An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 1/?
Fandom: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter
Characters: William "Dex" Poindexter, Derek "Nursey" Nurse
Additional Tags: Ace Dex, can be read without reading part one, Takes place during their junior year, nursey is a hot mess, (also i suck at titles please don't judge me for that lol)
Series: Part 2 of ace dex
Summary:
Dex recently came out as gay and ace to his best friends Chowder and Nursey, and has since noticed Nursey acting different towards him (namely, much much nicer). What's up with that?
(I normally hc him as aro-spec, so ace dex is a delightful vibe check that I ADORE)
~Dex is one of those aces that (when they’re all older) either makes or laughs at a lot of innuendo-ey humor, and most people are confused like, aren’t you ace?? but in reality it’s part of his coping mechanism bc he went such a long time thinking it was a bad thing that he didn’t experience sexual attraction that he tried to cover it up (no I’m not projecting at me from two years ago shhhh)
~at first he didn’t even realize he was ace, because he experienced such a strong aesthetic attraction to people (aesthetic attraction being ‘wow, i could LOOK so HARD at you’ like one might at a particularly vibrant sunset) (again, totally not projecting)
~because of his asexuality, it took him a long time to figure out his orientation. Did he like Sophie because he was romantically attracted to her, because he she was his first Best Friend and he craved that (tfw you are someones friend but you still somehow want to be MORE their friend, am i right) or because she was objectively pretty and he had that heteronormativity mindset??
~in the end he realizes he’s a gay oriented ace :))
~(when sophie comes out as aro-spec lesbian, they joke about how kissing each other made them both aspec and gay) (JUST GIVE ME WLW/MLM SOPHIE/DEX SOLIDARITY OKAY)
~a big part of Dex learning to accept himself was when Tam came out as sex-repulsed ace, and then Linh came out as ace too :)))
~after he came out to Biana (he came out to each of the keeper crew individually) she hugged him really hard and then they had a fun hang-out session where she painted his nails the ace pride colours
So it seems common interpretations for Dex is that either he's wracked by internal homophobia and repression, or he’s out and proud.
I’d like to present a third option.
Dex knows that he’s gay. He has suspected since he was capable of having crushes, and has firmly known since he started high school and being exposed to the LGBT groups there (he’s lives in coastal Maine -- a state that started the Green Party before the rest of the nation; it’s also notable that the first Maine high school LGBT group was formed in a small town, not a city or suburb -- and goes to a high school that’s well off enough to have a hockey team; progressive groups are a given). That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have some views loaded with gender role or heteronormitive baggage. Still what matters that he doesn't think he's broken, damned, or that there's anything wrong. He knows that he is what he is, and that's more than fine.
BUT...
There’s still a closet he inhabits. A closet behind an armored vault. In a bunker. In a fortress. Surrounded by tall walls, razor wire, pack of guard dogs, security cams, and defensive guns. Atop the high cliffs of a rocky island surrounded by an icy sea.
Reasons for not being forthcoming are twofold.
Reason one being the fear of a hostile reaction. At the same time that he would have figured out being queer, he would have been on a hockey team. Hockey: a sport renowned for its rampantly conservative, homophobic, and perhaps-ironically collectivist outlook that despises aberrations, even when in spots that are otherwise progressive (look at where most NHL teams are located; not exactly Bible Belt, eh). Sure there’s the option of being all to-hell-with-his-teammates (especially since they are already spoiled rich kids), but it’s not called a hockey team for nothing. Especially if he wants to play well enough to get the attention of a university.
The even-more important element of reason one is family. Despite going to a fancy private school in Massachusetts, his family and community is still everything to him. And he doesn’t want to jeopardize that (the SMH and Haus, for all he loves them, just don't compare; especially when it comes to graduating). On one hand, they (aside from the obligatory rabid uncle) haven't expressed anything hostile; hell, many do business with queer tourists, acknowledge the queerness of favorite artists/musicians, and some even get a kick out of the local Pride. But they also frown upon things that rock the boat; some thinking that activists make too much of a fuss. So he’s 80% sure he’s not gonna be disowned or anything. But there’s still that 20% probability. And even within that 80%, Dex doesn’t want to either deal with “We love you no matter what“ or go through the labor of explaining himself. If anything, that uncertainty is worse than the virulent homophobes on his high school team; at least there's certainty with them.
