#adhura

[doediariesofbambi]

i write fanfiction for adhura.

yes,for the series that came in 2023.

you can read them in ao3 with the tags 'we love ninad raman in this household'.

[doediariesofbambi]

the way i love malvika seth is to think of her as a actual human being with emotions and feelings rather than a selfish,attention seeking and needy person. her life got ruined for real because of something she couldn't even control.

[james-stark-the-writer]

A ★★★ review of Adhura (2023)

satya pareshaan ho sakta hai, parajit nahi. laborious, atmospheric, and so close to being something good. has its neck broken by the fact it

[midnightmusings19]

Me desperately looking for more Adhura content after finally watching the series only to find out there’s nothing but scraps.

[weaversoffate]

dear lavanne, 

today more than yesterday, i miss you fiercely. 

it is not a longing born out of loneliness, though, which feels strange. loneliness has been my most loyal companion ever since i’ve lost you, the one person who hammered through my walls, and its lack registers to me as… odd. rather, i miss you because i think you’d be delighted to know the brand new updates of the roaring dumpster fire that is my life. 

(i miss your laugh. it was a loud, obnoxious thing, much like yourself. the gap you left is ever-aching and unfillable. they say that fey never truly die and i hope this is true so every mote of light that falls upon me has a sparkle of you in it.)

first of all, turns out evraren manor is haunted! can you believe it? it seems like the twins’ dad made a pact with the raven queen to make their sick mom… less sick? keep her alive? the terms of the pact remain a bit blurry to my understanding but what i do know is that the godsforsaken house is feeding on our misery. it’s relishing on what’s already there and lulling it to come out with nightmares. 

in my experience, bloody, vicious dreams aren’t cause for alarm. however, i did notice the voices are becoming louder, feeding into my deepest fears even when i’m awake. last night, it was impossible to close my eyes without hearing whispers, saying things i would rather not register in fear they might return and take root in me. callith found me upstairs and talked to me about her childhood and her friends as i was half-delirious, my thoughts a scattered mess i could not untangle. her stories helped, as much as i loathed getting caught in such a state of disarray, and i could not pull away from her outstretched hand. 

i know i should have. the friend you’ve known would have pulled away in favor of focusing on the mission. but in your absence, i’ve become a clumsy, starving creature. if companionship is a luxury, it is one i’m damned to hunger for. i have not the time nor the disposition to look upon this further, so i won’t. we have a task ahead of us and i can only deal with a crisis at a time. 

and we are certainly not lacking in things to worry about! for instance, there seems to be someone powerful and influential within the city who behind the ogre attacks, puppeteering everything, which makes the local army’s incompetence very suspicious. we headed to their base today to have a chat with their captain, andrew. with we, i mean ashana, jullya, callith and myself. everyone else was helping the twins with whatever they got going on.

although my plan was to use adda’s lilting voice and sweet little face to persuade him into telling us the truth, callith absolutely tore him a new one before i could think of intervening. the aberration flowing in my veins wanted nothing more than to crack his skull open for the way he was talking to her. disrespectful, dishonet and fucking blatant about it. amateur. 

i am proud to announce i did not crack his skull open. however, i almost wish i did, because our interrogation only left us with a migraine and no additional information other than he’s a cunt, as jullya would say. through honey-coated persuasion or sharp blows to his pride, he was unwilling to give us anything of substance. 

after we returned to the manor, we met with sorn and luthai and decided the best way to deal with our grievances at the moment was getting down to the wine cellar and drinking our sorrows away. thankfully, i did a much better job at holding myself together than i did at the tavern, though i cannot say the same for my fellow watchers. luthai took his first drinking session as well as it would’ve been expected and jullya is not used to the effects of fey wine. our conversation revolved around the upcoming ball we’re supposed to attend, to gather information and hopefully swaying people to see our side of the situation. or our employer’s side. our employer, the man who used his own son as a bargain chip in a powerful magical pact. perfect.

and yet, despite our morbid surroundings and chaotic prospects, our impromptu drinking session was… fun. i must admit there are parts of me soothed by the presence of our new traveling companions. when i’m around them, i don’t stick out like a sore thumb as much as i do with the watchers. they are willing to bond with me, for whatever reason, and there’s no pressure for me to act a certain way or adhere to impossible standards. 

i don’t know how long it’ll last. but as i write you, i don’t feel so alone anymore and i’ll attempt to hold onto this feeling and breathe it in without worrying about the aftermath. that’s what you’d want me to do, right?

i love and miss you, always,

adhura.

[weaversoffate]

my scattered brain, my enemy

[weaversoffate]

Dear Lavanne, 

The motivation behind this letter is simply that I miss you. I miss having a true friend. And listen, my party members are nice. They listen to me, they trust and respect me, which wasn’t the treatment I used to have back home. They are an improvement from all I have ever known. But I miss your affection, an affection not based on what I can offer but what I am. Even if what I am is not the most palatable.

I know they admire me, I know they like me. But do they see the strangeness, the unnatural way my bones bend and my skin stretches to wear any face other than my own? Do they see my stilted words, my shifting tones, my mouthful of a name? Or do they only see the sharp steel sword I was trained to be? I don’t know. I’m scared of asking. 

