Lunar New Year Gift for alightbuthappypen!
For @alightbuthappypen, I wish you a happy lunar new year, last year was a tough one for everyone around the world. We had to carry too many burdens besides the ones already on our shoulders, so I hope this cheers you up a litte. And if you are totally fine, then just enjoy it. I hope you like it, Im a bit shy to aproach and start conversation, but I tried to stick to the letter in your resquest.
*****
let me adjust my grip, don’t slip
When Lan Sizhui fell unexpectedly ill, it took less than a day for the Yilling Patriarch to arrive at the doors of Cloud Recess.
Lan Wangji suspected it had something to do with their mutual undead acquittance, but when Uncle asked with a suspicious tone, implying things that made his soul tremble with anger. He just fisted his hands behind his back and said “They have a bond; he has a place besides his bedside...”
He wanted, he really wanted to run to the infirmary to be with them. But his duties couldn’t be dismissed easily, in fact, he had several weeks of pending work with the sects that he already asked to be delegated. Yet, he still needed to hand over a list of priorities and names of the people assigned to them, and it was taking him too long already.
He tried to let that the methodical task of sealing scrolls with wax and metal distracted him from his convoluted feelings with the unexpected situation.
The night before while having dinner, the Junior had collapsed to the surprise of all. They took him to the infirmary right away, and not caring about appearances he followed. He spends a long night seated by the little table in the private suit where Lan Sizhui was being attended and probed and examined.
He knew that he had not the correct training to know, do or solve whatever it was happening to him, it fell into the proper and experienced hands of the doctors and healers of the sect. Nevertheless, he jumped lightly whenever they turned the boy in the bed, whenever the men made observations and humming noises, it was the need to run at his side, put his hand over his forehead.
Still, it became obvious very early in night that this was beyond of what he could do to help. By morning they still didn’t know what it was happening, but at least the junior hadn't worsened, and very painedly he had to separate and do his responsibilities.
By the time it was meal time, he was informed of the arrival of Wei Ying. But as he couldn't meet with them, he wondered if they knew something by now. If Wei Ying had come storming by the doors frantically asking to see the boy, walking in circles on his room, hand on his chin asking questions and answering himself while he unraveled the malady with the genius he only could possess.
Something about the idea made his chest ache with longlines.
It's been almost three months since his last visit. He knows, he counts the days with ease born out of experience.
One day since he last saw Wei Ying.
Two days since he lasts seen Wei Ying....
Three.....
One week....
One month....
One Year...
sixteen years...
Counting days was not healthy he knew. But he never could help himself. Some part of him is afraid that the count grows again. Days and days that ache with guilt, with lose...with love...
Three months it's not a very long time if compared with the long wait. But some days, the heavy loaded ones, the stressful ones, it does. It does hurt like it. He wished he could end those days walking to his private room and seem him, see his beautiful welcoming smile. To know he is there and would never go again.
Still, it's not something that can be solved. What right does he have to ask Wei Ying to stay here? Hes as free as he wants, as free as he always wanted.
He understands, he did travel the land too, he was not free exactly, he was running away, hiding his morose mourning and his inability to let go of the past from his family and peers. But he knows there is solace in the open skies of empty roads and peaceful farmed fields, fulfilling the promise they made, he failed him in many ways, but at least he gave himself to the task of fighting evil.
Mourning...Wei Yings needs it as much as he did.
He thought he could follow him, it was his plan as soon as he found him again at Dafan mountain, as he was sweep up his feet by his bright personality, his laughter, his brilliant mind once again. Being with him at all times. But....
But what right does he have to be free of responsibility?
After all, Lan Huan was tasked with their sect since he was born. But that didn’t mean he had to carry the load by himself. And yet, while he was roaming around, raising a kid. His brother never asked him do to his responsibilities if he was not up to them. His brother was sympathetic and caring, and worked and worked without help for years.
Now Lan Huan was suffering his own grief, his own mourning and his own count. But he knew that his was meant to last forever.
Staying here, being the acting sect leader, and being the chief cultivator really was the only retribution to his filial brother. He might harbor a great dislike to all of the sects and clans across the land for the wrongdoings committed to Wei Ying, to them both.
But he couldn’t just walk away while his brother was heartbroken and alone. Or can I?.... his mind thinks but he erases the thought and the doubts as fast as he can.
He can't ask Wei Ying to stay, and he can't follow him either. So, it was just another wait, probably not as endless as the first had felt, but something in him just wants it so desperately to end.
However, there still was something to confess, something kept deep on his chest for as long as he can remember. It probably is because during those years, this feeling just grew and grew until he could no longer remember a time when he didn’t feel like this.
It was like roots had taken over until they filled his chest and touched his soul. Tangling deep into his whole being.
He carried Wei Ying in his heart as one carries a lamp in the darkness. Sometimes warm, and sometimes ardently, but always the light he followed like a moth since he was young.
Where he to confess those feelings to him, would he feel compelled to return them even if Wei Ying does not feel the same? would he stay here with him the way he wants him?
Hes the type of person that sacricifies what he feels and what he wants for the people he cares about. No matter how undeserving of such sacrifice those people could be. Or more exactly how underserving Jiang Waying is. But he does not care to follow that line of thinking because it is against the rules to think so poorly of another sect Leader.
He should feel ashamed to think himself so important in Wei Ying’s life, but it wouldn’t be enough for him to feel obligated to accept something as deviant as being an open cut sleeve just because he cares about Wangji, and it wouldn’t be right. He wants him to sincerely return his feelings, but who would accept such disgrace.
