you don’t have to be loud to be seen
part two: you don’t come with instructions
Description: The night after everything feels like too much, Azzi Fudd finally tells Paige Bueckers what it’s like to live inside her head. Paige listens to every word and does what she always does when she loves someone: she pays attention.
The next night feels different.
Not because everything is magically easier.
Not because Azzi suddenly knows how to explain every part of herself.
But because something shifted the night before.
Something quiet.
Something important.
For the first time in a long time, Azzi let someone see what happens when the world gets too loud.
And Paige stayed.
Not because she had to.
Not because she didn’t know what else to do.
But because staying was the easiest decision she had ever made.
They are curled up on the couch now.
Paige in one corner, Azzi tucked against her side in one of Paige’s oversized hoodies.
The soft gray one.
The one that smells like her detergent and vanilla body wash and something that is just unmistakably Paige.
A basketball game hums quietly from the TV, mostly ignored.
Paige’s fingers move through Azzi’s hair in slow, absent strokes.
The kind that always make Azzi feel like her thoughts are being untangled one strand at a time.
For a while, neither of them says anything.
Then Azzi speaks.
“So…”
Her voice is quiet.
Tentative.
Paige immediately looks down at her.
“Yeah?”
Azzi picks at the cuff of the hoodie sleeve.
A nervous habit.
One Paige has started noticing more and more.
“I wanted to explain.”
Paige’s expression softens.
“You don’t have to.”
“I know.”
Azzi swallows.
“But I want to.”
Paige nods once.
No pressure.
Just listening.
Azzi keeps her eyes on her hands.
“Sometimes it feels like my brain doesn’t know how to stop.”
Paige stays silent.
Azzi continues.
“Like I’ll replay a conversation over and over and over again.”
Her fingers twist in the fabric.
“I’ll think about whether I sounded weird or if someone’s tone changed or if I said too much.”
She laughs weakly.
“Or not enough.”
Paige’s thumb brushes gently over her shoulder.
Azzi exhales.
“And I notice everything.”
She finally glances up.
“Like if your voice sounds different. Or if you’re quieter than usual. Or if something feels off.”
Paige nods slowly.
“I’ve noticed that.”
Azzi’s lips twitch.
“Yeah.”
A pause.
“Sometimes it feels like I’m collecting information all day and I don’t know where to put any of it.”
That line makes Paige’s chest ache.
Because she can picture it so clearly.
Azzi keeps going.
“Some days it’s fine.”
Her voice softens.
“And some days it feels like there are too many tabs open in my head.”
Paige smiles a little.
“That’s actually a really good way to explain it.”
Azzi huffs out a quiet laugh.
Then she looks down again.
“When I get overwhelmed, little things feel bigger.”
She shrugs one shoulder.
“Noise. Lights. Clothes that don’t feel right.”
Her fingers tug at the sleeve again.
“And sometimes I can still talk and act normal.”
She glances up.
“But inside it feels like everything is too loud.”
Paige leans down and kisses her temple.
Azzi swallows.
The hardest part still sitting on the tip of her tongue.
“I guess I just…”
Her voice wavers.
“I worry I’m a lot.”
Paige’s hand stills in her hair.
Azzi’s eyes fill with tears.
“I worry that once people know how my brain works, they’ll think I’m too complicated.”
Paige doesn’t let that sentence sit for more than a second.
She shifts, turning fully toward her.
One hand gently cupping Azzi’s face.
“Hey.”
Azzi looks up.
Paige’s expression is impossibly soft.
“Do you know what all of that sounded like to me?”
Azzi shakes her head.
Paige smiles.
“It sounded like you.”
Azzi’s breath catches.
Paige brushes her thumb beneath Azzi’s eye.
“You notice everything.”
A kiss to her forehead.
“You care deeply.”
A kiss to her cheek.
“You think hard.”
A kiss to the corner of her mouth.
“And you feel things in a big way.”
Paige rests her forehead against Azzi’s.
“I love every single part of that.”
Azzi lets out a shaky breath.
“Doesn’t it sound exhausting?”
Paige smiles.
“No.”
She presses one more soft kiss to Azzi’s lips.
“It sounds like the girl I’m in love with.”
That is what breaks her.
Azzi starts crying.
Not because she is sad.
Because there is something overwhelming about being understood and loved in the same breath.
Paige wipes away her tears, smiling softly.
“Okay,” she says after a moment, reaching for her phone on the coffee table.
Azzi sniffles.
“What are you doing?”
Paige unlocks it.
“Taking notes.”
Azzi laughs through her tears.
Paige is already typing.
“Important information.”
She reads aloud as she writes.
“Soft gray hoodie.”
Azzi smiles.
Paige continues.
“Dim lights.”
“Quiet.”
“Forehead kisses.”
Azzi ducks her head.
Paige adds another line.
“No too many questions.”
Azzi’s throat tightens again.
Paige glances up.
“What else?”
Azzi hesitates.
Then says quietly, “Pressure helps.”
Paige nods and adds it.
“Big hugs.”
“Safe foods.”
Azzi thinks for a moment.
“And… just being with me.”
Paige’s face softens.
She types it exactly as Azzi says it.
Then sets her phone down.
She takes Azzi’s hands in hers.
“You don’t come with instructions.”
Azzi’s eyes fill again.
Paige smiles.
“But if you did?”
She presses a kiss to Azzi’s knuckles.
“I’d memorize every page.”
Azzi laughs and cries at the same time.
“That was so cheesy.”
Paige grins.
“You love cheesy.”
“I love you.”
The words come out instantly.
Paige’s smile turns softer.
“I love you too.”
She opens her arms.
Azzi folds into them immediately.
Paige holds her tightly.
Steadily.
Like she plans to keep doing this for a very long time.
And as Azzi listens to Paige’s heartbeat beneath her ear, she feels something she doesn’t always let herself believe.
Not tolerated.
Not managed.
Not “handled.”
Loved.
Entirely.
Exactly as she is.
