#acpw

[tincansamurai]

this coach was way more clear now that we're out of this hyped up intensive thing that we shouldn't be doing matches unless we're sure on how to do very basic shit, and we went over some very basic pins that we didn't even think about over the six weeks lol. i honestly can't believe there's been guys with the hubris to just take those six weeks and start booking outside the school. like you gotta know it takes at least months. and like, months is if you're already super good at it for whatever reason. i am expecting at least a year before i'm ready to do real shit. it's taking me a second to mentally readjust to that timeframe after the super quick push for our first match. my default is still FUCK!!! I GOTTA LEARN THIS AS FAST AS I CAN!!! I GOT NO TIME!!! and i keep getting super nervous for some reason. i think once i'm back into a routine with it, that'll help on all accounts. i feel better about today than monday - i think i really gotta just do the beginner classes only for a while lol. maaaaaybe stay late if it gets like it did when i first started, where the new ppl were the only ones who showed up, or maybe one or two more experienced ppl popped in. if it's like "oh here's a full different class" i'm gonna leave. esp when it's real wrestlers showing up lol. my presence will help neither of us

i will say also that this whole experience has been an interesting lesson in formatting these public diary posts. i get an urge to name drop because holy shit it's very cool that i get to meet and hang out with some of these people, and you might understand some things more with more context. or something is just funny like can you believe this guy said this? but that's like. you can't do that lol. both bc it's rude and unclassy to brag like that (it's bragging for sure, on some level) but also bc of the separation between people's personas and actual selves in this, as public figures. the first part is particularly nagging for me bc i want to share funny anecdotes but my non-public options are either ppl who know nothing about this so it is less meaningful or even completely meaningless, or really feeling like a dickhead to ppl who have cared about this longer than me being all "yeah 😏 it's nbd 😏" regardless of how i try and word it. bc it's the content and context that makes it feel like that to me. idk. like if gerard way knew my name and was happy to see me and hang out i absolutely could not tell my friends who care about mcr about us chilling that without being like. a braggart and/or undercover paparazzi giving leaks to fans. if that makes sense. i think maybe another aspect of it is text vs in person sharing, bc a story you tell in a coffee shop is very different in terms of potential consequences than anything you write down. it feels more like crossing boundaries and betraying gerard way's trust to write it down. even if every other condition for reluctance was met and my friends who like him would think the story is funny and appreciate it and keep it dl and not interpret my sharing as bragging and the story has 0 chance of impacting gerard's public persona or of it ever getting back to him that i told it, y'know. some of these guys are particularly private even in this more insular sphere, so it just feels extra wrong to me to say anything beyond "this guy's nice i like him"

you can tell i fucking love to blab, so it takes effort to just go "i had a cool day :)" without writing an essay. now i've written an essay on the urge to write an essay so hopefully it is slightly tempered. rest assured though that if i find out someone is a real piece of shit i will not be reluctant

[parrisblood]

Back at it again. 🖤🕯 Come buy a t-shirt and check out the show. #acpw #WalkthePath #LeftHandPath #prowrestling #wrestling #indiewrestling #darkness #occult #witch #witchcraft #pagan #demonicdeviant #demonicdeviants #goth #gothgirlsofinstagram #gothgirls #blackgoths #blackgoth #treverxsilvia (at Heirway Christian Academy) https://www.instagram.com/p/B2aFAC8pXcx/?igshid=1t3tnk2x04oew

[tincansamurai]

somehow the numbers worked out that i took every bump twice today and today was all bumps so i kinda feel like i got the shit beat outta me for two hours

which is fine i gotta get used to that as a small guy but OOF. kinda wishing i was at my old job so i could just call out with no consequences instead of two weeks into a new one!!

oh my god the bruise i just noticed from all the arm parts of a hip toss... so i also LOOK like i got the shit beat outta me lol