If he feels he owns him something for helping him solve Meng Yaos plot, he’ll never ask for anything. Wei Ying should stop feeling guilty, especially about this because firstly, it was the right thing to do, and second because everything he did was because he wanted.
He wanted to absolve Wei Ying’s reputations, because he wanted him to stop feeling guilty for things that happened so many years ago and weren't even his fault to begin with.
Even before knowing the whole truth, he suspected for years that something or someone had played a hidden evil hand. He spends years questioning his own memories, questioning what everyone accepted as facts and truths, because his heart told him, it always told him that Wei Ying was not the evil person they invented in their twisted minds.
It was then that he noticed that this was the last scroll he needed to prepare to send, so he put out the heating lamp and put aside his official seal, he didn’t stop to clean it as it was his routine and just put it on his sleeve pocket on his haste to reunite with his family.
He didn’t run, but he speed walked on the empty corridors until he arrived. Once he opened the door, he was greeted with a sight that made his heart ache.
Many years ago, when Sizhui was still a child, a fragile little thing that clung to his robes. He would catch colds in the winter. He was from warmer lands, and even if he never was raised on them, something in him always made him unprepared for long chilly winters. It was true even after he stopped being underfeed and was getting round rosy cheeks.
He would lay in bed, while Wangji spend the night rubbing his back with medicinal herbs and would sing him lullabies. It would be just the two of them by the candle lights, with warm coils burning on the stove. It would get warmer and warmer, but he still felt a cold inside his chest and ribcage, creeping up and down his scarred back, an empty heartbeat, the pang of lost.
Something would whisper on his ear Wei Ying’s name, and how needed he was. How he missed him. He wanted to say to him. What I am doing? Why I am doing this without you? What I am doing with your child?
He would imagine a life where Wei Ying was with them, so close to the image that greet him now, that he felt like that dream was finally true.
Wei Ying was on the floor, lightly petting Sizhui hair and whispering sweet things.
He noticed him then, and the spell broke, and the mirage that mixed reality and hopes fell apart. Wei Ying smiled tiredly and raised from his place to invite him to sit with him by the table.
“How is he doing?”
“It's not getting worse....”
“Do they know something now?”
“They do...” he sighed. “It's a curse. I already questioned Lan Jingyi about it. But he just told me he had no idea, he said nothing was amiss, nothing had gone wrong on their last night hunt. He noticed nothing weird.”
“He wouldn’t...” he sighed.
“Hes not very observant, I agree, that why I drilled him with questions, even force him to tell me an hourly account of their trip, and there was something”
He nodded expectingly.
“Some strange looking lady tried to sell them flowers by the road. When they didn’t, she became erratic and tried to.... offer them a different...kind of flower....”
He frowned.
Wei Ying laughed. “Yeah, she offered to sleep with them for a piece of silver. When they said no, she tried to hug them, Jingyi pushed her off of course, but Sizhui being as kind as he is, tried to help her go to the next town, but she pushed him, screamed and ran to the woods. They thought she was just a very poor crazy woman and brush it off....”
“Thats not unusual”
“It is not unusual although very sad, but it’s the only thing that came to my attention...everything else was as they said, just a normal night hunt.”
“What kind of curse”
“The slow one at least, it's obvious he was pinched with a needle on the neck, its going down...” he said looking at the table. “We have a lead now, it's better than nothing”
“umm” he agreed.
“We should depart at the earliest”
“Why not tonight?”
Wei Ying smiled sadly. “He was....he was asking for his dad....”
Wangji’s hands clenched and all the air in his lungs was pushed out and let him breathless
“You really are his father....” he said.
“He called me that when he was little until Uncle stopped him. I let him do it when were alone....”
“I was a little hurt Hanguan-Jun. You stole my child....” He sounded truly sad.
“He’s....he’s yours too”
“But he was asking for you...his father”
“Because.....you are his mother”
That made Wei Ying laughs and wipe the sadness out of his eyes.
“So shameless!” he keeps laughing. “waiting all these years to deliver such a punch line Hanguan Jun. Your sense of humor is twisted and no one would think it of his excellency”
He could feel his lips pushing to fight the smile carried by his laughter
“I suppose I dig my own grave with that one Lan Zhan” he keeps with a light teasing smile. “But I did say I was...And I want to spend the night here if you don’t mind”
“I don’t, Theres blankets on the trunk”
He stood up to retrieve them and put them on the floor by the bed. He put another set besides the one already on the floor.
“What?, is his excellency spending the night on the floor”
“umm” he nodded.
“But Lan Zhan, the floor is uncomfortable, you should go to your bed”
“I'm not” he simply said to avoid the argument.
Wei Yings shoulders dropped in defeat and only prepare himself to sleep by striping of his outer layer. He gave him privacy by turning his back and doing the same before laying side by side on the floor.
“He looks peaceful, they gave him tea to sooth him and ease the symptoms.”
He looked at the youth and Wei Ying smiled sadly.
“He still looks so young even if he is becoming a man in everyone's eyes. But early today he looked as when he was little and was so tired, he got crackly before his nap. I could tell he wanted to stick his fingers on his mouth”
He smiled gently. “It was hard to break him out of that habit”
“I can imagine. Were you harsh on him?”