The other reason however is that it’s simply not anyone’s fucking business. Sure the logical and feels-based part of him knows that if he comes out in Samwell, he’ll be treated alright and that the team knows discretion; Bitty, and later his relationship, being out to the team was proof of that. He’s still has no desire to open the door. Especially in an environment as obsessed with sex and dating as college. Especially when there’s sometimes the impression that there’s litmus test for queerness. Especially when his D-men mentors love to play matchmaker with everyone.
And it's not like it hurts too much. Sure there is the occasional crush he has. But he's also not exactly brimming with desire either. Turns out there's a reason for that: a reason that expands his orientation beyond just being gay, and one that he found out thanks to being in Samwell. So all is good.
But who knows, maybe it will turn out that there's nothing to be worried about, and the coast will clear. And then, maybe he will find the certain someone.
Until then, he's not gonna burden anyone with his closet, even if some may assume him straight and too uptight* to get a date (*which... honestly is sometimes a factor).
And there’s a simple useful phrase that he has when he’s asked if he has a girlfriend, why he’s single, if there’s anyone he can be hooked up with:
Could you maybe write something about ace Dex feeling really insecure about his and Nursey's relationship because Nursey is giving up something that everyone seems to think is so damn important, and it feels really unequal because Dex isn't giving up anything like that for Nursey. (Not that I'm projecting really, really hard or anything.)
I just want to say this, anon: if your partner makes you feel like this at all, if they don’t support you, or your asexuality) in your relationship, you need to look out for yourself and leave them. Nothing good can come from it. Also, sorry it took a bit, you kind of caught me at the worst time for this particular prompt.
“Y’all, full disclosure: I miss Jack, like a lot, but I miss the sex so much.” Bitty took another sip of his beer.
There wasn’t any particular occasion for them to be drinking, but they were anyway. Dex thought that getting drunk at 5pm on a Thursday was pretty dumb, but Holster insisted he be there. Team bonding or some shit. He was nursing his second beer, but everyone else seemed just this side of tipsy; somehow the conversation always turned to sex when they were tipsy.
Fuck, he wished Nursey was there. Stupid goddamn evening lab. Only twenty more minutes.
Holster nodded sagely. “Sex is very important in a relationship.”
Bitty and Ransom nodded along, but Tango, the only one who wasn’t drinking, looked just as uncomfortable as Dex felt. “So, um. Why exactly is sex important in a relationship?”
“It’s not,” Dex muttered, and snorted into his beer bottle. Anything that was about to come out of Holster’s mouth, Dex had heard before. Hell, most of the reasons sex was important to a relationship were things he told himself, over and over. Reasons he repeated to himself late at night why he was a horrible boyfriend. Things he used to justify his insistence to Nursey that they should break up.
Dex wanted to believe that sex wasn’t important, he really did. It was hard for him to resolve the fact that he didn’t want sex, he had no sexual attraction to anyone (even his own fucking boyfriend), and the fact that he was going to agree with anything Holster was going to say.
“Look, no offense to you and Nursey or anything, but sex is an essential part of a relationship. It brings a level of trust and intimacy that you just can’t get any other way.”
Dex shook his head, but couldn’t find the words to argue. Instead, he drained his beer, threw the bottle onto the recycling bin, and grabbed another from the center of the table. Tango nodded along, but still looked confused. A confused Tango could only mean one thing: he had a question.
“Okay, but sex just seems like… grunting and sweating and kind of a big mess. What’s intimate about that?”
Bitty leaned forward, sloshing a bit of beer on the table and ignoring it. “Well, you’re lettin’ someone else see you that way, ain’t ya?”
Holster gestured widely toward Bitty. “Exactly! And you have to trust that your partner isn’t going to call you on it, or tell you how your o-face looks stupid, or make a comment about your weird body hair.”
