It feels like an annual event, posting on this account. This time around, I’m grateful to be in a place in my life where I can look forward to it.
Writing has been and continues to be a vital part of how I interact with the world, digital and otherwise, and fanfiction, especially. It seems like a silly thing to acknowledge, given the reputation of fanfiction outside fandom circles, maybe even more so with K-Pop RPF. Being surrounded by brilliant and academic minds all day, I’ve often wondered if I should be more invested in hobbies like intensive research, local sports leagues, learning a new language or joining a humanitarian cause.
But fanfiction is simply such a balm for my soul that I can’t bring myself to care.
It’s no exaggeration to say fanfic has kept me tethered to joy and whimsy in a period where nothing but struggle, failure, and shame have eaten at me. I’ve always leaned towards writing than reading fanfiction since my LiveJournal days, but I’ve probably consumed more stories in the last few years than I ever have in all my years before then. Being host to so many minority identities in today’s America, struggling with graduate studies, and dealing with the ramifications of upsetting family events—I’ve felt defeated and lonely for quite a long time.
In the decade I’ve been writing and posting on the Internet, I think it’s only now I’m understanding how much of a pillar fanfiction is to fandom culture, which itself is now an integral part of the Internet as a whole. Those “bedtime stories” made me happy, even if only temporarily. They helped me fall asleep because I couldn’t on my own. What fanfiction may lack in professional editing is more than fulfilled with the love and sincerity funneled into every sentence someone personally crafted. I would feel soothed enough to rest.
I don’t know how to explain it. There’s just so much joy in witnessing someone else’s acts of selfish creativity. Writing is growth: improving technical communication skills; connecting with others; processing personal experiences; owning sexuality, and many more, I’m sure. With nearly every fanfic is an author better off for writing it. What is the purpose of fanfiction if not to create and share joy? I’ve chosen to romanticize it, and it’s truly helped heal my heart when it hurt too much to breathe.
Of course, healing takes a lot more work than silly stories written by strangers on the Internet (shout-out to my therapist, the kindest and gentlest person in the world.) I’m not quite healed yet, either. But I think I’m relearning how to write selfishly again. I’m making my own joy and whimsy, and giving myself permission to keep them.
I’m not myself without an overabundance of sentimentality—and here it is, slowly but surely filling my cup anew. Fuck, I’ve really, really missed this. I’m not sure if I’m happy, but I think I’m getting there, and I think there’s joy to be had in knowing that, too.
I'm not sure why I felt compelled to dust this little blog off, if even for a moment. Sure, I'm reminded of this part of my life, having just posted a new story, so returning to this home base (alongside AO3, of course) may have been inevitable.
To the void: here's a small update. (TW: mental health, existentialism)
The last few years have been rough, to say the least. I think my mental health has hit all-time lows in just the last 12 months. I've been consumed with questions about my career, difficult family dynamics, a fluctuating sense of self that feels so contingent on what's expected of me rather than what I really want—which is what? I don't know, honestly. I feel like a college freshman again, having existential crises about choices I felt so sure about before.
Being here is a bit of an escape and a place to share my thoughts with an imaginary audience.
I feel so wracked with nihilism and doubts about how meaningful life can really be. Continuing my life now as-is feels like willingly sitting in a burning building, hoping someone will save me because jumping out the window is still too scary.
I've faced some difficult failures and difficult realizations about certain relationships recently. Being raised on the value of academic/financial/material success rather than hard work paints failure as apocalyptic. Objectively, if I were talking to a friend in the same situation, I'd say failures aren't failures, they're learning experiences. Life doesn't end in your 30's. There is still time to figure things out. Comparison truly is the thief of joy.
It's hard to think this way in the trenches of self-pity and worry. There is only one way forward for me in my current circumstance, so it's also hard to simply leave in addition to locking away these deeply-felt feelings of mine in order to move forward as unhindered as possible.
Academic distress. Chronic health struggles. Relationship and family conflicts. Being alone in all of it.
I have no doubts about close, truly unconditional friendships in my life. Still, they live on the other side of the country. They can't live my life for me. They can't take my exams, do my research, handle my laundry list of a million things to do and question the terrors conjured in my own head.
It's tough. It's really tough, probably the toughest time in my life so far. Strangely, though, there is a little joy to be had with returning to writing fanfic for a bit. Rereading stories I've loved before, even written, is comforting in a way that feels solely personal. None of it for the sake of others, just for me. A little joy is still joy.
