Confessions of a Chipped Soul
If you asked me to dream big, it is both a small and big dream- just to be "normal," being fully healthy.
The chain of events in my life recently really make me question my existence. Even in a spiritual aspect, what is my purpose placed here, and how many people have I affected positively in my life, regardless of how long that lasts?
I guess on a smaller scale, that one time my mother and I got into an argument on vacation, the next day in the hotel I stared down at my breakfast, feeling pitiful and crying into my food and hiding my puffed eyes. I was unfocused and therefore, two burglars were able to distract me and snatch my mom's bag of $600 and other valuables right from under my nose. That definitely woke up my mom and my anger, so I do believe that was a lesson learned. A worse event comes along in life now and then to teach us that what we had before wasn't bad at all. I guess what I'm saying is I wonder if being broken up with was an indirect wake up call for me, a sign that what I've gone, go through, will go through is something to share to remind others to be appreciative and never to let opportunities slip away. For me, the world does not feel like my oyster, but if my health could ever be restored, I promise to myself here and now to do everything I can do to touch other people's lives continuously as best as I can, and to love myself and try my best to be happy as I am trying now. It does not have to be through religious means, but trusting that I am worth a value that is priceless in just being me and what my experiences have molded me.
Excuse me for being selfish, but I still refuse to accept that if I were to cease existing, that a higher being willed it for a bigger cause. I understand without suffering, there would be no empathy, but all I can do not to lose hope is to keep reminding myself that I'm a fighter, and I am not going to accept "fate," because while some things are uncontrollable, for all I know, God wants me to set an example that everything that I go through is worth it. It's too much pain to accept that after resolving to fight, there is a possibility it was all in vain. Don't feed me too much bullshit. There's gotta be a light at the end of my tunnel.
A good grade, stupid drama with friends, these are important, but dull and petty by comparison suddenly.
Settling into the mentality and preparing myself for the possibility that my life could end any given moment, or down the road in the next few months, is scary. And so I want to truly never take for granted anything, and try harder to forgive and let go of all grudges, what is the point of holding them anymore?
So here I will try to continue researching and sustaining my hope that this isn't the spiraling path down to the end. Pour my heart into music, write a book, why not.