“Got a lot of problems with weird body hair, Holster?” Dex checked his watch again. Ten minutes until Nursey was back. He could handle that (maybe even without smacking someone).
Tango nodded, still with that confused look on his face. “Okay, so why is it no offense to Dex and Nursey?”
Before anyone else could answer that question, because frankly Dex didn’t think anyone could answer that question at the moment without being totally insensitive and horrible about it, Dex intercepted and said, “Nursey and I are dating, and I’m asexual. We don’t have sex. And so when everyone says ‘no offense’, what they really mean is that they don’t think Nursey and my relationship is as valid as theirs.”
Just like he expected, a chorus of voices erupted when he finished speaking. Bitty, Holster, and Ransom’s voices all overlapped.
“Now, hold on a sec-”
“C’mon Poindexter, you-”
“That’s not fair, bruh-”
He stopped them all with a glare. “You can argue about it all you want, but I know that’s what you honestly think. And you can say it to me all you want, but if you decide to pull this shit in front of Nursey, who’s the one giving up such a huge thing or whatever, then I will personally kick every one of your asses. Got it?”
Everyone immediately shut up. Dex knew he looked just this side of too intense, but he was so sick of trying to defend their relationship to everyone. He was sick of everyone implying that what they had was less, when they didn’t even realize that’s what they were doing.
The thing was, he could handle it. He was used to it, and even though he hated to admit it, he even believed some of it. But there was no way that Dex would let Nursey have to be the one to deal with that bullshit. Nursey, who was already giving up so much to be in a relationship with him, who got enough insecurity about having to give up sex from Dex himself, who shouldn’t have to be told that that sacrifice made him less somehow.
The Haus door closing cut through the silence. The stomp of heavy boots and clinking of buckles on his messanger bag let Dex know that his boyfriend was back.
Nursey walked up behind Dex and pressed a soft kiss to his hair. “Got out early. What’s up, babe?”
Dex stood up from his chair and grabbed Nursey’s hand, pulling him away from the crowd. He wished it was next year already so that they would have a room to go to, but it wasn’t and they didn’t. He considered leading Nursey to the basement, which had become something of a safe space for him, but decided that he’d rather go upstairs, to Chowder’s room. Chowder spent more time with Caitlin than at the Haus, anyway.
Once they got behind closed doors, Dex pulled Nursey into a tight hug, burying his face between his boyfriend’s neck and shoulder. He could only be so angry about the casual aphobia before it all fell away and he just felt… sad. And he had used up all his anger.
The feeling of Nursey’s big hands rubbing along his back was equal parts comforting and upsetting. He already gave up so much for Dex, and Dex just kept asking him for more, and more, and more. And what was he giving up for Nursey? A big fat fucking nothing.
He squeezed tighter, sure that it was uncomfortable for his boyfriend at this point. “I’m sorry I’m a shitty boyfriend.”
Nursey pulled back, enough to look at Dex. He unwrapped one of his arms from Dex’s back and cradled his face. “Hey, woah. What’s this all about?”
Dex shook his head, trying to look away, to look anywhere but Nursey’s face. He felt like the open concern and love on his boyfriend’s face was tearing his heart straight out of his chest. He didn’t deserve a look like that.
Nursey tried to catch his eyes, but gave up when it was obvious that Dex wouldn’t cooperate. Instead, he pressed a kiss to Dex’s temple and pulled him back against his chest. Dex could feel him breath a deep sigh.
“You don’t have to talk about it, Will. But I need you to trust me more than you trust the intrusive thoughts about this, okay? You are not a bad boyfriend. You don’t get to decide what being a good boyfriend means to me. Nobody but me gets to do that. And I love you, every little bit of you. Got it?”
Dex nodded. He wanted to trust Nursey, and he would try, but it would take time. The one thing he did know, though, was that Nursey would stick around for as long as it took. And that he was so fucking lucky for it.