Wangji frowned and said “no”
“Well, I was a little bit, I was not in the best place, and sometimes I was so tired, and so angry with the world. And he was just a child, he didn’t know better, he was lonely and wanted to play. I regret snaping at him”
“He missed you too”
“I Thought he didn’t remember much”
“He doesn't now. But the first days he would ask for you in his feverish state, Lan Huan sleep with him but he cried until he was allowed to stay with me”
“Such a little manipulator he was”
“It was because he didn’t recognize this place, or those people”
“Yeah, I bet he was sad”
“Um” he nodded. “Didn't ask only for you, he wanted all his family back”
“I'm really sorry he had to experience that, I could have done more, or the right thing...I keep thinking what could I have done different”
“Pointless, can't change the past”
“I know, but I can't forget, is a burden I must carry if nothing else. It was a mistake; I shall live with the regret”
“Stop blaming yourself, what does that accomplish?”
“Aiyooo” he said. “I know you are right, but I can't help myself, I can't just forget you know, and when you remember something, you always get to wonder what if....”
“Then find solace in the fact, that he survived, and he was cared for, looked after”
“I do that too. I'm so grateful you took him in, he couldn’t have ended in better hands, he was seriously lucky, you didn’t just give him a chance, you gave him a whole new better life, he wouldn't have ended such a fine gentleman with me and with his family even if they had survived”
“Would have offered him an education in Gusu Lan anyway”
Wei Ying smiled softly. “I'm sure you would have, the way you looked at him that day in Yilling. I know the look of a mother hen when I see one. You wanted to gift him the world, feed him until he got fat, and teach him manners, am glad you still got to do it in the end”
“And yet...I couldn't even save Wei Ying, the person he needed the most”
“Lan Zhaaaan, stop, stop!. Alright, we already said Theres no point in regret, I won't do it, if you don’t either. In fact, we already made a pact about it, no more regrets. That was then, but this is now. We have to solve this, I'm here now, I can't lose him, this is entirely different..., he’s...he’s ours”
“Ours...” he said in affirmation.
“It's almost nine, we should sleep, we have a long way tomorrow. We have to find this mysterious crazy hugger in the woods.”
“Um” he nodded and closed his eyes.
It took just a few moments for his routine and his command to take over his body, but while he waited. He relished in the fact, that the room was warm, that he could hear two sets of breathings in rhythm. The room was lived in. No more emptiness. No more cold.
+2+
Lan Wangji woke up before first call. Lately, he found himself awake before he was due. It might be the stress of the job; he did have too many responsibilities that took his days away and didn’t allow his mind to rest at night. Much less the pleasure of meditation.
It might also be an age thing. He heard from uncle that it happened to him too around this age. It was a strange notion that the mind, still felt the passage of time even if his cultivation didn’t allow his body to age in a normal rate.
He looked young; his strength still was that of a young man. And yet, time did come to pass. Sizhui was the more affected by it. There where once lay a baby, now was an adolescent. But when he looked at Wei Ying peaceful sleeping, he still saw the young man he was when he died...
At first it was shock to see him as if not a single day had passed. But it had, Wangji himself didn’t look more than twenty-nine. Even if he was already thirty-five. But Wei Ying looked so young still.
But he couldn't be considered naïve, he saw too much, suffered too much to be a child. He was just barely older than Sizhui, but he lived a whole life time over. As they sleep like this, they looked like two young brothers, so precious and innocent wrapped by their dreams.
He felt old, tired and alone inside way before he meet Wei Ying at seventeen. But as soon as he stormed into his life, Wei Ying provoked the child on his soul. How much he wanted to be free, playful. He wanted to chase him, to joke and laugh. Run as fast as he wanted, rules be dammed.
He didn’t get to do that at the end of those days. But he did run behind his memories, after his retreating back on his own dreams, chasing him and never being able to hear him or touch him. Oh how much he missed him. How much he wished he had the courage to do all he wanted before it was too late.
And now that he was back, he still couldn’t be with him, because he couldn't chase him anymore. How unfair it was. To have waited so long and still don't have what he wanted. Even it was the facsimile of just being in his company.
He should have been a child when he could, because now he was a true man and responsibilities couldn’t be thrown away, he can't justify in younthness his actions or his wants. If he had chance with him, I would have been years away, he could have a stolen a kiss and pass it off as ignorant imprudence and improperty, he might have been forgiven. Be excused with it, and say he didn’t know better.
Wei Ying might have even returned it then.
But now he does. He does know better and how inappropriate it is.
But he wants....he wants so much.
As he sees Wei Ying sleeping. His whole soul plays a different tune. Lust tights his fist around him, and he burns ardently with desire.
Every time, every single time Wei Yings calls him “Lan-er-gege". He’s no listening the innocent way a young man calls an elder. Oh no. All he hears is the tilt a shameless woman uses to seduce a man.
The way it sounds as a beckoning call to her bedchamber. And he knows Wei Ying is only teasing, only playing with him.
He never stopped trying to make him play with him. But how can he answer in jester, when these things provoke the man in him? He should be ashamed, and he is.
But he can't help himself. He drinks the image of rosy lips, soft skin and messy black hair. His long beautiful eyelashes. Even if he is a proper man, he still looks delicate, soft in young masculinity.
He wants to destroy the person lucky enough to have him, even if it is a woman or man. Even if is only just an idea. Because he knows there's no such person lurking on his life. Or maybe he just doesn't want to think there is. Wei Ying hasn’t spoken of anyone new on his letters.
Wei Yings writes him about people yes, but as always is in a disinterest rude manner, sometimes he can't even remember the name of the people he just meet. No one has cached his attention.
