➴ Summary: Forgetting is not simple, neither is loving him.
➴ Pairing: Levi / Reader (3rd Pov).
➴ Warnings: N/A.
➴ Wordcount: 1958.
Everybody loves the things you do
From the way you talk
To the way you move
Everybody here is watching you
'Cause you feel like home
You're like a dream come true
You and Erwin arrived late due to an accident on the road. After apologizing to the guests, he left to chat with some business partners. You were left alone - which didn’t come as a surprise, next to a group of people that seemed too concerned with wealth and power to see more than that. It was as exhausting as it was sad.
That was more than three hours ago. You had been walking around the place ever since, talking with some and ignoring others.
Leaving was still an option, she told herself. Leave and go to the closest fast food restaurant that could remind her there was more to the world than expensive dresses and fake laughs. But she couldn’t, it was an important night for Erwin and, whether he ignored her or not, she had to be there and show her support and love. Even if no one believed it.
As she took another glass of wine, a soft laugh caught her attention. Her head moved so fast towards the sound she felt her neck crack. The pain disappeared as soon as she saw him.
Levi stood tall - as tall as he could, next to an old man that was fascinated with him. It wasn’t a surprise, either. If she looked around all the guests were keeping an eye on him. Levi was being nice that night, but even if he wasn’t, he’d still be the center of attention.
But if by chance you're here alone
Can I have a moment
Before I go?
'Cause I've been by myself all night long
Hoping you're someone I used to know
How long had it been? A lustrum, perhaps. She thought that after so long, it would be easier to see him in person, but at the sight of him her heart stopped and when it started working again, it hurt more than she would admit.
Levi must had felt her presence; he turned his head to the side and looked at her. He wasn’t surprised to see her there, how could he? It was Erwin’s event, his wife had to be there, but he didn’t hide his deepest thoughts as good as he could had. The pain was there for less than a breath, but it was long enough for her to catch it, to feel it too. Then, as if ashamed, he turned his attention back to the guests, with her gaze fixed on his now clenched jawline.
He wasn’t looking but he was watching her - knowing this, she was quick to excuse herself and cross the room, exiting through the garden doors into the cold and silent night. It was as if she had moved to a whole different world - no chattering, echoing heels or laughing. There she could breath without suffocating, feel her emotions without fear or shame.
So she continued walking, deep into the gardens until she was far enough to see but a faint light where the mansion was supposed to be. Not sure how she got there so fast - she didn’t, but she felt no soreness whatsoever so she didn’t think it had been a long walk.
She felt his presence before she heard his voice and although she had braced herself for it, the hit was still hard. “Disappearing like that is not a smart move.”
“Following me isn’t one either, but here we are.” He chuckled. Gosh, she rubbed her arms in a vain attempt to hide the goosebumps.
What was wrong with her? She didn’t want to feel what she was feeling but she couldn’t help it. She didn’t want the sound of his voice to be able to calm her down and set her on fire, to look for him in a room no matter where she was; to wake up still hoping for him to be the one besides her. She didn’t want to, but she did.
If he would leave her alone, then perhaps the temptation wouldn’t be so strong. But if he had been able to, he would’ve done it.
You look like a movie
You sound like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young
Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Turning around, she was surprised to see him standing so close to her. An inch closer and their noses would touch. Her hand trembled at her side, urging her to touch him.
Would he refuse her touch? No, of course he wouldn’t.
She could see it in his face, he was just as desperate as she was.
It reminded her of a time when being so close together was normal for them and didn’t feel a sin. When all of her fantasies were true. That was so long ago, though, she thought. It felt as if a millenia had passed since then. Yet the feelings were just as strong.
Before she realized what she was doing, she put her hands on his shoulders and her fingers wrapped around a loose strand of hair. Levi didn’t think twice before wrapping his own arms around her waist, allowing their bodies to touch as he leaned in.
Levi looked beautiful in the moonlight; carefree and blissful as he lead them on a dance. The music from the mansion was too far and faint for them to follow it, so Levi had to improvise it and started singing one of their favourite songs. He used to blast it all the time when she had no reason to be sad, but was nonetheless. She couldn’t stop the tear that ran down her face at the memory. Levi wiped it off; his hand lingered on her face for a minute before it returned to her waist. He spun her around, making her laugh and scream at the same time.
