#alexander's thoughts

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On a more serious note, I really hope Katrina can work things out with her parents. I may not have talked to her as much as some others, but that doesn't mean this doesn't upset me as well.

I know there are a few people I talk to on here who are younger or have more protective parents. As much as I understand that their parents only wish for the best and to protect their children, completely shutting them off from people is not the way to go about doing it. Removing them from situations that they have no knowledge of without even attempting to hear their child's side of the story is insane to me. Yes, there may be people out there who wish to harm you, but that does not mean everyone does.

You're not teaching your children anything by trying to force them to be distrustful and afraid of every person they talk to. The internet is not the only place filled with strange, dangerous people. If you honestly wish to keep your child out of any possible harm, you might as well lock them in their rooms in bubble wrap and never let them see another human being again. But do you know who would be harming them then--who already is harming them--the same people trying to protect them.

You may not be able to trust everyone out there, but you should at least have enough confidence in your teachings that you can trust that your children will make the right decisions in life.

This post kind of went more off on a parental rant tangent, but that all ties into my being upset that Katrina is gone.

I'm just

gonna go try and finish my tie

yeah...

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Speaking of best friends and stuff

I've never really cared about claiming people (or people calling me) "best" friends??

Like never??

People used to ask me who my best friend was all the time and I just?????????

I don't pick favourites???????

Even if I consider someone more of a friend then someone else

I'm not going to be like "oh yeah I like them more than you"

because I don't?????????????????????????

That's what "best" always meant to me and I never wanted to like hurt people's feelings and I just don't???? pick favourites?????/// so I?????????????????/

I mean I don't care if someone considers me a best friend or not? Like it's really not a big deal??? But like???????? Some other people do I guess and I????????????????????

I love you either way???????????????????????????????????????//

I'm actually Nanaki and prefer to love everyone equally?????????????????????

I don't know???/ 

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OK so I wasn't actually thinking about The Crooked Man in the shower

but all of a sudden when I was getting out, I remembered a scene from it

and I identify with David from that part

and I

I'm just gonna go lie down and wither in self-pity 

goodbye world

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GOSH. NOW BECAUSE OF THAT POST I FEEL THE NEED TO WHINE ABOUT STUFF. LIKE OK wait let me stop using CAPS that is better Ahem. I understand that in life you are going to have to talk with people and with employers and everything. Like yeah, I get that. That's perfectly fine and everything. But that is completely different than say.. having to memorize an entire poem and having to recite it to an entire class for like half of your grade? I actually had to do that once. And, get this, I was basically the only one who memorized it (because my anxiety kicked in and I was like 'oh fuck I don't want to look stupid gotta memorize fast') but I got points knocked off for saying shall instead of will one time. Even the kids who didn't like me were like, "can't you just give him 100? I mean taking points off for that is unfair considering like none of us know half of it." That really has nothing to do with the speaking issue, but this is just collective whining about school systems.

Ahem. Unto something more related, once upon a time, in that very same grade, we had to work in groups and have a debate or some shit. No, not some fun sharing of opinions debate where we really try. But like we give reports on our reasons and stuff. Anyway, in order to earn the grade, each person in the group had to go in front of the class to state their case. Now, not only was I in a group with annoying to all hell people, but I was basically the one who did all the work. I gave ideas, I wrote them down, blah blah blah. However, since everyone just seemed to pick what they wanted to present without really discussing it with everyone, and due to my anxiety with saying anything, I was left without anything to say. So, pretty much, even though I did everything in the group and if it wasn't for me the group wouldn't have had anything to present, I was the only one in the group to get a failing grade since I had not gone in front of the class. Cool. Great. Awesome. I am so glad that people basically plagiarized off of me and got A's while I did all the work and got a D. Yeah. Cool. So happy.

Even now, being in a school that is basically supposed to be a haven for people with anxiety, I am forced into speakings and things and constantly receive lower grades because of them. I honestly cannot for the life of me understand why answering pointless test questions in uncomfortable speaking situations is in any way a better learning experience or more important than having a more in-depth written discussion that causes the students to think beyond the normal, memorization aspects of learning.

But my opinion never seemed to matter to any school director I've talked to.

So who cares..

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Why has like nothing but sadness and depression been filling my dash lately? Maybe it's the winter blues or something but it seems like all of a sudden (note that these people have had issues before, but it wasn't something they constantly posted about every 5 minutes) a shit ton of people I follow have been posting things about feeling pathetic or wanting to die.