I have made the executive decision to lock my works to only AO3 registered users. Only registered users can comment as well. Whether true or not, there is a big scare right now with AI developers mining creators’ works without their consent for AI learning (not just with writing, but digital artists as well, without consent):
I could go on a very long rant about how inhumane and against the very principle of human creation these technological developments are. I also have a lot of negative feelings about “tech bros”, bred in a society of capitalism and greed, trying to automate and profit from one of the most soulful aspects of the human experience. But I’m sure you’ll easily find similar, more eloquent opinions with even cursory searches on the matter.
Fanfiction is still art. It is still legitimate writing. It still has meaning for both readers and writers. It is created from a place of love, exploration, and connection—for FREE. It’s just so frustrating and sad to think that a world born from a unique love and sense of community will be stolen for the 1% to fuel their greed under the guise of making “tools” for the people they will end up making extinct.
This isn’t a stance I will be changing any time soon. Thank you for your understanding and respect for artists, writers and creators who deserve it.
Happy [whichever flavor of winter holiday you're celebrating this year]! Here’s a little word vomit before the year ends.
I’m briefly back to this blog because of an email notification for an Ask—only to find out it’s a porn bot lol so I've checked another checkmark on the True Tumblr ExperienceTM.
I write this update with bittersweet feelings. My summer was restful and I got to spend much of it with family and friends. It felt like an incredibly long time coming, the feeling being exacerbated with the ongoing—god, it's still ongoing—pandemic. (I'll talk more on this later, so be forewarned if COVID talk isn’t in your interest right now.) I got to eat so much good food, sleep in a huge bed, bask in a lot of sunlight and open space. Then fall and winter came.
I eventually left my family and the country they live in. When work restarted after an anxious period of dragging out the question “When is work going to start?”, that rest buffer was consumed like tissue paper to a forest fire. It was so quick, I didn't even recognize I was back to Really Fucking Burnt Out in less than a month. (Thank you, My Boss, for emailing me on a Sunday night, asking me if I'd like to start that Monday, given me no mental preparation whatsoever. You’re a net-good person still, but I didn’t like that very much 🥲) Being in a place where winter is actually cold really doesn't help much, either.
On the bright side, I am grateful to be in a new living space I've come to love, with some lovely art books, cookbooks, knick knacks and pillows. I love taking naps and resting on my couch, playing video games or binging Youtube videos. I rarely use my computer/desk anymore, with work being not-from-home, but I'm happy with how it turned out nonetheless; I especially love the gifts from my friends proudly on display there. I treated myself to a small Christmas tree (celebrating solo this year) and an amazing new rice cooker. I am fully stocked with good food and ingredients for a lot of self-indulgent holiday cooking/baking/eating. I'm on the journey of demoralizing food and simply enjoying it as a form of loving and nourishing myself. (Shout out to IDOTSC Mingyu 😘)
It's hard to swallow that we're going into our third year with COVID. It's hard to continue being so vigilant, thorough with cleaning, conservative with social activities, and careful with finances when so many are too stubborn or prideful to do the same. And now omicron is flying under the radar. The idea of getting long COVID gives me intense anxiety that it’s hard to function sometimes.
I look back at my writing over the years with mixed feelings—that is, if I can handle looking below the author’s notes at all. It’s the kind of cringe/recoil common to looking back at past work. Flimsy metaphors. Unrealistic dialogue. Exaggerated imagery and overused tropes. Maybe on a different day, I’ll feel different. But for a long time, I haven’t felt confident or motivated in my writing. Maybe a soft ball of a post on this blog will be a baby step towards feeling better.
Looking back on the positive feedback can feel like little gems to offset the weight of self-doubt, heavy on the other side of the scale. These days, I don’t feel as lifted by the comments as I used to, I think, and that scares me. I hate to sound ungrateful. But, frankly, there’s a numbness that has spread to my everyday anyway, and positivity towards things I’m increasingly unhappy with can only go so far. Or perhaps I don’t visit them with the same mindset as before, because I simply can’t look at my writing.
And yet I can’t help but have some pride in myself for making what I did, at the age I made them. To think! I’ve written book-sized stories before graduation! Lent some happy escape in people’s days! God knows we need fun content more than ever. While I haven’t posted anything new recently, I think about how people might be going through a hard time, or are so, so tired, and feel even a modicum better from reading what I wrote. While my opinion on the writing quality remain deprecating at the moment, my opinion on the value of those stories is positive. That, I’m glad I still feel.
