Can you write kawanishi taichi self harming and being anorexic and no one notices bc he has "everything together and a perfect poker face with good grades." Then they start noticing little things, have a team meeting without him, and watch him more carefully. Then they confront him and he breaks down and they cuddle him and tears. After that they check him for new cuts, cuddle if they find them, make sure he eats (even force feeds him on a bad day and he struggles and cries). Please? Thank you!
Kawanishi!!!!!!!!!! My baby!!!! I am so ready for this, more than I should be. - Admin Semi
Kawanishi looked at his arms. Little grazes, not too deep but still deep enough to be visible, littered the skin a couple inches below the elbow. He couldn’t do it farther up the wrists because the elbow sleeves he had begun to wear in volleyball didn’t reach down that far. These were at least covered. He desired to make more, but knew that Washijou was going to make them have a rigorous practice tomorrow, so he couldn’t.
His stomach growled and he looked down at it. He didn’t necessarily feel the hunger that accompanied the growling stomach. He just told it to shut up and flopped onto his back, staring at the ceiling.
He didn’t register the tears leaking from the corners of his eyes until much later.
This went on for a couple of weeks. Kawanishi was able to slip by with his usual stoic demeanor, continuing to give Shirabu the usual half smiles he normally would. Nobody would think anything of it. Nobody would think anything of him skipping lunch either, his usual excuse of eating a big breakfast holding up well.
Kawanishi knew he probably couldn’t use the excuse for very much longer, especially since it was clear that he was getting winded and tired much easier. Washijou could scream and berate him all he wanted; nothing was going to change. Kawanishi kept up his healthy act though and figured that nobody would suspect a thing.
Except, Kawanishi was wrong.
Shirabu was the first to realize something was up. He was the closest to Kawanishi and they spent most of their time together after practice before going to their separate dorms. Shirabu would watch him, watch him get tired far quicker than he did in the beginning of the season, watch him flinch when he received something higher than intended on his arms during receiving practice, watch his face pale for moments before returning to normal.
Shirabu didn’t say anything though because Kawanishi gave no indication that anything was truly wrong. Kawanishi would smile that quiet smile at him and give him high fives with the same intensity as usual. But Shirabu had the gut feeling that something was… wrong.
“Shirabu.” Shirabu turned to find Yamagata standing behind him, a hand on his hip and the other clutching a water bottle. This was about a week after he had determined that something was up with Kawanishi.
“Yes, Yamagata-senpai?” Shirabu asked.
Yamagata’s eyes glanced over at where Kawanishi was drinking water. He was looking paler than usual. He had been looking pale these days and Shirabu noticed that the color never went back into his cheeks, not even after he had exuded so much energy such as he had during practice.
“Kawanishi isn’t looking so hot these days. Do you know what’s up?”
Ah. So other people were noticing too. He looked at Yamagata curiously. “I don’t.”
“Ah.” Yamagata took a sip of water and wiped some sweat from his brow, “Well. Eita said he saw… cuts on arms. Where the sleeves are.” They both glanced at Kawanishi now, who was in fact talking to Semi.
“Cuts?” Shirabu mused allowed mostly to himself but Yamagata nodded.
“Yeah. He’s also been looking a bit pale lately.”
“I’ve noticed. He hasn’t said anything.” Shirabu said quietly.
Yamagata sighed and looked over at Kawanishi sadly. Semi was patting his arm and then reaching for his own water bottle. “I’ll talk to Ohira about it. God knows Wakatoshi hasn’t noticed anything.” He laughed and slapped Shirabu on the back before walking away. Shirabu narrowed his eyes because, okay, it was kind of painful.
Shirabu cast one last sad look at Kawanishi before Washijou called them to practice. Washijou had benched Kawanishi anyway because his performance had been so bad. He had threatened to switch him out completely, even when Kawanishi said in his normal monotone that he was fine.