He really doesn't want to see it happen. Same as the day Lan Sizhui began noticing women and he felt pride and fear in equal measures. Pride, because he was so gentle, and one day he would be happy knowing love. And afraid because he was already mourning his child. The innocent chubby baby he wrapped on blankets and allowed to sleep on his shoulder.
However, he can't decide what is the appropriated feeling regarding Wei Ying and the concept that one day, he might be with someone he wants. It hurts to think about it. To imagine him so happy and in love.
And it makes him angry to feel this way, what claim does he have? -- none, and truly Wei Ying deserves all the happiness he can get on his second chance. He suffered and sacrificed enough; he deserves everything.
Wangji let his chance go, and he has to suffer those consequences.
Wei Ying is far away and so close. Hes right here just a foot apart. If he extends his hand, he can touch, and he is tempted. His fingers ache with the desire to feel his warm presence. Instead, he coils his fist tightly.
+3+
When he comes back with a light breakfast, Wei Ying is already on his feet, already scribbling away in parchment an assortment of talismans.
“I may need them” he says as an explanation while he finishes with the ink and hastily moves the paper away to make room. “Lan Zhan....” he says and Wangji looks up from the plates. But he is pointing to the bed, where Sizhui is awake with half lidden eyes.
He goes to him and puts a hand over his forehead. He’s warm with a light fever.
“How are you feeling?” he still asks.
Sizhui moans.
“That good uh?” jokingly answers Wei Ying while he sits on the bed.
“A- diē” he moans. But his eyes aren't fixed on one of them, they go from one to the other, making unclear to whom he calls.
“We are here A-Yuan" says Wei Ying. “Here, Lan Zhan got you sweet soup, you still like it right?”
He can feel the tiny smile taking over his lips.
“Bába.... a- diē....” says Sizhui raising his hand shakily, Wangji takes it.
“yes...” says Wangji. “Bába wants to give you soup, be a good child”
A-Yuan nods feverish, Wei Yings eyes are shinning like the ponds in Yummeng, but he gathers the strength to feed A-Yuan the soup and the tea before the boy falls sleep again.
“I hope he doesn't get upset if he doesn't find us the next time he wakes”
“I’ll made sure his cousin is here to keep his company”
“We better hurry with this task then, it pains me to depart”
They rushed with their breakfast even if it is against the rules, but it's just the two of them and really, that is one unrealistic rule. Life can get so fast at times, that chewing trughly can wait for more placid times.
By noon they have covered several li of distance, he can see Wei Ying has regained much needed strength in the last months. But by meal time, they decide to make a quick stop at an Inn to eat.
“Oh no, I'm just power walking” says Wei Ying when he tells him what he thinks. “I gained a little weight, but I'm not near as strong as before. I don’t think I’ll ever will, especially since I'm relaying in talismans rathe that demonic cultivation. But the pshyquical weakness is here to stay, I'm just a normal guy, takes me ages to reach my destinations”
“It will do no good if Wei Ying tires excessively then” he says. “I should acquire horses”
“Well, it will be even faster, and as ashamed as it makes me feel, it would be helpful"
“Theres no shame in admitting weakness”
“But I don’t want to become a burden for anyone”
“Wei Ying is no burden”
“So, you say, but you have to admit it makes things awkward with the sects, having me around and bothering such a stemmed cultivator like yourself”
“They are the ones who should be ashamed of being burdens, because they are...all the time”
Wei Ying laughs deep. “Such a burden Lan Zhan, I can't even...; some of those men can even wipe their asses without assistance”
“It's been very troublesome, but I can't just....”
“I know” cuts Wei Ying with a tired smile. “They do need you....”
“I rather be traveling.... like this...with you” he says lowering his eyes because he can't stop the furious beating of his heart.
Wei Ying laughs awkwardly. “It doesn’t think you’ll like it, I'm sure you would be bored by me pretty soon”
“I really can't imagine that....”
“Of course, no, with men like clan leader Yao and Ouyang lowering the intelligence of a room”
“So, you do know it happens the opposite when you are in it?” He sneaks a glance and Wei Ying is fumbling with his cup and blushing.
“I suppose, if you put it like that, then yes, yes of course I am better company”
“Then your presence can't be called a burden”
“Lan Zhan, politics make you very....” he fishes for a word, but keeps opening and closing his mouth. “Flirty...”
As soon as he says it, Lan Zhan feels the warmth creeping up and up, until he also knows he has blushed. But also, the victory of it. Feeling like he did something right, like he won, he feels satisfaction. He feels accomplishment. But like an addict, his body craves the attention with powerful intention, like a possession of the mind. He wants more of it.
“You are being very talkative now”
He huffs a quiet laugh. “Couldn't stop them from arguing unless I found witty responses to shup them up”
“But you had always being witty with your remarks. It something else, you aren't minding your words.”
He thinks about it, and its true on some level. Being acting sect Leader, and Chief cultivator, has forced him to talk more than he is comfortable, it's not on his nature, but things weren't get done, and frosty commands and final decisions made the sect leaders feel like he was becoming an evil overlord, they hadn't felt threatened by Meng Yao at all. Not even once even if he was a true devil mal.
Nie Huaisang had given him an unsolicited advice, but that it turned out it really was helpful.
He would never be like his brother, who had a sweet and kind disposition. But it turned out that if he explained things more and engaged in conversation more, the sect leaders had a very different disposition.
But he was by no means, a flirty leader. It was just Wei Ying.
It was like a broken dam, and words and feelings were leaking tru the cracks. He needed to...express this warm thing on his chest, it wanted to get out.