It’s probably evident that my investment in fanfic-writing is more than just making two dolls kiss or engaging with a K-Pop band (though it certainly is like that sometimes). There’s always been a part of me that I was working on when I wrote. I think I’m at a phase where I don’t need to do that as much through writing and posting things online.
I’m lucky to have a therapist I like and feel progress with. I enjoy the feeling of journaling in a physical notebook. I’ve made some of the closest friendships I’ve ever had over the last year. Separation from family has been hard, but beneficial for me as a product of complex Asian values I’ve only just begun to unpack. And to some extent, I’ve found an internal peace in this moment. It’s strange.
There is some unfinished writing sitting in my folders. I can’t promise whether they’ll be finished or edited, but I may post an excerpt one day or another. Or I may post unrealized ideas for stories, if people on this platform are still interested in those.
Thank you kindly for supporting me in whatever capacity you’ve been able to. You are so, so fucking strong for getting as far as you have. The world is harsh, and hard, and cruel. But there is so much love in it, too, and happiness, and laughter. Rather than think I couldn’t survive this world without those things, I’m trying to think that it should be celebrated that we have that joy, that we can experience them. What powerful agents of art and love we can be. And, indeed, fanfiction is very much a part of that.
Thank you. Here’s to the many plot twists and turns of this year, and to soon turning over the cover of a new one.
LOOK AT THIS!!! I got a friend of mine to draw this absolutely GORGEOUS artistic interpretation of That One Scene in “in defense of the side character”! I’m still reeling over how crazy pretty it is ❤️🥺❤️
I know there are a few non-Tumblr friends who visit my blog sometimes—you are welcome to share this illustration on other social media platforms (as long as you don’t claim it as your own or crop the signature and title)! My friend is quite private, but I did get permission from them, and you have my permission. More than anything, I hope their hard work gets dispersed outside my small blog. ;)
My head is such a tumultuous storm of thoughts right now (very thematic, too, since it stormed where I live just yesterday). But life is too short to not document what felt like a really meaningful and formative writing experience. My (very long) thoughts about “the price of mirrors” below the cut:
I’m writing this during the COVID-19 crisis. Quarantine has been a, understandably, very isolating experience for many. I’ve been living on my own for a few years already, but the self-isolation has been quite difficult and melancholy. I think “the price of mirrors” was an unconscious way for me to process that loneliness I was feeling. I first watched The Great Happiness Space documentary a long time ago and revisited it last month after stumbling on more recent Youtube videos about hosting. I remembered, “Ah, I’ve always wanted to write about those loud and drowning spaces, that experience of luxury and loneliness, the desperation for love and acceptance.” The dynamic of host/clients reminded me so much of idol/K-Pop fans, many of whom go to incredible, sometimes dangerous and unhealthy lengths for their faves. I, too, was very lonely when I was younger and used K-Pop as my crutch. But how far will that dependence go for others?
Wonwoo and Mingyu (as the fic characters, not the people themselves) are meant to represent two sides of the same coin: daytime news limelight versus shady nighttime activities. Both must be experts in their words and careful of who they trust. Both bottle up who they are because of the worlds around them, leaving them to often be “someone else” in order to do their job, which itself is closely tied to their sense of purpose (e.g. Mingyu “helping” clients) and self-worth (e.g. Wonwoo getting recognition for his writing). Work culture in Korea, and many Asian countries in general, is very serious and can impede on mental and physical health. Take your role seriously and be a good cog in society’s machine.
Names are a very important motif in the story. As Mingyu tells Wonwoo, he knows just how important names are. Idols, even those with stage names, give their names and personal history to their jobs. In the K-Pop world, are the people on screen known as “Mingyu” and “Wonwoo” the same “Mingyu” and “Wonwoo” in real life? No. But the line distinguishing fantasy and reality is so blurred because of the idol system itself. This is very prevalent in J-Pop idol culture, too, which is what K-Pop idol culture was based on. An academic paper I read discussed the over-saturation of digital images in everyday life in technologically-advanced Japan (computers, digital billboards, changing picture screens in restaurants and subways, etc.). This mixes fantasy with the real world. The digital aspect isn’t played up in the fic since it’s less relevant in hosting than in idol culture, but Wonwoo still constantly struggles to figure out which parts of Mingyu are real or fake, or if there’s a black-and-white way to analyze Mingyu at all. The same can be said for idols, who are trained to sell fantasies while still being “real.”