Linh sets down her brush and pulls her hair back into a ponytail, rushing her way through her actions. She grabs her purse and leaps to the small cafe Dex had asked her to meet him at. "Darn it I'm so late!" She thinks, nodding at the waitress while she speedwalks to the table Dex was sitting at. A blush rests on his cheeks, and he smiles at the girl. "Linh! Hi." He looks nervous, but excited and hopeful as well. Linh cocks her head at him, wondering what he was up to. "Hi, Dex. Um... so why'd you ask me here?" The boy in front of her bites his lower lip and looks at the floor. "I uh,,, just kinda wanted to ask... you out? Like dating and relation ship stuff." The boy stutters out. Linh can feel her heart sink. "Oh, Dex. I'm sorry, but I'm really not interested." She can see Dex swallow, and nod. "I-I get it, I'm sorry, I really- Sophie said- I dunno what I'm doing..." he looks flustered and won't meet Linh's eyes. "Dex, it's not that I'm not interested in you. Well I'm not, but the thing is... I'm not interested in anyone. I'm aromantic, and asexual. I'm sorry Dex, but I'm not interested in a relationship." Linh takes a deep breath. She had openly told Tam, but there'd never been a reason to tell anyone else, and it felt good for someone to know the information. "Oh! I'm sorry. That... actually makes sense. I um- actually am asexual as well." Linh's head snaps up. "Really?" Dex nods and Linh beams at him. "Wow! So... I'm sure you understand." "Of course I do. I'm not going to make you do anything, and I can always just be your friend. I would never be offended by that." The feeling Linh had had earlier leaves, and she beams. "Thank goodness! Not everyone is understanding like that." Dex nods, grinning right back at Linh. "Of course, I understand. So... friends?" "Friends."
Im love that last nurseydex fic w ace Dex and was wondering if maybe i could prompt smth where they talk about Dex's intrusive thoughts and he maybe gets help for them (if he has anxiety or anything say) and Nursey being supportive and Dex tryna thank him by being romantic? No pressure to write though!
Okay, for the record, obviously you don’t have to be sex averse to be ace. In my head, Dex isn’t. it’s a conversation he and Nursey will have at a later date. Cut for length and not content
“Jesus, Poindexter, how long are you gonna be in there? I though-”
Nursey’s voice trailed off as he pushed his way into their shared bathroom. The second Dex heard the door squeak open, he grabbed for the first thing he could reach to cover himself, which ended up being the dirty shirt he took off before his shower.
Dex knew how it looked, he fucking knew. Naked and still dripping, alone in the bathroom, flushed in embarrassment, ashamed and hiding. It looked like…
“Were you masturbating?” Nursey looked horrified, but Dex couldn’t really tell if it was because he spoke without thinking or because of the way his voice cracked in the middle.
That. It looked like fucking that.
Dex tightened his grip on the shirt in front of his junk. “No! No, i wasn’t fucking… masturbating.”
“It’s chill if you were,” Nursey hastened. “We never really talked about, y’know… that. And if you do, that’s fine. Good even! I’m not really one to talk, because I do it a lot. Regularly, even.”
Nursey was rambling. Which was just fucking weird for Dex to hear. He had never seen his boyfriend so awkward and… nervous. It made something nasty twist inside Dex. He had caused that; it was his fault.
“Nursey. Please stop talking. I wasn’t, okay.”
Dex could tell Nursey didn’t believe him. He sighed and scrubbed his free hand down his face, wiping away stray water droplets that had rolled down from his hair. He didn’t really want to talk about it, but he would do a lot of things for Nursey that he didn’t want to do. Hell, he would probably chop off his own fucking leg if Nursey asked.
“Look, you know how I’ve been going to that study group early Thursday mornings? Well, I’ve actually been… going to the counselling center, okay? And the counsellor person thought that I should do this stupid self love affirmation crap. Look in a mirror and tell myself nice shit. That’s what i was doing, okay?”
Nursey’s face flashed from confused to hurt before it finally settled on neutral. Somehow, the neutral almost hurt worse than anything else. It had been months since Nursey defaulted to that stupid fake chill bullshit with him.
“That’s cool, Will. It’s really awesome that you’re going to the counselling center.” His voice was just as blank as his face.
