LOCATION: somewhere distanced from the carnival.
FOR: giada d'amiano.
THE BREEZE THIS EVENING was anything but gentle. adeline found herself overwhelmed by it all. she was tired of pretending. pretending she didn't feel like she was drowning -- that she was tired of the fighting. wondering why the fuck she had even allowed her life to go down the path it had in the first place. but, then again, had she even had a choice? these are the questions that have been keeping her up at night while the rest of the world sleeps -- for a moment, in those instances, she feels like the last woman alive on this earth. she decides to walk some distance outside the fairgrounds -- looking for some semblance of peace, drink in hand. maybe she'll find herself again at the bottom of it. what she doesn't expect is to have company. at least, it's someone she knows will bring her the momentary peace she's seeking. she knows it's giada before she even sees her.
For a second, it looks like Adaliz has seen a ghost. And perhaps she has, but it’s also entirely possible that the young woman sitting across the quad looks dangerously like an actress she had a sordid affair with back in the 60′s, and she’s not totally sure what to make of it.
Adaliz-- Adeline, what’s the difference? She can Americanize her name as much as possible, change up her look, but her heart is the same at its very core.
Instead, she chooses to take a seat beside the young woman. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a dead ringer for Rhiannon Byrd? I’m Adeline, new here, and a huge fan of old Hollywood. Kinda looking to make some friends, here.”
hayden made his way up the steps to adeline’s apartment. already stoned, he’d had the brilliant idea—he always had his best ideas while high—to bring addie in on the fun. rather than knocking on the door like a normal person, he figured he’d use the spare key under the doormat he knew the girl always kept. after unlocking the door, the boy barged in, spinning the key on his index finger. “addie !! i've come to break you out of your boring life of solitude !” hayden announced.
harry had taken it upon himself to be a replacement host as the real one, zeke, was vomiting in the bathroom, not having the best of times. he was quite drunk himself, so trying to greet everyone was proving more difficult than he first thought, and zeke was showing no signs of improvement to help out. hearing the door open, harry made his way over, a half-full drink in his hand that he sipped mid-walk. only just be surprised by who he greeted. “oh! addie! you came, then? do you need a drink?”
if you're reading this, i have left this world. || self para.
for giada d'amiano. ( @xogiada )
giada,
if you're reading this - i have left this world. i never would have left you if i had a choice. this letter will be in the posession of my lawyer, that is, until i reach my end. then, my words are yours. some may say this seems dramatic. but, there is so much anger, and bullets are flying. thus, i can't take any risks. not when you've taught me how to feel so much. i've wanted to tell you for so long, since… i can’t even remember when. it's been at the tip of my tounge every time i've looked at you -- but something in me held on just a little too tight. i told myself i was protecting you, but, as i write this letter -- i realize that perhaps i was protecting myself. protecting myself from the fear that i'd tarinish our history, the fear that history would repeat itself and i’d be the one picking up the pieces of my life again. i don't know if my heart could take it. scratch that, i know it couldn't.
while ironic, it's still a tragedy our story will end just as it starts. in a letter.
it's not lost on me.
giada, i love you. in ways i never thought i’d feel again. you certainly can’t hear this (unless you have superpowers — which would not shock me), but i’m laughing now, because i haven’t realized until my forties just how much i’ve gotten in my own way. i have believed i am better off alone, better off just me and diana. but then i met you. much like a hurricane, i got caught up in you and everything you are.
how lucky am i to have been swept up by you?
i know it won’t be immediate — but once the dust settles, i want you and diana to know each other. my lawyer has been told to share form of contact only when it is deemed safe enough, when the danger has subsided. my daughter, i hope, will be everything i never was. i hope she will be free from the choices i’ve made, the things that i’ve done. which we now arrive to what the shadow has over me.
if it’s come out at the time you’re reading this — then you already know. you’ve likely made your decision about the kind of woman this makes me. but if not…. diana’s father wasn’t the only one who was supposed to go to jail all those years ago. i was too. i framed him for it all, so he could go down all on his own. he wasn’t a good man, perhaps that’s how i rationalize my decision. and yet, as i’ve gotten older — that assurance has turned into guilt. even if i’m sure i did what i had to do. i just wish i didn’t have to do it. even if it has come out, the law would be unable to touch me. statute of limitations and all that legal jargon.
diana doesn’t know. she doesn’t even remember the kind of person her father was. you, my darling, must be this secret’s keeper. if there comes a time when you wish to tell her — do it. i won’t be around to stop you. but i’ve fought tooth and nail to keep things normal for her. so she can break the cycle her parents created.
i’m so sorry, giada. i wish i could have built up the courage to tell you when i was alive — i wish we could have run away to paris together, changed our names and started completely over. spent our days growing old on the outskirts of our favorite city in the world, untouched by all we have done. can you imagine, pastries and coffee at a cafe by the siene? that was always my comfort, my hope that such a moment would be inevitable. but, this is the way our lives have led us. i’m just happy i spent my time close to you — even if we had to fight harder than we should have for it.
even if i will still be loving you in death — i’m sure we will see each other in the next life, and the one thereafter. i’ve never been the spiritual type, but the thought brings me comfort that this will not be our true end. our story isn’t over.
this is my wish for you. i wish you love, i wish you joy and someday, i wish you peace. i wish for the dust to settle, for the hatred our people feel for each other to die instead of us. i’m so sorry. for everything. but what i’m not sorry for having loved you. no matter if it was for a second or my entire life. i want you to grow old knowing how loved you are, even if it’s not with me — like i hoped it would be.
learn from me. be proud of what you feel. and if you love someone, say it.
LOCATION: by the kissing booth, following levent's shift.
FOR: levent sahin.
ADELINE HAD INTENDED TO come alone. frankly, she was getting tired of events like these. she could show her face in true socialite fashion, laugh and network as one does. but, not at the mercy of another human being, she could quickly leave and go home. however, there are several whom she's happy to say hello to. such as their fearless leader, who she was sure could be either delighted by his assignment or beyond displeased. the duality of men. as he rounds the corner of the booth, adeline is sure to offer him a graceful and pleasent smile. " are your lips sore? " the money cleaner laughs, in a playful manner. she offers him her arm, an offering to lead him away from work and instead relish in the other pleasentries the evening had to offer. " i've heard a drink could help with that. "
LOCATION: a hotel in a neutral location.
FOR: giada d'amiano.
THE ENEMY. THAT WAS what giada was supposed to be, wasn't it? but, how could adeline ever bring herself to hate someone whom she loved so much? frankly, the woman had practiced what she called indifferent avoidance. for a while, she considered herself to be getting better at it with each passing day. conditioning took time. their obligation to their respective organizations was what they needed to focus on right now, when all was said and done. then had come the gala. the initial sight of the woman had caused the breath in adeline's chest to hitch, collect in her throat. but, she leaned on her practices, her pride to stay stable. stay strong in her resolve. however, when everything with francesca had occurred, the look of worry on giada's face was nearly impossible for her to ignore. relieve it. do something. the call was impossible for her to ignore. ever since then, every practice was shattered. faulty. thus, they find a way to see each other -- a neutral location that no one else could think of. even if the hotel was far from either of their usual caliber, frankly, adeline cares very little. not when she opens the door, and there she is.
glossed lips part -- initially unable to speak. she can hear her heartbeat in her ears. after a moment of silence, adeline takes the other woman's hand in her own before quickly tugging her inside, directly into an embrace as the door closes. now, she can finally breathe.