“Just with you” he clarified once again, not controlling himself or his feelings.
“Whatever it is. I can't say I'm displeased.” He smiles. “You are witty and intelligent and funny! I would love to see you in session”
“You should come”
“I don't think the leaders would appreciate it like you do, would make them angry. And It would make me angry if they say something stupid”
“You still should come. Things are getting settled, and they could see you are in no way a treat, and you know I would never...turn my back on you”
“I know you wouldn't, you haven't done it since I returned, I'm not even sure if you ever did, even in the past. Maybe I was too stupid to see it, but you have always been on my side, and it makes me happier than I can describe. For that reason, I can't cause trouble to you...”
“Theres no trou...”
“Let's get going Lan Zhan, we have yet a long road ahead”
It feels like punch to the gut, disappointment grips him hard. He lowers his eyes and nods.
They do acquire horses. And as soon as they hit the road outside of town, Wei Ying speeds the horse freely. He can see his satisfied smile when he shouts.
“This is an upgrade of that stupid lovely donkey!!”
Wei Ying knows how to ride with elegance and with power, he is good at it, like he is good in a lot of other gentlemanly arts. And it is a beautiful visage, seeing him riding into the sunset.
But as beautiful as he is, it still feels like Wangji is running behind his back, like he’s always dragging his feet in a race. Following at close heals, but never enough. Fingers brushing mere seconds before his hands slips and he falls, until he is lost forever.
Slow down Wei Ying.
Please slow down...he wants to say.
Let me catch up, let me adjust my grip, don’t slip.
+4+
They arrive to their destination by night fall, in the morning they’ll have to ride a few li more before reaching the forest, but it doesn't make sense to keep going, whatever the woman in the woods is hiding. They wouldn’t find her at night. The forest has too many foliage, and there's lots of places a soul can hide during the night.
But the Inn in town is overcrowded and they only have a room for both of them. It's no trouble really, they have camped and sleep in shared rooms before.
Only it is a problem now, because Wangji has been feeling.....
He’s been feeling like his heart wants to come out of his chest. Like it wants to jump out of his ribcage. Like he can't breath a second longer, the feeling beats wildly out of his cage of control.
And it hurts, it hurts so much, because he wants, he wants so much.
So close and so far, away, and his shoulders feel heavy loaded with despair. He just wants to hug him, feel him alive, touch his warmth with the tips of his fingers. But he knows it won't be just that.
It stopped being enough seeing him from afar. But It would never be enough, if he touches him, he would crave it, he would desire. He wouldn’t be able to control it.
He thought he could control those feelings, because it became obvious why he couldn’t be with him. Why he couldn’t force this feeling on him.
He promised himself that as long as Wei Ying was alive and happy or content. As long as he was in no danger. He was happy and content too.
But it is a lie.
And the pain, the sorrow, the despair feels as big as mourning his death once felt, maybe even worse, because he’s right there with a brilliant smile.
He feels like he is falling, but the wrong way, the desperation, the frustration. Those kinds of feelings are the kind that make a good man turn bad.
He’s shaking with it, and he is ready to renounce everything, just for the chance to have him. Ready to let the sects destroy themselves. Sick and tired of their petty disputes. He feels compelled to even renounce his family, abandon his brother in time of need, just for a chance to be with Wei Ying.
But he is better than this. Wei Ying wouldn't even want him is he ever did such a traitorous thing. They promised to be good, to do justice and good deeds to the world.
And yet....he is angry.
Why does destiny take this from him?
This only thing he wants and needs, and it's not even the flesh sexual act what he wants. He has no desire to force him, it's not his desire to be with him skin against skin.
Although it is too.
But he wants so much more than just that. He’s burning with the desire to be with him when he goes to bed, when he wakes up in the morning, he wants to be there when he laughs, when he gets melancholic about the past. He wants to be the guardian of his dreams, and the protector during his nightmare's.
He just wants to be there for all of it for the rest of his life.
And then so more in the next and the next, and the next. Because it pains him to imagine another lifetime so far away from his very soulmate.
Red string and knot around his core, soul, and heart.
It's unfair.
+++5+++
By dinner time, his fingers felt cold, his chest hollow, empty, throbbing with each breath.
“Hanguan-Juan, why are you so upset, Sizhui will be fine”
“um” he nods and drinks from his cup of tea.
“Ayooo!” he says “Who killed your rabbits?”
“No one, they are safe back....home” he struggles with the last word.
Can it still be called a home? Empty rooms and empty bed? It was not one when a little child cried at night. He can't decide if the ghostly echoes of the cries are his or A-Yuan's. But Gusu Lan sometimes feels like the broken abandoned nest a family of birds left behind.
“I think you are being over worked” he says casually. “Or something big is on your mind”
“There is...” he says. “I might just say it now....”. Because really, some part of the pain is not knowing if there is chance.
“Alright, whatever it is, I'll help you, because you should know I got your back too”
“We should be cultivation partners”
Wei Ying looks surprised for a moment, he wasn't expecting that, but then he begin laughing
“See!, you are funny!”
“I'm not joking”
“Of course, you are, are I expected to believe that you, his revered Chief Cultivator wants to...to...cultivate with the likes of me?”
“Yes”
Wei Ying scoffs “If it is a joke, I must ask you to stop, you damn well know I can't cultivate”
“It is not, Wei Ying....I....I....”