Dex wanted to explain that he hadn’t told Nursey because he didn’t want to get his boyfriend’s hopes up that htis was something he was going to stick to. He made the first appointment without any plans of actually going, and the same for the second, and the third. By the time it was a regualr thing, he didn’t have an explaination as to why he hid it from Nursey in the first place.
He wanted to explain that he was doing this for Nursey, that he understood his anger and emotions were getting in between them. For maybe the first time ever, Dex would rather change himself than lose someone else, and he wanted Nursey to know just how important that made him.
He desperately wanted to explain that he loved Nursey so much it scared him, and that he would do anything in his power to never be the reason that Nursey was wearing that fake chill face and that tension in his shoulders. Even embarrassing shit that made him feel stupid.
With a sigh, he reached out and grabbed Nursey’s hand. “Why don’t you stay and watch?”
Nursey thought about it for a minute, the longest goddamn minute of Dex’s life. In the end, though, he nodded and sat down on the closed toilet lid.
Dex grabbed the sheet of paper that had fluttered to the floor in the earlier chaos of trying to cover himself. He waved it a little, so that Nursey could see the chicken scratch scribbled on the front.
“Any time I have an intrusive thought or, y’know, think negative things about myself, I write it down. And then I come in here and tell myself the truth, or the opposite or whatever. Every few days, or if it gets too long.”
Nursey nodded. “And the naked thing?”
“I kept getting distracted,” he mumbled. After a second, he corrected himself. “I kept letting myself get distracted. Looking at my shirt instead of actually looking at me, y’know.”
Nursey nodded again, but didn’t say anything. Dex took it as a sign to continue, so he did. Taking a deep breath he turned back to face the mirror and placed the paper back against the sink so he could read it. He glanced back at his boyfriend once before dropping the shirt.
Dex remembered the first thing on the list. He remembered exactly where he was when he had the thought, down to the smell of the nasty perfume someone in his class was wearing and the place in his notes where he had to stop himself from getting up right then and there so that he could punch something. Or maybe cry.
“I am not ruining Nursey’s life by trapping him in a relationship he doesn’t want.”
He barely paused before the next one, because they were practically the same thought. “We are not my parents.”
For his entire childhood, he knew that was how his parents’ relationship worked. His mom didn’t want to be with his father, but felt guilty about leaving. She was trapped there but circumstance, and Dex told himself every night for years that he would never be as unnoticing or uncaring as his father was.
He wasn’t exactly sure why he got it in his head that he was doing exactly that to Nursey, but it was days before he could get it out. Because it really felt like that sometimes. Did Nursey really want to be with him, or did he just feel bad about leaving Dex, pity about his poor, fucked up asexual boyfriend. But no, Nursey loved him. He did.
“I am not defective or broken.”
That one Dex found harder to believe. Most of his sessions revolved around his asexuality, and reaffirming that it wasn’t a disorder or dysfunction. It wasn’t some phase, and it wasn’t a hindrance. It was just a part of Dex, like his red hair and his big ears. It was just another thing that Nursey fell in love with. In theory… in pracrice, it was really fucking hard to believe that.
“I deserve to have a healthy relationship even if I’m not healthy.”
That one his counselor helped him word after a particularly rough fight with Nursey. Dex tried to break up with him because it felt unfair that Nursey was stuck with such a fucking shitshow. He was pretty sure that Nursey was thinking of exactly that incident, because he took a deep breath, but didn’t say anything.
Dex paused before the next one. He glanced back at his boyfriend again. He had forgotten all about this one, written in the middle of the night after a bad nightmare. It wasn’t something he had ever brought up before, or even voiced to his counselor. Dex focused back on the mirror, looking himself in the eyes.
“I am good for more than my use. I am not a utilitarian thing. I am a unique person, I have a personality, and people like having me around for that and not the things i can provide them.”
On his bad days, on those days when he felt like he was only going through the motions, it was hard to remember that the team were friends and that they wanted him around. That he wasn’t just there to fix the Haus, or to explain things to Tango, or to carry an extra sweater for Nursey. He was worthwhile independent from his usefulness.