Later that day after Kawanishi had retreated back to his dorms, Reon called a meeting about him. Apparently it wasn’t just Shirabu, Yamagata and Semi that had noticed things, it had been every one, including Ushijima. They sat in a circle in their club room.
“So what do we do?” Yamagata asked. “We don’t actually know that anything’s wrong.”
“He hasn’t been.. healthy.” Semi said, thinking that that was the word he was looking for. “He’s been pale and more tired than usual. And there are bruises and scars and cuts all up his arms.”
“How do you know?” Goshiki said it in a curious tone, not condescending in any way.
“He was getting into the showers and I saw them.” Semi explained.
Tendou grinned. He was laying on the bench with one leg bent on it. “Oh Eita-kun, how voyeuristic of you~” Semi just glared at him, which did nothing to decrease the intensity of Tendou’s smile.
“Anyway,” Reon continued, bringing the impromptu meeting into focus, “We need to talk to him, at least. Maybe something’s going on. Maybe we can help him.”
“What if he doesn’t want us to know?” Shirabu questioned.
Tendou groaned as he sat up and cracked his neck, “Well, Kenjirou-kun, he’s just going to have to suck it up.” The creepy smile was back and nobody had any choice but to agree with him.
They did it the next day. It was before practice in the window of time before they did warm ups. Kawanishi was at his locker, going to pull on his arm sleeves when Shirabu grabbed his arm and tugged it outward, looking at it. It was covered in tiny cuts. The looked like nicks but some of them were long and thin and came in multiples.
“Hey-!” Kawanishi exclaimed defensively and tugged his arm away, going to move back but then noticed that all of his teammates were blocking him in. “What is this?”
“You can’t run forever, Taichi-kun~” Tendou said and leaned him close, “Where’d you get those cuts?”
“Tendou.” Ushijima said harshly but Tendou didn’t back away.
“I didn’t know you had a cat. But that would be impossible, right! Since we live on campus. So what is this?”
Kawanishi looked into all the concerned faces of his teammates and didn’t know what to say. He knew he should’ve said something to them. But how did you just casually say that you were starving and cutting yourself because you wanted to die? When you didn’t even have a reason to die? When you just hate yourself because you’re not talented enough but clearly you are because you’re at Shiratori-fucking-zawa.
“You’re crying.” Semi said, surprised.
“Huh?” Kawanishi touched his cheeks and he was, in fact, crying. He didn’t even feel it.
“Can you tell us what’s going on? So we can help?” Reon asked, placing a hand on Kawanishi’s shoulder.
Kawanishi opened his mouth
and it all came out.
He told them that he hadn’t had a solid meal in weeks, surviving on water bottles and energy bars. He told them that he slept for 12 to 13 hours a night so he wouldn’t have to face the world or any of his nonexistent problems. He cuts to remember what it’s like to feel pain. And the whole time he was recounting this he cried but he wasn’t a loud crier it was just sniffs and pauses to breathe. Everybody’s eyes were on him and it was strange because normally he was invisible.
They were all on him, hugging him tightly. It was probably pointless for them to tell him some bullshit that it was going to be okay and that he was going to get better because that wasn’t always the case. But they told him they would be there for him and that if he needed anything to come to them. Kawanishi found he could trust them.
The weeks after that were everybody checking in on Kawanishi. Semi would wrap his cuts daily, applying Neosporin and enduring Tendou’s comments about him being a mom. Shirabu would hang out with him at night and help him with homework. Ushijima helped him with his blocking practice. Reon and Yamagata were always around to talk. Goshiki genuinely just lifted his spirits with his stupidity.
And all of them made sure he ate real food. Shirabu would drag him to the cafeteria and sit him down, looking him in the eye as he ate. Kawanishi didn’t eat much at first but he slowly ate more and more as the weeks went by. The whole team was proud of him. The color returned to Kawanishi’s cheeks and he was more efficient during practice.
He was happy. He had bad days, as any normal people would, but it wasn’t every day now and that’s all that mattered.