His eyes go soft. “I see... I didn't want to say anything about that, but I recon this can't go on any longer. I'm not as clueless as everyone thinks me to be”
“I know you aren't. I know you sometimes walk faster”
Wei Ying bites his lips and he goes serious. Hes talking with the Yilling Patriarch and that scares him. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut. He might have ruined this friendship.
“You do know that being with me is an act of selfishness I can't allow? The cultivation worlds need you. And I can tell it would be very disappointed if you did something like this. I know you want to help me recover by cultivating, but It won't even work, why bother?”
“If I can't be allowed to be with my soul mate even if the cultivating doesn’t work, then what is the point of cultivating? What is the point of this whole lifetime? What is the point of leading the cultivating sects? “
Wei Ying snorts. “Such a romantic you are”
Wangji didn’t know if he should be offended.
“It's too much trouble even if your intentions are good. Gusu Lan won't just open his arms to me, your brother and uncle...”
“I'm acting sect leader. Xichen is not coming out of seclusion, and I expect it will take him a long time, as for my uncle. He might be disappointed, but not entirely surprised. He asks about your whereabouts often”
“Yeah, because he wants to know when the devil it's in theirs mist”
“Because he knows I care. He may never trust you, but he knows I do. And sometimes, you have to make do with the situation”
“And what about the other sect leaders”
Wangji frowned. “Smaller sects will cave to the bigger ones and their opinions can and are influenced easily. The bigger ones. One is your nephew, whom I know you spend considerable time with, and the other is your brother, you are avoiding him, but I can tell he just acting angrier because he wants you to contact him”
“Thats Jiang Cheng for you, but how have you gained this understanding of him?”
“Is it really that difficult to understand a man that expresses everything with anger?”
“I suppose not that difficult, or different to understand as yourself, a man that expresses everything with a calm stoic face, here we are after all, expressing our feelings in such a matter, I should be offended, you should be more romantic than this”
“Does Wei Ying want to know about what I feel when I see him? about my racing heart, about how much happiness it brings me? about how much I missed him for years and years?”
Wei Ying blushed. “No, no, stop, I thought I could take it, but I don’t"
“um” he nodded and felt the disappointment.
“You miss understand. I... feel very deeply for you too, but this not about what we feel for each other. I do know. I knew that night before the temple. And I though....”
Wangji closed his eyes.
“But the world.....”
“I know”
“I did so much wrong”
“You didn’t.... everyone makes mistakes, but they weren't born out of evil intentions. They weren't plotted and malicious, they never were, and the world knows this”
“They know, but they aren't going to stop being hypocrites and judgmental. How are you going to maintain such an important position, with me hanging from your arm?”
“Then I don’t care anymore.”
“What about our son?”
“He can remain with my uncle. But I gladly would quit and travel the lands. It is our promise to each other. How many years have to pass, before we fulfil it?, How many years are we supposed to wait? I can't...not anymore. Wei Ying is my soulmate”
Wei Ying sighed. “I thought this was going to end sooner too. Less than a year, but they are so clueless, like a pack of children, making and making the same mistakes”
“Then we have to solve it in other ways. We might never agree with the current leaders Wei Ying. But you are an excellent teacher, and you have been taking unofficial hunting trips with the boys of every clan. And the leaders constantly bring this fact to my attention. I think that if you officially joined Gusu Lan Clan, this wouldn’t be a worrying matter anymore, you would have expressed permission to do it”
“And how do I join Gusu Lan?”
“Marry me...”
Wei Ying looks surprised. “you mean...besides cultivating together you want to....not as...platonic soul mates...”
“As husbands”
“With kissing and everything?”
“Everything....”
“Bed sharing?”
“Everything”
“Clan allowance?!”
“Everything”
“Fucking?”
“Yes”
“Oh....”
His heart beat faster and faster and he’s getting light headed, it was not an answer yet.
“Can't say I expected that...you hide it very well...”
“umm” he hums' disappointed.
“So, I wonder if you are as passionate with this in action, as you are with everything else. You are a man of actions, not words...”
He looks into his eyes. They are shinning with mirth.
“Wei Ying might like to find out”
“He might indeed...” he smiled fully. “But seriously are you really sure you want us to be....so publicly together?”
“I'm not ashamed of what I desire, I want Wei Ying as my husband and Sizhui as our son”
“You are being very shameless” he smiled softly. “And... I'm happy. Glad. I do want to be with you, but I need to know you are completely sure you want this”
“I do, with all my passion, with all my hopes for the future. I never wanted to be chief cultivator in the first place. I did it because it seemed the right thing to do. But I can't go on without you anymore, its drowning me, it's killing me, I'm tired and alone, and I can't be apart from you a single day more. They either accept what you mean to me, or they can destroy themselves however they see fit”
“You are so sure...and I....”
“I understand....you want pace, you don’t want to go back to those clowns and jesters”
“I just don’t want to cause more trouble, it frightens me, politics....people's opinions, it has scarred me, it was so horrible last time, I did everything wrong, didn’t save the people I loved, I'm so afraid of failing you”
“Take your time thinking about it. I too need to know Wei Ying is sure to accept me and my responsibilities.”
“Thats a bit unfair. Makes me look like the bad guy. If I don’t go back to Gusu with you, you want to quit your job, how can I steal you all to myself, you know that doesn't settle with me, and this fear I feel.....”
“I don’t need a big position to keep our promise. And I do want to settle with you. We gave them too much before. And I know now what I might lose....I don’t want to lose you ever again....”