He already knew what the last one was. It was the same every time, because it was the one thing he wanted to believe more than anything else.
“I can be the person Nursey is proud to be dating. I can be good for him. I can love myself for him.”
Dex stayed focused on the mirror, repeating it in his head over and over. He noticed the flash of movement, but didn’t realize what it was until Nursey wrapped his arms around Dex from behind. He pressed small kisses on Dex’s shoulders, where he knew there was a particularly dense cluster of freckles, up his neck until he could feel lips pressed against his ear.
“I love you, babe. And I am so proud.”
Dex felt the flush rise to his cheeks again. Somehow, it was different with Nursey there next to him. It was a little easier to believe the things he was telling himself and a little harder to come up with arguments in his head why these things weren’t true.
He wrapped his arms around Nursey’s, hugging him as close as he could. The amount of love he felt was beyond words.
I was reading your last ace dex fic (w the positive affirmations) and was just wondering coulr i prompt smth where maybe Nursey does masturbate n Dex walks in on him and how they deal w that awkwardness OR he puts a sock/tie on the door and the team, not knowing Dex is ace, are shocked to see him come in the Haus and wonder if Nursey is cheating on him
a/n: normally, this would be a prompt I’d start introducing Nursey + Dex to a polya relationship, because I love a good healthy polya couple, but i thought it might be a bit fast for them.Read it (here) on AO3! (along with all of my other ace!dex fics)
Something in the kitchen smelled delicious. Bitty was stress baking again, and Dex was planning on taking full advantage of that fact. But first, he wanted to give Nursey a kiss, for no other reason than he had a good day, and seeing his boyfriend would make it damn near perfect. Along with some pie.
Before he could get two stairs up, though, Bitty called out from the kitchen, “Is that my favorite helper I hear? Would you mind helping me out right quick, Dex?”
Dex paused, foot hovering over the squeaky third step. He wonderred if he could get away with sneaking upstairs for a quick kiss anyway. He was really thinking about going for it when Bitty called out again.
Okay then, no time.
He tossed his backpack to the floor next to the banister and slouched toward bitty’s voice. There were racks of cooling cookies, mini-pies, and muffins. They all smelled like apple and spice; Bitty must have been playing around with his apple pie recipe again. He was never quite satisfied with the spice combination.
Dex raised an eyebrow at his captain. “You know I never mind helping out, Bits, but it looks like you’re pretty much done in here.”
The oven was off and all the cookie sheets and muffin tins were already in the sink. Bitty had already wiped all the flour off the counters and he wasn’t even wearing his apron anymore. There was literally nothing for Dex to help out with.
Bitty was wringing his hands and shifting foot to foot in front of the table.
“Yeah, about that. Um… Why don't you sit down for a second?”
He pulled a chair out and all but pushed Dex into it. Dex went along with it because his captain looked so nervous. He could feel his good mood starting to fade.
Bitty dropped into the chair in front of him for all of two seconds before he jumped back up again.
“Bitty, bro, you’re starting to make me worry a little. What’s up?”
It wasn’t like it was unusual to see Bitty freaking out about things. Dex was pretty sure he was going to explode from pent-up anxiety one of these days. And during a Falc’s game, well… But it wasn’t normal for Bitty to be so nervous about talking to one of the guys. It was a bit disconcerting.
After pacing for a few seconds, Bitty fell back into the chair and grabbed Dex’s hands, holding them solidly in his own.
“Listen, Dex. I wanted to talk to you about… As your friend, mind, this isn’t your captain talking to you, alright?”
Dex waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. Not until Dex nodded his head. It seemed like Bitty took that as a sign to continue.
“I’m just wondering… Or, well, I guess I’m saying… I don’t think Nursey is good for you.”
Dex pulled his hands out of Bitty’s hold. He wanted to snap to yell that Nursey was the best thing that ever happened to him, that Bitty had no right to say any different. Dex wanted to get in his face and scream that Bitty had no place to decide what a good relationship looked like when Dex could hear him across the hall at night, crying after Skype calls with Jack. Not because he believed it, but because he wanted to hurt Bitty.
