine Honour At The Stake
And Baited It With All The Unmuzzled Thoughts
That Tyrannous Heart Can Think? To One Of Your Receiving
Enough Is Shown: A Cypress, Not A Bosom,
Hideth My Heart. So, Let Me Hear You Speak.
No, not a grize; for 'tis a vulgar proof,
That very oft we pity enemies.
Why, Then, Methinks 'Tis Time To Smile Again.
O, World, How Apt The Poor Are To Be Proud!
If One Should Be A Prey, How Much The Better
To Fall Before The Lion Than The Wolf!
DN: This will not be a sound effect. John and Dave, I would have you harmonize on the word "bong" a few times from offstage. This is a comedy, after all.
The Clock Upbraids Me With The Waste Of Time.
Be Not Afraid, Good Youth, I Will Not Have You:
And Yet, When Wit And Youth Is Come To Harvest,
Your Were Is Alike To Reap A Proper Man:
There Lies Your Way, Due West.
Then westward-ho! Grace and good disposition
Attend your ladyship!
You'll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?
Stay:
I Prithee, Tell Me What Thou Thinkest Of Me.
That you do think you are not what you are.
If I Think So, I Think The Same Of You.
Then think you right: I am not what I am.
I Would You Were As I Would Have You Be!
Would it be better, madam, than I am?
I wish it might, for now I am your fool.
O, What A Deal Of Scorn Looks Beautiful
In The Contempt And Anger Of His Lip!
A Murderous Guilt Shows Not Itself More Soon
Than Love That Would Seem Hid: Love's Night Is Noon.
Cesario, By The Roses Of The Spring,
By Maidhood, Honour, Truth And Every Thing,
I Love Thee So, That, Maugre All Thy Pride,
Nor Wit Nor Reason Can My Passion Hide.
Do Not Extort Thy Reasons From This Clause,
For That I Woo, Thou Therefore Hast No Cause,
But Rather Reason Thus With Reason Fetter,
Love Sought Is Good, But Given Unsought Better.
By innocence I swear, and by my youth
I have one heart, one bosom and one truth,
And that no woman has; nor never none
Shall mistress be of it, save I alone.
And so adieu, good madam: never more
Will I my master's tears to you deplore.
Yet Come Again; For Thou Perhaps Mayst Move
That Heart, Which Now Abhors, To Like His Love.
DN: Kanaya, march off stage right. Jane, slink off stage left. When the lights are out, Dave, grab one of the flowers, and Jade, grab the other. This is a rough transition, so be quick about it.