They both submerged into a contemplative state, only interrupted by the noise of the overcrowded Inn. When it was time to retire. Wei Ying made a big fuzz about the bed. But then again, he always did.
This time tho, it was different. A soon as the candle was blown. Wei Ying moved close enough to touch. Close enough to be held in his arms.
It felt so right, Wangji couldn't think of ever sleeping apart from him again. He was older now, so he knew that often, what people said it was wrong, it wasn’t actually. It was just misunderstood. And what people thought to be harmless, it often was.
He was not a youngster easily swayed into believing a set of hard rules and supposed truths.
People would always talk, they would whisper, they would plot. But being with this man, no matter what they tough or said. It was not wrong.
What felt wrong was to keep them apart.
If a good man can be driven into perdition, he thought this was his edge cliff.
And he’s sure to jump.
++6++++
Next morning, before sunset, they departed from the Inn in search of the hugger of the woods.
“Let's go this way, there's a stream nearby. And I believe a starved woman would set camp near it, it’s a very plentiful place, been there fishing too”
“umm”
“Hanguan-Jun, please don’t be disappointed if I can't be so sure to answer your kind attentions”
“I'm not. It is a serious matter”
“Of course, and there's also that our son is in pain”
“Must hurry”
“I'm serious, It's not that I don’t want.....its just....I feel fear, I feel so tired too, some days I feel like I can't love anymore. I feel that if I lose a single person on my life, it would break me again, everything would be dark”
“I'm here for you”
“And sometimes I wished you weren't....it's painful to think about, but the fear I have of losing you sometimes keeps me awake at night. Sometimes I dream my sister, and sometimes I dream it's you whose death I provoke. I...I feel so empty without you, but I keep thinking that I can't do this. I can't do it anymore”
Wangji stopped walking and felt his heart shattering.
He knew like an abstract concept that Wei Ying had lost so much, and that his pains and ghost would always be with him. But hearing him say these things, made him feel like he failed him. Like he was not enough to protect him. Like once again he couldn’t do a single thing to stop him.
Maybe he shouldn’t.
When they were younger, he tried and tried to stop him from suffering and that made him go away.
But then, what was he supposed to do?
“Lan Zhan...” he begins. But stops abruptly.
From the foliage, a needle sails the air. Wei Ying’s talisman stops it. A furious scream is heard and in just a matter of seconds, Wangji takes his sword and takes a stance.
The woman comes out of the shadows. Shes as described, a shabby dirty woman with crazed gaze.
“Why are you attacking people?!!” screams Wei Ying full of anger, Chenqing on his hands.
“Not people, just you!” she rages and storms in his direction.
No time to think about it. Wangji sways his sword to stop her. The woman to his surprise, takes a sword out of a shahs on her back just in time to stop him from cutting her in half.
They dance around, taking blows and stopping deathly hits. Shes no joking around, she truly wants to kill them, no explanation.
“WHY?” screams Wei Ying throwing more talismans than what Wangji can track, but she is so much experienced than expected.
She is definitely a cultivator, but her face is not one he remembers
“Who in this land does not want to kill you, Wei Wuxian?, haven't you killed enough people to warrant a revenge?”
“Too many to count!”, he says angered. “But I'm asking why did you attack my son?”
“Lan Wangji son!” she screams and, in her rage, she nicks him on the face. He frowns and looks at her feet.
He’s seen that before.
As soon as he thinks he seen it before, he knows where he’s seen it before. DeJa'Vu.
“This are Gusu Lan techniques, badly done.”
“Shup up!” she screams. “Bastard, fucking bastard, you got the gall to tell me that to my face”
Wei Ying stops long enough to examine her, then he throws into the battle again, dancing in the way the Yummeng Jiang Sect does when in defensive attack, but he does not carry a sword with him anymore. And just dances around, his back glued to his, as the woman desperately moves in look of an opening.
But with Wei Ying guarding his back, they both moving in tandem to the sound of an erratic dark melody. The restless souls in the woods come, ghostly lights in the shape of screaming faces.
No human voice's, empty expression forever etched in agony. Their voices are the cruel screams of the ghost flute.
She keeps the pace, never underestimate the power of anger and the thirst of revenge. And of course, never understimate a Gusu technique even when badly performed. But in the end, she slows down her attacks.
Shes starved, she's tired.
“Why do you want this revenge?!” grunts Wei Ying with the effort.
“Because I swearer to kill you both, that child too, if I could, and the opportunity presented itself”
“What did we do?!”
She roars and moves quicker in one more powerful blow. Shes erratic and she stumbles and yet, she still grazes him in the arm and then very nearly gives Wei Ying a poke. But because he thinks Wei Ying has too many scars. He moves lighting fast and shoves her out.
She falls to the ground with a hard hit. She bleeds from the deep wound he gave her on the shoulder. She hisses.
“Enough is enough” says Wei Ying. “I’ll give you one chace to break my sons curse. Or I'll kill you”
“I won't do it!” she grunts.”
“I'm just fine with it. Some people a better off this world”
“Why couldn’t you stay dead?”
“I don’t know what business I have with you, so you shouldn’t care about mine”
“Underserving bag of dirt” she spats. “You!..... you two!,..you killed my husband”
They both understand then.
“Who?” asks Wei Ying.
Ok, maybe just Wangji understands, but he can't blame him.
“Su she...” he says ending the mystery.
“Who?, ah?!, wait....that guy was married? and to a formidable cultivator?”