But he didn’t say any of those things, because he was working on his temper, and he could picture the look of disappointment Nursey would have if he heard that Dex had done something so mean=hearted when Bitty was just trying to be a friend.
Instead, he asked in a tight voice, “What are you talking about, Bitty?”
He could see unshed tears in Bitty’s eyes. “Look, Dex. Will. I know he’s seemed really great and accepting of your being asexual. But, honey, after I got home from class, I noticed a sock on y’all’s door and I figured that Nursey just needed some quiet time, the way he he does sometimes. But then I… I heard noises. I think he’s cheating on you.”
Dex held his breath. He knew that wasn’t right. It couldn’t be. Nursey loved him. And was actually good at shit like communication. If he had a problem, he would have brought it up to Dex… Wouldn’t he?
Dex wanted to believe that so bad, but there was a huge part of him that was screaming that he knew it was going to happen. Nursey was sexual, of course he wanted sex. Dex wouldn’t give it to him, so he went somewhere else for it.
“Are you positive, Bitty,” he asked, already knowing that he wouldn’t have said something if he wasn’t already damn sure.
“I didn’t walk in on him or nothing, but the noises were pretty damning, Will.”
“Okay. Okay.” Dex stood up. He needed to talk to Nursey. If he waited, it would just give his brain time to run away with all his fucked up thoughts.
He didn’t want to. He wanted to find somewhere to hide away and pretend like Bitty never talked to him in the first place. He wanted to pretend like he could go back in time, to when he thought his boyfriend was the center of his world, and the most supportive person he’d ever had in his life.
He knew he couldn’t do that, though. So, Dex started up the stairs, to the room him and Nursey shared. He dragged his feet, walking more slowly than he ever had.
Dex almost felt like crying when he saw that a sock was still hanging limp on the bedroom doorknob. It was a navy blue dress sock, half of a pair that had sat in been shoved to the back of their shared sock drawer for months.
He strained his ears, but couldn't hear anything from the other side. He took a deep breath, steeled himself, and knocked. It was a few seconds before Nursey appeared on the other side. He looked confused, but happy to see Dex.
“Hey, babe. Is there a particular reason why you’re knocking on your own bedroom door?”
Dex couldn’t bring himself to speak. Nursey looked so beautiful, the way he always did, even wearing a loose tank top and Samwell sweatpants. He couldn’t make sense in his head that his beautiful boyfriend could do something so horrible to him. Dex reached a hand out and snagged the sock, holding it up for Nursey to see as an answer to his question.
A flush rose on Nursey’s cheeks. “Oh, right. I forgot about that.”
He grabbed it and ambled back into their room, leaving the door wide open. Dex slowly followed, closing it gently behind him.
Nursey had climbed back onto his bed, in front of his open laptop. He restarted the episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine he was in the middle of. He grinned down at Dex and held out one of his earbuds, offering.
Dex shook his head and cleared his throat.
“Actually, I was wondering if we could talk?” His voice was weak and he hated it.
Nursey’s face changed, immediately sensing how serious the subject was. His eyebrows scrunched in concern and he paused the video.
“What’s up, what do you want to talk about?”
Dex didn’t know where to start. He could try to work up to the topic, find a way to lead into it. But he was never good at that, and he was too worked up to sit through the small talk. So, straight into it.
“Earlier, were you in here with someone? Were you fucking someone?”
Nursey’s face went from that concerned expression to carefully neutral, to outright angry in the blink of an eye. Dex could practically see his every muscle tense up. His eyes narrowed and in a voice that seemed almost too calm, he asked Dex, “What did you just ask me?”
He hadn’t meant to upset his boyfriend so much. It was clear to Dex that he had fucked up by asking how he did. Dex climbed up the ladder and joined Nursey on his bunk, putting a hand on his knee.
“I’m sorry, I should have phrased that differently. That was shitty.”
Nursey sighed, but put his hand over Dex’s. “Yeah, it was. Really, really shitty. So why don’t you explain it for me?”
