#ameamaranth vent

[ameamaranth]

holyshit. I... I never thought chibis would be my thing... yet here we are. The first time I did chibi was because I was too lazy to actually draw something and my sister said "oh I didn't know you do chibis now! that's so cute" and I just said "oh it's because I'm just lazy to draw a human" and I really thought drawing chibis would be a one time maybe two time thing. But here we are.

son of a bitch I can only comfortably draw chibis. I'm not saying that's a bad thing don't get me wrong, I like drawing chibis. But it feels weird that the only thing I've been comfortable to make over the past few days are all chibis. I've doodled some some human faces here and there but I couldn't really shade them or do the line art because I never really feel confident. Like I've got basic anatomy semi alright but I just never really feel like I wanna do it. Massive oof.

for the encanto fandom. sorry I kinda got scared with all the cancelling and stuff artists go through and that kinda pushed me out of the fandom ;-;

for the Heathers fandom. Yeah I'll still do Heathers :> my obsession with Hetalia is just really really strong right now.

[ameamaranth]

[ameamaranth]

Politics suck. It's messy and dirty and confusing.

[ameamaranth]

Im sad:(( I want to read some McDuke that don't really have any other ship in the story or if there was, that other ship is a background/minor ship. I kinda want a solo McDuke story :<

[ameamaranth]

I just gotta rant this out real quick.

So I was in class right? Yeah. So I was in class and I'm sitting there trying my best to listen but there just so much shit happening like for example: the tv is blasting Mr. Potato is coming to town, and then someone is cooking and I can smell it, then the birds are chirping and somehow I can hear it despite 3 phones blasting youtube or music or tiktok.

There I was, sitting on the floor, holding my phone, both earphones plugged in, and yet I still noticed all those stuff. My fingers won't stop fidgeting and by attention keeps shifting despite me trying so so hard to listen. Then my teacher called my name and they were like "here read this slide" and I just looked at the slide and I'm like—shit this is hard.

I don't really have a problem with talking or reciting and I'm the kid the whole class kinda expects to answer whenever a teacher asks a question like "does everyone understand?" "Do we have questions?" But the fact that the teacher asked me out of the blue kinda scared me. So they asked "hey, ame? Are you here? I guess she's absent" then I have to quickly un mute myself so I can say "yes, yes, I'm here! Im here" and make up some lame excuse why I couldn't talk.

So I try to read, and mind you the text wasn't in english, and as much as I am ashamed to say this, I have trouble reading my native language. The letters and pronunciation throws me off and I end up stuttering and skipping a few words or speaking giberish (something I do in english but it's not that bad).

So I read and then I feel like eyes were watching me. 26 pairs of eyes are waiting for me mess up or they're hearing me stutter and they're laughing. I can feel it. Sure their cameras and mics were off but I have this feeling that everyone is laughing at me but I have no proof of that. And mind you, what I was reading was long. And halfway through I started stuttering more and more until my confidence went down and I started reading quietly.

I was so scared that people are gonna think I'm an idiot! Because I'm in my grade level and can't read properly. They're gonna start questing how I passed the 1st grade!

I don't know that expert really scared me and I just had to let it out.