She begins laughing. “You ended my life. He was my world. We were very happy”
“He took wrong choices and bad turns” Wangji says. “He was a lying traitor”
Her laughter turns into crying. “Yes....but I loved him”
“You can still turn around, it's not late, whatever he might have done, your life should be spared. You can love again if you wish”
“As if...” she says looking at Wangji. “As if one can have more than a soul mate on one lifetime, you should know Lan Wangji”
He does. It is sometimes impossible. It's so rare to find even one. He can't imagine ever finding another soulmate. Not in the way Wei Ying is to him. He has never doubted that their fates are tied by romantic love from another lifetimes.
A tie so strong can only mean a wife or a husband. Otherwise, his lust is not necessary. Fate could have them as friends, as brothers, as any other thing. But he was born into a cut sleeve to make it work.
“Then its better if you go meet him soon” he says. Because he honestly thinks it's a mercy.
When Wen Ying was lost to him, he considered the possibility of just going after him. Another chance in another place, in another timeline.
He did not, because of their child. Said child was sick and hurting. And that made him pause. If he had given up, he might miss Wei Ying’s return.
“Do you have a keepsake of him?”
“No” she closes her eyes. “We couldn’t....”
“Then why did you hold on? if you don’t have...hope” he asks.
“Revenge is a hope” she says with frown. “Because I promised him at his grave”
“Thats bad...” Wei Ying says. “No matter what he did, he took some Karma he would have to repair later. And if you do more damage, you’ll lose your chance to meet him again, too busy repairing your own wrong doings”
“I don’t care anymore”
Wei Ying sighed. “Then....we.”
She scoffed. “Fuck you....I hate you so much, but the mere thought of ever seeing you again even if I don't know it's you, it's disgusting. I don't want to ever cross fates with you, I’ll let the boy live, but you better kill me, I'm done”
“I don’t want to do you wrong either” said Wei Ying slumping his shoulders.
“Coward” she said. She removed a wooded box out of her sleeve and the putrid remains of a heart were inside filled with needles and ribbons. She untied them all. “He should get better...” she sighed. “You are a such bastards, and I hope one day, you feel this pain again”
She took a dagger out and ended herself. The splatter covered the ground. Wei Ying flinched and looked away as she struggled for breath.
And that was the end of that.
+++7++++
The journey back was peaceful and quiet. Both of them too worried to resume their talk. They needed to know that Sizhui was safe.
But also, the woman's words were etched into their minds.
It sat heavily and unsaid.
++8++++
When they arrived at Gusu, they were informed that Sizhui was getting better. When they visited him, he was awake and full of questions.
Wangji still needed to reprimand him about the incident.
“Be more careful, be more vigilant. Some people would always look to do you harm, just because who your parents are....”
“You mean....”
“I feel responsible for you A-Yuan, when I joke and say I am like a mother to you, what I really mean is that I do love you like a son, I always did. You were so small...” Wei Ying says. “I'm sorry that would make your life harder. But I don’t regret it. Loving you as a father”
The boy blushed and nodded. “Thats...more than I can hope for and deserve, honestly”
“Nonsense, you are a sweet kid”
“I’ll be more careful from now on. It honestly passed my attention. I didn’t feel when she prickled me, but I should have checked out as soon as I felt it, it was just like a bug bite as the days passed”
“Yes, you should inform us at once whenever you feel something out of the ordinary. Your father is the chief cultivator and head of Gusu Lan after all. You are too burdened by us, but also, very, very loved”
“I will!” he says earnestly. Wangji feels a deep warm on his chest.
Even if they aren't husbands in the future, they still are fathers together.
+9+++
After two more days of rest, Sizhui is allowed to stand from the bed. They let him sit on the garden outside the infirmary, he sits on a warmed patch of grass. The sun over his head, book in hand.
Wangji and Wei Ying sit on the shaded porch of the budling drinking tea in pace.
It's very, very peaceful, and exactly what he needed. Those days are blurred with quiet happiness. A vacation of sorts to him.
“He shouldn’t stay in the sun to long unless he gets a hat” comments Wei Ying.
“um” he agrees.
“This feels too domestic”
“um?” he asks
“the three of us.... sitting here as time passes. I know it can't be like this all the time, but this stolen moment is perfect”
Wangji looks over at Sizhui and agrees.
“Maybe we should get another one....”
“Another one?...” he asks confused.
“Another child...” he smiles. “Just to keep stealing moments like this....”
He grunts a small smile.
“We could do that. Adopt another child in need. Educate him”
“Yes...”
“Because no one would bat an eyelash if we are married all good and proper”
Wangji looks quickly at him.
“Yeah...” Wei Ying smiles. “That woman made me think. It's true that soulmates are a rare gift from fate. This is my chance to be with you. Who knows when would I get the chance of finding you again? You are the one for me, we have known this since when were young. As an adult I can't deny that I was born for you. I have done too much damage, and I will be expected to repay all my wrong doings, I'm sure we’ll find each other again, but that’s a problem I don’t have right now”
“What about your fears?”
“Can it really get any worse than what has happened? I'm sure I won't be all very peaceful like this. I'm sure it would be hard and sometimes dark. But you are a light to me. You don’t have to run after me anymore. I'm done running. And I believe it is my time to sit beside you and wait. I’ll wait until you are done with whatever you need to do, and then, when we both are free with our time. We could do anything we want. And besides, I do have a knack for teaching”
Wangji took his hand.
“I’ll be a great life” said Wei Ying with a smile. An Wangji knew then, that it was true.
The race was over, but they’ll kelp walking beyond the finishing line.