Either way, we met a group of adventurers on our way to Gramacho. Two of them I had seen, although not personally greeted, when I went to Maturana with my party and we watched the Oath of Fire Tournament. You’d love that: a bunch of amateur warriors paired up in duos, spilling blood for coins and prestige in a way you’d certainly find entertaining. I confess I did. 

Of course, when presented with the chance of greeting them properly, I was on a different headspace, worried about the upcoming mission and the alleged urgency for our arrival. I behaved stiffly, missing social cues as you know I do, but I believe I have since then made a better impression. 

Halazia, a tall dragonborn barbarian who seems to have an overflowing heart and words as blunt as her weapons. caught me in a vulnerable moment with the horses (don’t ask). Talking about it with her made me feel, oddly enough, better about my inadequacies, and she makes me laugh. You know how rare that is. Ashana, on the other hand, is a spellcaster who, despite also coming off as brutally honest, has not shared much of herself. She is part of the reason why our parties first interacted, since Jullya was very much hitting on her at the tavern. We have traveled together for long enough for me to figure out unattainable, deadly-looking pretty woman is Jullya’s type. 

Speaking of deadly, Callith is one half of the winning duo of the aforementioned tournament and her presence is even more intense than I remembered. After our stiff first interaction, I was pretty sure she hated my guts, but ever since she has been kind to me. It feels okay to accept the type of odd kindness she offers. Not like looking into the sun, but the comforting part of stepping into the shadows and knowing you’re hidden. And if you’re hidden, you’re safe. Sorn, a drow sorcerer who represents the other half of the winning duo, seems to share that feeling — they are always together, joined by the hip like we used to be. He seems sweet in his politeness, genuine enough to be endearing yet practiced in how he presents himself to others… in ways his party members are certainly not. 

They are a strange group, but they are earnest in their strangeness. They don’t try to hide or conceal as much as I do. It makes me feel… brave. Like detaching from everyone’s expectations of me is something achievable.

Regardless, I cannot afford to be distracted right now. The twins’ hometown is in danger, the politics involved are nuanced and tricky and I’ll need to keep my mind sharp for all of it. Friendship is a luxury, not a necessity. 

I wish these words could reach you somehow. I know you’d be thoroughly entertained by my fumbling. 

I love and miss you, always, 

Adhura.

[weaversoffate]

a burning hill - mitski

and i've been a forest fire, i am a forest fire / and i am the fire, and i am the forest / and i am a witness watching it / i stand in a valley watching it / and you are not there at all

fetch the bolt cutters - fiona apple

i grew up in the shoes they told me i could fill / when they came around, i would stand real still / a girl can roll her eyes at me and kill / i got the idea i wasn't real

goodbye evergreen - sufjan stevens

something just isn't right / i cut from the inside / i'm frightened of the end / i'm drowning in my self-defense / now punish me / think of me as what you will

hardline - julien baker

say my own name in the mirror / and when nobody appears / say it's not so cut and dry / ah, it isn't black and white / what if it's all black, baby? / all the time

heavy balloon - fiona apple

i spread like strawberries (i spread like strawberries) / i climb like peas and beans (i climb like peas and beans)/ i've been sucking it in so long / that i'm busting at the seams

i'm not calling you a liar - florence + the machine

i'm not calling you a ghost / just stop haunting me / and i love you so much / i'm going to let you kill me

i'm your man - mitski

i can feel it gettin' near / like flashlights comin' down the way / one day you'll figure me out / i'll meet judgment by the hounds

little dark age - mgmt

i know that if you hide, it doesn't go away / if you get out of bed and find me standing / all alone, open-eyed / burn the page, my little dark age

never go back - evanescence

save yourself, don't look back / tearing us apart until it's all gone / the only world i've ever known / sleeps beneath the waves

nobody - mitski

i've been big and small / and big and small / and big and small again / and still nobody wants me / still nobody wants me

PRIDE. - kendrick lamar

i can't fake humble just 'cause your ass is insecure / me, i wasn't taught to share, but care / in another life, i surely was there

rootless - marina

work your fingers to the bone / building castles out of snow / i'm a nomad walking on / humming to the same old song

run! - willow

this pattern, it's maddening / making a tragedy happen that's not even real / oh no, i can't get out

stay down - boygenius

'cause it's a half life, it's a fallout / it takes so long for me to settle down / and when i finally do, there's no one else around / so i stay down

sympathy is a knife - charli xcx

'cause I couldn't even be her if i tried / i'm opposite, I'm on the other side / i feel all these feelings i can't control / all this sympathy is just a knife / why i can't even grit my teeth and lie?

white teeth teens - lorde

the way they are, the way they seem / is something else, it's in the blood / their molars blinking like the lights / in the underpass where we all sit / and do nothing and love it

whisper - evanescence

fallen angels at my feet / whispered voices at my ear / death before my eyes / lying next to me, i fear / she beckons me, shall i give in?

will anybody ever love me? - sufjan stevens

tie me to a tiny wooden raft / burn my body, point me to the undertow / push me off into the void at last / watch me drift and watch me struggle, let me go