I don't have an issue with people talking about their personal problems on their own personal blogs, especially if they are attempting to reach out for help, or anything like that. It just seems... odd that so many people would be feeling the same emotions at the same time?

I don't know.

It's just making me uncomfortable.

Especially since, being somewhat off lately as well, I don't exactly know what I could say to help.

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Oh hey yeah, since like Francis is talking about character playlists or something, I kinda wanted to put this here because I was tlakign abot u htis wit h soem one an d it sm ade me angry  i star ted  htypeing liek ghins becasu e m ysendstence go tl ong and wei rd and y wheay

I will type correctly now.

Ahem. Basically I am the most paranoid person in the history of forever? Like.. sometimes I hear really good songs and I'm like, "Oh GOSH I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW OF THIS AMAZING SONG WOW CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR EVERYTHING SONG." But since I tend to imagine lots of things when I listen to music, I am afraid that if I show someone the song, they will get a similar idea and then I will be left in the dust. I know that is ridiculous.. but like I just worry a lot about my abilities and creativity and blah blah blah so even the smallest chance of something being taken away from me or whatever makes me really anxious and sad and just

sigh

lies on the floor

cries

So that is one reason I am not adding songs to Francis's Shuu playlist when I most definitely good. I mean damn; identifying songs with characters is literally all I do all day everyday 

Oh and because a lot of the songs could work for multiple characters and so I'm just like 'which do I assign this to help'

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Unrequited

There’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I had begun typing this out in response to an ask once… but I was met with crippling fear and ended up deleting the entire thing and sending something random and funny instead. But I can’t always ignore my feelings for the sake of others. I shouldn’t have to live in constant fear and pain simply because I wish to keep others happy. I’ve lived like that before and I don’t wish to do it again. Tumblr is supposed to be a place where people can be free to express themselves. But sadly, no matter where you go, whenever you say something that makes you seem privileged and as if you have never experienced any once of pain in your life, that freedom falters. And do you know why that is? Because people refuse to see it from your angle. That’s all I am doing right now, trying to show you my perspective on this little thing called love.

Now, firstly, I have of course experienced my fair share of unrequited love what with young, immature crushes to what seemed to be true love. And so I can say with 100% certainty that unrequited love hurts. The idea of loving another without that amount of care and interest being returned is just completely and utterly crushing and devastating. And I hate that. I hate it with every fibre of my being.

No, not because I have experienced it and therefore it saddens me whenever I am forced to go through it again… but the knowledge that someone else experiencing such feelings is heart-shattering. I’ve said time and time again that the one thing I fear most in this life is letting people down, and that is exactly what I feel whenever someone feels unrequited love towards me. As much as I enjoy knowing that people like me so much that they have developed feelings for me… it hurts too.

People tend to only look at unrequited love from the lover’s point of view rather than the loved. So many crushes, so many feelings… so many people that I am hurting because I simply do not share the same feelings as they do. Knowing that you are hurting someone because you don’t feel the same… feeling horrible when you hold feelings for someone else instead… it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I don’t want to make anyone sad. I don’t want anyone to feel unloved. I don’t want it to be because of me. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I love being loved, but I can’t deal with that love hurting people.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

And this. This doesn’t help at all. What does my posting this help? Nothing. It only causes more harm. Knowing that you hurt me thus hurts you… which only causes me more pain as well. It’s a never ending cycle of pain. That’s all love is. Because even when you find someone you love who loves you back… there will always be an onlooker… an onlooker filled with the pain and loneliness of not being loved in return for theirs… Love is pain. So why do we search for it? Why do we endure so much in hope of finally finding true love and happiness? I don’t understand it.

Perhaps I just care too much.

Heh.

I just want everyone to be happy.

I don’t want anyone to be hurt because of me.

I don’t have the right to be so adored.

I don’t have the right to hurt others.

I just want everyone to feel loved.

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You know I wish there was a way to know if an ask didn't send..

because I send a lot of people asks and then all of the sudden they'll stop replying...

and I don't know if they just don't want to talk anymore..

or if my ask didn't send...

and so then i go through a nonstop downward spiral wondering if i should try and resend it but what if it did go through then they'll think im annoying but what if oh gosh what do