[tincansamurai]

i feel bad when the coaches kind of start out in a bad mood lol. i'm pretty sure most of it is because of this one guy. he was the first person i met and he's just. a lot. like he should probably be having someone come with him to watch him kind of a lot. and he can do the stuff, he's athletic, but he doesn't listen when other people are getting instructed, so the coaches need to repeat everything for him every time and then he gets really frustrated and fucks stuff up in dangerous ways and gets really dramatic in a way that does not help anyone. he doesn't know how to take a step back and collect himself or how to handle his own meltdowns. but the guy who runs this place is legitimately passionate about getting people to wrestle so i don't think he's had to turn people away, and he's also never physically here so he hasn't experienced the frustration first hand. but kind of uh... literally everyone is tired of dealing with this. we have other people with similar issues but the difference is they internalize the feedback and instructions they get instead of needing to be told the same thing over and over and over. and when people offer help and coping strategies they give them a try and see what works. it's a legitimately dangerous sport to be doing, even in training, i think it's fair to pull a "not everyone can do everything" here. esp with the guy who, first thing he did was brag to me about breaking his brother's leg doing wrestling moves on him. like. there is an attitude you need to approach this with and it is not that, not even close.

anyway i took it slow today and was told my bumps look way better, and i got through a pin drill pretty well, so i'm fine with how i did. i forgot how to hip toss, i should have asked but i just tried instead - but everyone was fucking them up so i don't feel singled out about that lol. we learned them literally 1 day, and we learned arm drags after that, so every time we had a flip bump spot they would say "hip toss or arm drag" and all of us would do arm drags lol. so yeah i forgot. we got a lil yelled at for not taking notes, which i def gotta start doing anyway. i was planning on doing lucha tomorrow but we'll see how my back feels after all the bumps today lol.

the coach also said something about how you should be thinking about this stuff like 24/7 and i get the idea, like don't think a couple hours a week is all it is to really get this. but also i have a loooooot of thinking to do about gay vampires right now and my aspirations are like. have fun and do whatever is offered to me safely and decently. i would be totally fine with training and doing only no ring gay bar shows for a single free drink lol. idk if i feel any sense of dedication to this as a career path. like i am taking it seriously, i want to get better and do things right. but if i only do this sparingly that's fine. it just doesn't outweigh everything else i'm doing enough y'know. at least not right now. i am truly happy to be around and keep steadily improving for myself. it's really fucking cool that i can do this shit at all and it's fun to do it. i don't think it's gonna get much deeper than that for me though

[tincansamurai]

god i have so much to work on with wrestling lol. but! i vaulted into the ring pretty effortlessly without thinking about it or having ever done it properly before, and my schoolboys got way better in the span of 3 reps (versus the so-much-trouble i was having when first shown them). it's bumps and strikes, really. which are hard! so of course they're taking longer!

a problem i have noticed is we usually only get to run thru a drill once bc of all the people, and i fuck up the first one every time bc i get so nervous. why am i so nervous?? hard to say beyond a nebulous performance anxiety + thinking i will forget all the steps. they will literally tell you the steps lol it doesn't matter. i felt a little more confident with how i was doing things by the end, but yeah, fucking BUMPS. i finally got an answer that if a gym has a good mat i can practice like 10 of them out of the ring, but watch out lol. but yeah i just needed that because yeah, you say i can practice them here, but also this is like... classes. i am not gonna go away for 2 hours and then come back for the doesn't-always-happen open ring after the class for actual wrestlers lol. the chances of me doing this at planet fitness are slim to none, i'll prolly look up if a narrow one is prohibitively expensive and do em in my yard if not. i don't trust the structural integrity of my apartment to do that inside lol. i also got the helpful answer that when it comes to another person being involved, i am still actively choosing to do this motion. like fuckin invisible man fights or any other gimmick like that, it's the same with another wrestler, you're just taking your timing cue from them. so i think i need to accept fucking up the timing in favor of being more active with my movement, bc the slam on the ground gets more attention and draws more reaction than the hit that led to it. or rather, it's the slightly more important part of that joint equation, bc a bad bump/sell fucks the impact more than bad impact fucks the bump/sell

i am gonna go to the lucha class tomorrow and see how that goes. i really wanna do 3 days a week... i just stop myself too easy on sat/sun bc it's the middle of the day. i would love to go ice skating practice on this and get it done early in the morning and then have my day. it has too much presence in my mind for me to be normal about it. i was going to say normal about it like going to the store but there's nothing i love more lately than putting off every single basic fucking task that objectively takes little to no time and improves my life. i probably need to be back on stimulants lol

all that being said: i can feel today already...

