#alexvonstar

[alexvonstar247]

hidden gem 👀

[alexvonstar247]

this just how i actually, seriously be feeling lately.

like i'm literally about to be 30 years old and i can say for a solid fact that i never have been (and most likely never will be) in love with someone that is equally in love with me. which doesn't make sense in my honest opinion, bc wtf is so bad about me? what is SO negative about me that overides my good qualities?

the only thing i would EVER consider bad about myself, at all, is the fact that i'm so peaceful and lovely and nice to everyone, when certainly over half of the population that i've encountered simply DOES NOT desrve it.....

i'm working full time now, well i have been since probably march of this year.... i started working at my current job as an activities aide at a retirement/assisted living/nursing home around the 1st of december, 2023 and it's already the last week of 2024's august.

i not only work on my feet at LEAST seven of my eight hour shifts, but this job takes a lot of patience and resilience and loving sympathy and empathy, and i also have the loving responsibility of my beloved husky's wellbeing, and my soul literally thrives when i GET to play guitar and sing, and i really enjoy going to the gym because (despite what my mom says) i can't get the same exercises in at home, and being in nature is legitimately therapeutic for my soul, and i'm too greedy for money to tell the men whom i clean house for that they need to find a new house keeper, AND!!! I HAVE A SERIOUS TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY!!!!!! AND I AM FUCKING TIIIIIIRED...

see, i agreed to checking in on 2 cute little kitties for a man while cleaning his house today (for cash payment of course), and cleaning for his neighbor up the mountain tomorrow. AND I WORKED tuesday through saturday this week, and i had jury duty on monday, and i did a lot earlier shift all week because my coworker needed a vacation from work........

it seriously never ends.

wtf is the point of anything, though?

all i'm noticing that life is about-is making money and driving cars and paying for everything and then dying.

i really wish i could make the difference that i know a lot of people would love to see....

i started writing this around 11pm on august 24th, 2024. i've been tired all day and eager to go to bed, but i've been even more eager to write lately. i know that this is my personal form of therapy, and i know that i've needed it.

i'm not even going to read and edit~i really need to sleep.

mrow.

[alexvonstar247]

monday, april 7th, 2008

so how about;;

i put my trust in a lot of people;

but somehow..

my heart gets torn up again.

by the people i thought i trusted?

life just doesn't make sense sometimes.

it's complicated; but i'll try to explain best i can..

when i was little, really little..

i was lied to about my own mom.

this ruined EVERYthing at home.

so dad would play victim and say he had

nothing to do with it..

maybe he didn't, but what about the lies?

name calling?

false accusations?

blaming of terrible things that didin't even happen?

see: my mom has always been there for me..

and it will always stay that way.

and my dad, well he "wanted" to be there for me,

but he never made an effort.

every single show or play i invited him to,

he wasn't there..

i remember forgetting my lines in a school play

because i was too busy searching for my daddy;

the man who i thought loved me.

so recently, i've been resisting him because he thinks

he deserves my time after 13 years of not being there....

so this puts a lot of pressure on me.

i'm the one that has to tell the judge what i want.

it's up to me.

i tell the judge, "i want to see my dad, but i am NOT

going down to florida without my mom."

my mom is my central support for everything..

if i have a problem, she's the first person i run to.

the first person i think about when i make decisions..

should i go behind her back?

or should i just tell her i have detention?

i NEVER keep things from people i love..

and i love my mommy more than anything.

i would take a bullet for her,

i would tell the world to "FUCK OFF"

if they were on her back.

i would be the one taking care of her

when she's 99 and can't even talk.

i would do ANYthing for her...

even give up my dad.

since he's the one that caused all my pain and tears.

since he's the one that made me completely hate my mom.

since he's the one that turned me against my own family...

now i'm strong and i can see the things he's done to me..

i can stand up for the truth no matter who it's in front of.

i can do anything because i know i can.

so if there was one thing that i could thank him for...

it would be my strength.....

he made me realize how good life really is

by seeing how bad it really can be.

so, thanx mom....for all your support.

and when i wanted to run away, thanx for taking me back home.

and when i said i didn't want to live with you,

thanx for bringing me back home.

and when i wanted to talk...

thank you for listening.

thank you for giving birth to me because i really enjoy my life.

[alexvonstar247]

a poem in 2 writings

4•15•18

I need to be better to myself, better with my choices. 

I know I’m not crazy. I’m not hearing voices. 

all I hear in my head is good things repeating. 

but I’ll never stop thinking of how bad it COULD’VE been. 

8•20•18

I know it could be worse,

but I also know it could be better. 

if only I WOULDN’T have thought

that THAT shit didn’t matter. 

what matters is the truth. 

and the truth is that I’m broken. 

I literally broke into pieces,

but maybe I NEEDED broke open. 

I wasn’t doing it right the first time, 

so this lesson was definitely needed. 

I just wish my 3rd eye OPENED a little sooner,

to save myself all of this grieving. 

the pieces are so close,

I can literally SEE them ALL!

I just can’t reach the glue.... 

but I tried that one time and made myself fall.......

maybe if I yell louder, maybe they’ll finally hear me. 

or maybe they all just WANT to stay over there,

cuz they know I can’t reach them on my own........................ 

[alexvonstar247]

a poem i wrote on november 17th, 2014

if I could reach inside myself 

and pull out all my feelings 

they would be 

e v e r y w h e r e 

on all the walls

and on the ceiling 

they'd be knotted in my hair 

&stuck between my toes 

I would trip + fall all over them

but maybe then,

you'd finally 

k n o w