In that moment, she and Levi were in an apartment downtown, doing their best to survive. As broke as rats, but happier than ever. Young, in love with no fear of the future. Together.
“Levi…” she whispered. “What happened to us?”
I was so scared to face my fears
Nobody told me that you'd be here
And I swear you moved overseas
That's what you said, when you left me
That was a stupid question, she knew what happened to them. She did. When Levi started to get busier with work - and richer for that matter, she started to shut herself up. Soon, Levi realized he no longer knew her and didn’t share the same ambitions, although he believed to be helping them both fulfill their dreams, she had stopped walking with him without warning. It hadn’t been lack of love, love was all she could feel towards him; but she got scared. Of not being good enough, of Levi becoming a different person - that fear consumed her to the point she didn’t realize she had been the one to become someone else. It was too late when she noticed: Levi had accepted a position in Japan and their paths diverged.
“Fear.”
His answer surprised her and she looked up at him to make sure she had heard him right. Not that she expected him to blame her and her insecurities, that wasn’t Levi, but to hear such a word coming out of his mouth in such a soft, broken voice, leaving him bare and open for her to see… Levi was ever the one to hide his emotions behind a hundred locks, but there he was facing his fears in front of her.
If she had just accepted the support he never failed to offer. How did she ever thought Levi wouldn’t be there to help her face her fears? Had she not known him at all?
It's hard to admit that
Everything just takes me back
To when you were there
And a part of me keeps holding on
Just in case it hasn't gone
His smell, his hair, even the feeling of his hands on her waist brought her back to a time when Levi was still hers and she was still his, and the biggest fear she had was failing class and losing her scholarship. To when Levi would wake up at 5 am on a weekend to help her with her studies, because he was the smartest of the two and he worked insane shifts.
She would trade all she had just to be able to go back to that time.
I guess I still care
It was a dangerous move, but her fears took enough from her and she couldn’t allow them to keep on doing it. Her hand went from his neck to his face, cupping his right side. She felt him take a breath; her touch made him nervous. It had been so long, he wasn’t used to it.
She stood on her tiptoes and leaned in, connecting their lips.
Do you still care?
Levi didn’t move at first, but when she was about to pull back he tightened his grip on her waist and kissed back; hard and desperate, as if he was drowning and she was all he could grab onto to keep afloat. It was fine, she knew the feeling. Because as soon as she felt him, he was all she needed. She could run out of air, he’d keep her alive.
At the sound of steps, Levi pulled back. He was still close enough that she could touch him if she wanted, but far enough that no one could know what had just happened.
She was still confused when a voice spoke from behind her. “You’re here!” The sound hurt, but she couldn’t tell who was in more pain, her or Levi.
Of course, she should’ve thought things twice before kissing her ex in a public place, but she had realized something: she was growing old, and not with him. Things weren’t as smooth as before, times were more difficult and their positions made it harder for them to be able to make a decision and stick to it. She could leave Erwin, right there and then, and choose Levi but then, Levi would risk losing all he had worked for.
Nothing was as simple as before. It was killing her.
“It’s too late,” Levi said before the person reached them. She wanted to argue, to fight for the future she wrecked in the past, but she stopped herself when she saw Erwin had reached them.
Erwin was a good man - a terrible husband, but a good man. He didn’t deserve that pain.
“You’re here! I was afraid something might happened.” He wasn’t, but she smiled at him and decided to let it pass. “Shall we?” Erwin offered his arm. She hesitated for a second before accepting it, grabbing her dress to not trip over it while walking.
She and Erwin started to walk back to the mansion, leaving Levi behind. Before she was too far, she turned around and looked at him one last time, remembering the last Christmas she spent with him, his face when she surprised him with a gift - how hard she had worked to get it. Levi’s laugh at her cream moustache, the cuddles in bed that seemed to never end, how he asked her to be his wife and how he made love to her that night, ring on her finger.
