I am so upset with myself over how obviously out of control I am/my eating is
and how many other things I want to do, need to do, should be doing
and how many other plans I make that last all of five minutes before I start binging again
I keep on wasting my life and I’m never going to change because I have no willpower or motivation or energy
I eat and then puke and then lie in bed because I am too lethargic to move until it’s time to eat again. I don’t read or watch TV or study for the MCAT or go to the gym or talk to people or be with my animals or be a human at all. I only keep going to work because that’s how I buy food (or in the case of restaurant!job, steal it). I don’t shower and I throw my food wrappers on the floor to deal with them ~later~ and between genetic shitty teeth and a decade of purging I’ve rotted my teeth so badly that there’s question for actual jaw infection because I’m also too afraid to go to dentists/doctors.
But worst of all is that I’ve gained 10lbs since the beginning of December and literally doubled my body fat percentage in a year of not working out, because that’s the real, quantifiable metric of all the trashpersonitude according to my brain.
So, that’s about me, right now.