But names are still YOU, still a complex person with flaws and feelings. Mingyu is ready to give his away because he believes in instant openness without thinking about the repercussions for the sake of doing his “role” well. Wonwoo is the opposite because journalism is a vicious arena of keeping/losing privacy, critiques, downright hate in feedback, etc. Wonwoo addresses his journal entries to Joshua because it gives him mental direction—a familiar friendly face—in expressing his thoughts. Pretty much none of the more important clients are named. Even the hosts only refer to clients by pet names, which clients eventually feel like they embody to the host. (Imagine being called “love” every time a handsome guy sees you—is it hard to start believing that he truly does love you?)
Time is also an important motif, most obviously represented by Mingyu’s watch. It’s a simple one and yet it’s incredibly expensive. This is actually based on a famous watch owned by a racecar driver (I think), which became sought after because he became famous, and the watch was one-of-a-kind despite being so simple and relatively cheap at the time it was first bought. In the fic, the watch represents the preciousness of simplicity in how you spend your time. This is achieved chiefly through Mingyu’s simple dinner with Wonwoo, but also just through their more casual conversations throughout the story.
The watch also represents the time that needs to be let go of before a new time in your life can start. Mingyu’s ex-client gave it to him before going on a blind date and meeting her future husband. Mingyu gave it to Wonwoo after deciding to move on from hosting life to start finding new meaning. Both the client and Mingyu had strong feelings for their respective recipients. What were those feelings? Who knows? Not all feelings need words to be felt or expressed. (And MinWon went on a blind date instead of Mingyu finding a new flame but that’s neither here nor there lmao.)
I’m honestly just rambling at this point, so I’ll leave it there. Aaah there are so many more things I wanna write about!! (Precarity is a real phenomenon that fuels host club culture!!! This is what I use my university resources for omg.)
Kudos and much thanks to anyone who took the time to read this!! I definitely overthought, over-planned, and over-researched for a K-Pop fic that probably won’t get much traction these days, but I genuinely enjoyed writing “the price of mirrors” so damn much and will be reading it over and over myself. If you’re not writing for yourself, then you’re doing it wrong!
I logged into AO3 to reply to some comments and reread a few for some of that ✨serotonin✨ and saw that A Lesson in Adolescence has reached 1000+ kudos on AO3 what the fuck.
I try to not get obsessed with numbers because I’ve certainly had enough of that in my upbringing, but that’s...unbelievable. It’s even reached 23000+ views—how many people have read it? How many people are rereading it?? It’s readable? I can barely rake my eyes over it because that writing was so 2017 Me. (In fact, maybe that tilted kudos-to-hits ratio means that the fic is actually pretty bad/boring and people click out of it immediately lol...)
In all serious, I’m extremely thankful for how many eyes, hearts and souls that story has seemed to reach. That story was written almost solely to express my feelings on the transition from adolescence to young adulthood, so it’s strangely validating to see how much those feelings resonate with others. I don’t think I receive any comments/reviews on that story or series anymore, so seeing that wordless “feedback” is probably the next best thing.
Pledis...doing something right...and releasing what sounds like a thorough English translation...? We’re in the wild, wild west today y’all.
In all seriousness, it’s good to see that there is care being taken in the situation. I have very, profoundly strong feelings about ableism so I’m glad that that facet of the scandal has been handled swiftly. Hopefully the other facets are dealt with swiftly but still carefully as well.
It’s also relieving in a way to see that a statment was made about the nonconsensual nature of sharing these stories from the past. With the digital world making people’s lives more accessible (and we’re talking about Korea, of all places, too), it’s really easy and scary to share those histories with the world. Whether or not a Bad Thing happened, it’s not anyone’s place to share except for those directly impacted. It’s unfortunate that this individual had been bullied in the first place and I hope they’re truly living a peaceful, private life.
While I think we can celebrate this one relief for our boy, we should still remember that the victims of bullying/abuse—connected to MG or not—are just as important to consider and feel empathy for. I hope there aren’t thoughtless statments like “Thank god MG didn’t bully that person with a disability!! We in the clear on that one 🤪” floating around. Yes, there is the VERY BIG issue of investigating these allegations, but imo a bigger issue is the bullying and abuse that happened in the first place. Human first, fan second.