[tincansamurai]

i think i need to do this more often. i kept skipping the weekends during the intensive bc it was already 4 days a week, but i think three with space btwn them is the move. so saturday i'm gonna try and go

i can now offer some kind of verdict on the massage - my back hurts less at work, yay. but my legs were knotted as fuck and apparently all my tolerance for calf workouts was stored in those knots lol. shit burned today!! i am also realizing how much muscle i'm putting on in my legs, but especially the lower legs. how the fuck am i gonna find socks for tiny baby feet that don't dig a ring into my legs... and my skinny leg sweatpants feel ridiculous lol just like vacuum sealed til my knees

anyway today i don't feel bad but i do feel like a critical problem i have is my shitty memory. i typed out "nothing comes to me on the first try" but that's wrong, plenty of stuff does, and that's the stuff i have done so many times that it's locked in. i do feel like a lot of stuff i SHOULD just be able to do i can't without a quick run through, but that's why i think i need to go more often. so that i get the reps in on these things. i also seriously need someone to understand my action versus reaction problem with bumps and give me advice for it. like, we did russian leg sweeps, right - where you both are going back and bumping, basically. and when i was being given it, my bump sucked. but giving it i did great! because there's something about needing to do it on someone else's cue. i don't know what, or i would be working on that. bumping by myself doesn't really fix this, bc i understand the motion, just like... maybe it's a timing thing? an anticipation of how much i need to react? i don't know! but it's annoying me that it's still so messy!!!! when i can make them decent alone!!!!!

i need to start writing down everything we do for my own records. i'll put that under a cut but you have to scroll past the rest of my essay

today was some warm ups, a bunch of rolls, we added in back rolls where you get up on just one leg. we did some shoulder to ass sideways rolls. then we did a short drill where the starting person ran the ropes and jumped over two dropdowns, 3/4 rolled over the third, pushed the other person thru to start running, and then dropped down and rolled out. then we did a spot where the heel did a shoulder tackle as the babyface got up from a roll, heel pins bf, kickout, heel headlocks bf, bf half shoots them off into a waistlock, then schoolboy pins the heel, kickout, bf takes the heel into a headlock, heel shoots them off and tries a clothesline, duck, waistlock again by bf, bf grabs the right arm, twists the heel into position, snapmare, sit em up, crucifix, kickout. then we added in the last run the bf takes another headlock, headlock takeover, heel headscissors, kickout, end. and then we ran a different spot where we locked up, heel takes a hammerlock, bf reverses into a headlock, heel shoots bf off to the corner for an up and over, goes under, gets schoolboyed, kickout, heel gets up and tries a clothesline, babyface ducks and does a seatbelt and spins to the side of them, russian leg sweep into a pin, kickout.

this is so much shit to remember lol. it is definitely good to go through and write it down and try to keep track of it though, i feel like that has helped me in some nebulous way

[tincansamurai]

so today's practice went better, i think because i have reoriented my expectations. at the end i was telling my friend that i didn't feel great after last week, and she told me that i was just being too hard on myself, which i was. but she also told me that the guy who owns the gym had silently leveled up only about half of our class and i was one of them, which just. it's not a badge of "you're super good and ready to go" but it definitely means he sees something - like, sees that i want to show up and i want to do this, and thinks i have potential.

that is hitting me, like, super, super hard. because this shit is kind of like... this is the first new hobby i have picked up since i started transitioning. it's something so completely out of my old wheelhouse. in no fucking universe could you tell a younger me that i would be doing something like pro wrestling and have them believe you. in a slightly different timeline someone would tell me this is stupid and crazy and i would just never try it. but i care about and believe in myself enough to just go for shit now, and to have someone who knows about this sport and cares about it and clearly doesn't feel a need to pat someone on the back for nothing - to have that acknowledgement and little nod that he thinks i can do it, too? man i'm a fucking mess right now lol.

all day i was waffling, like, idk, i don't feel like it today - if i don't feel like it, is it for me? was this actually just a quick lil dip of my toes and that's it? but this cements it - i want to keep showing up. i want to keep doing this. i want to get better at it. and other people also want those things for me. they want me around and believe in me. aaaaaaa <- that's me sobbing

[tincansamurai]

ugh i shouldna stayed late at wrestling for the advanced class, i felt like i fucked up literally everything i did. ughhhh. i think i was expecting to bounce back into it too fast. this is a slow and steady kind of deal. good to see everyone and sweat a lot though