“Earlier, Bitty passed by and said he heard… noises. Y’know, sex noises. And between that and the sock on the door, the international symbol for hooking up. Well, he freaked out and told me, and I freaked out, and here I am.”
Nursey was quiet for a few long minutes. It looked like he was trying to arrange his thoughts in his head, so Dex didn’t say anything. It was so fucking hard not to say anything, but Nursey was great about giving Dex time to process, so he should do his best to give his boyfriend that back in return.
He reached out and closed his laptop, shifting so that he was facing Dex more directly instead of sitting side by side.
“I didn’t have anyone in here with me. That’s something I would never, ever do to you, and I need you to understand that I’m upset you’d think so, even in passing. But that’s a conversation for another time.
“I’m usually the only one in the Haus at this time on Thursdays, so I use the alone time to have a little alone time, if you get what i mean. We never really talked about it before, so I never brought it up.”
Dex nodded. Besides that he mentioned to Nursey in passing that he did, in fact, masturbate, they had kept putting off the conversation about what the boundaries were. It was surreal that two guys in their early 20s had to have a serious conversation about masturbation. It was just another thing that Dex’s stupid fucking sexuality messed up.
Before Dex could say anything, or even figure out what to say, Nursey said, “I did some reading last time this came up, and I know that libido has nothing to do with sexual attraction. I’m cool with you doing whatever you do, but I didn’t know how comfortable you were talking about my habits.”
“You did research… about ace stuff?”
Nursey rolled his eyes. “I don’t know if you’ve heard, Poindexter, but my boyfriend is ace and I kinda love him, so yeah, I did research.”
Dex leaned over and kissed Nursey. He was blown away that his boyfriend would put in that sort of effort for him. Hell, Dex barely did research into being ace. It was like moments just like this that made Dex fall further and further in love with Nursey.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, holding hands and exchanging gentle kisses. Dex would happily stay there like that all day, but they should probably finish their conversation first. He pressed a last small kiss to Nursey’s lips and pulled away.
“For the record, I don’t care that you masturbate, or watch porn. Hell, if you decide you never want to use headphones again, that’s cool by me. And I’m okay talking about it, if you want to.”
Nursey tilted his head to rest on Dex’s shoulder and started playing with his fingers. “I was, us. Actually wondering about something. I have some of my favorite videos saved, and I was thinking it may be chill if you checked them out? In your, uh, free time, that is.”
Dex could tell that he was nervous, so he made sure to choose his words carefully. “Just as clarification, not as judgment. You want me to watch your porn next time I jack off?”
He felt Nursey nod against his shoulder. “Obviously you don’t have to if you don’t want to. But I thought that it may be kinda special. Even if we’re not having sex together it’s still like a shared experience.”
It was actually a really great idea, one that he was pretty sure he never would have thought of on his own. For maybe the first time in his life, Dex was actually excited thinking about the sexual side of his relationship. Nursey was being careful to respect his boundaries and come up with suggestions that work for both of them. And he wouldn’t tell Nursey, but he thought that maybe this way he could work up to trying to do something together, or at least in the same room at the same time.
“I’d really like that. Save some things on my laptop and I’ll check them out. I do have a question, though.”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t watch any weird kink things, right? You’re not about to load a bunch of feet, or armpits, or weird daddy kink crap on my computer?”
Nursey laughed and shoved Dex away from him, then pulled him right back in. He grabbed his laptop off the bed and opened it, hitting restart on the episode he was watching when Dex came in the room. Eventually, Dex would have to go let Bitty know that everything was alright between him and Nursey. For now, though, cuddling and Brooklyn 99 sounded pretty damn good.
I love your Ace Dex writings so much! They honestly make me so happy bc I relate to them so well and I hope you continue to write them
thank you, thank you!
I plan to keep writing them as long as I keep getting prompted for it! sometimes it does take me a little longer, mostly because i just started a project I’m SUPER excited about, but also because some of the prompts hit me really close to home and i need to take time to process them.
but as long as there’s someone out there reading, they’ll keep coming
