#almost 40

[k-i-l-l-e-r-b-e-e-6-9]

☣️☢️💀

[verba-amoris]

...and that age is 40 (as of tomorrow).

I won't be posting much of me anymore, I'll still have a queue and my inbox is always open, I'll reply when I can 💖🙏 having taken a break very few people noticed and that says everything.

If you want to buy me a drink for my birthday (as many of you asked) this is my kofi 🫶 it's not expected but if you do, thank you ☺️ add your tumblr name and I'll reach out.

[ellewantsrevenge]

gender journaling

surface level, nothing in my life has changed since i came out as nonbinary about 7 months ago. beneath the surface, there is a level of calm and peace regarding my body, appearance and presentation that i don't know if i've ever felt before

there is a freedom in burning the boxes i forced myself to fit in and dancing in the flames

i'd always felt like i was cosplaying being a woman. i didn't mind being a girl/woman or identified as one, but i didn't necessarily feel like one. i was terrifed of people calling me out for not being a girl. i didn't realize until recently that those fears were manifestations of my knowledge that i was not a girl like all the other girls

i like skirts and dresses and a lot of the energy i embody feels feminine so no one understood when i brought up these feelings, which i don't fault them for. i had difficulty conveying myself clearly (and still do) in regards to my gender identity both in the context of my life and the world as a whole

there is a freedom now in viewing my body as just a body that i affix any gender meaning to. it's not that i expect women to look a certain way but i expected that if i were a woman that i wuld look a certain way or feel a certain way

and part of me felt that could have simply been a psychological response to being a woman in the world in general

but if that were the case then i would not know this peace since having this realization and exploring it more with myself

one big thing i've noticed that is different from any other sort of coming out i've had is my relative "chillness" about it. i haven't felt the need to join a ton of spaces or conversations specifically for nonbinary people, i just feel more comfortable in queer spaces in general

[tmrrw1]

For anyone messaging, I don’t have any money or a bank account. I’m hoping the stress of life will do the job sooner rather than later. I have always had crazy experiences that force me to move all around everywhere. It’s exhausting. I have no family. The person I live with is twelve years older than me. We used to be in a relationship for a very short time. Now that is over, we’re just living together, and it is like we’re sisters. Ten years, wonder if we’ll see another ten. Everything feels so up in the air for too many people.

Somehow or another I’m always the light of someone else’s life though. I have a shelter, a bed of my own for the first time ever consistently since I was in middle school. Even back then I still moved around, once high school started it was time to start couch hoping. Lots of people go through worse, I was lucky, privileged even when I knew more pain than most people I knew would, they somehow despite my lack of support still looked at me in a way the same. I ran away from all that into the arms of one person, it worked instead of killing me, but we’ve moved all around the states for one person’s job. It isn’t mine, nothing is mine.

I’m a little like a pet or at least that’s what I think most people always see me as. Someone is always trying to put me in a cage, like a little bird. I get to hear the birds and look out a window I like. My cats are beautiful and happy. I’m definitely in luck not in love, but I’ve seen the tv glow when I was eight. I’ve watched my friends run out the house, because they couldn’t find anything on the end of the door just trying to get in or out. That place could have easily been a nightmare factory, it wasn’t my house. My two best friends at the time, one lived there. I was like a mirror version of the person who ran outside, we were very similar. That was a long time ago, I’m a totally different person now, but for a while I emulated my best friends, because I didn’t know who to be. I needed them to see, got mad when they didn’t believe me. It’s funny, I always leave everyone behind. No family, no friends, but it is that moment I care so much I think it echoes forever.

My protector is always watching me, showing me nothing I do is pointless, letting me know my essence never truly dies and always spreads. Thanks for reading by the way, if you made it this far. I usually feel so watched over all the time, I have essentially no reason to share anything. That is especially true in this day and age where big money alongside data analyzing is done is such a way to specifically target you and sell you back to yourself.

I’ve seen things that have turned me into liquid, made me into a storm, seen events repeat themselves and been ‘intuitive’ for it. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I just keep an open mind. Somewhere between Mulder and Scully.

I have a future with my source of love. It won’t be in this lifetime. What I’ve seen physically can’t happen. I’m not medically capable of going through what I’ve vividly experienced. So I have nothing to worry about missing, it is all just another time. Message me if you want, but I prefer to listen, if you have questions I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not trying to ignore someone with genuine intention. No idle sexy messages here. I will still love you. In return I want nothing. In the end of all this I will be nothing. The nothing princess. Listening to birds sing so beautifully.

~Eris or whoever

[submalevolentgrace]

this is the closest in my whole paying-attention-to-news life that it's ever felt to a nuke actually realistically being launched

[imyourlittlechaos]

I still feel a bit creatively drained from the one-shot I uploaded last week. Tell me why that exhausted me and yet I managed to write a first draft of a novel in roughly seven months.

But my brain is also just spent after the holidays, I think. I can't seem to focus on anything so far today. I just want to go lie on my face in a patch of sunlight until spring.

Anyway, just thoughts. Happy Monday.

Bonus: Pic from my birthday party yesterday. FORTY is imminent (Wednesday is the actual day).

[saturniinne]

31 today❣️

[all-fours]

So this is 37