#anakin's journal

[knightaskywalker]

I absolutely loathe having everything up in the air. Can't tell where I'm going next, if I'm going to be gone for longer than I expect, if I'm stuck with Master for more than I'd care to enjoy.

I just want to come back to her. There's something completely innocent about the freedom that comes with being together, when I can heavily ignore the Order and it's teachings to focus on those forbidden attachments and base instinct.

Because there's nothing better than her, the way she teases a me to stop growling out of lust and how I know she reacts or when she digs her hands into my hair - or the way she curls up against me and nuzzles into my neck with a soft giggle amid so many other things.

I just want to be home.

[knightaskywalker]

Three or so days until I get to see her again. Hopefully meetings won't be as bad now I can let my thoughts drift a bit, it's not like conversations are entertaining anyways. I just want to hold her and have her fall asleep safe where she belongs.

I miss her so much when she's not around.

[knightaskywalker]

My nightmares are back. Yyyaaayyyy.

It's not good. Never was, , especially when these are the ones that are so vivid it's painful. And I know the outlook for some situations hasn't been the best with my grandmother, but we all know it's coming - my mother has the same sort of feelings, and when that happens, more than likely it ends up true.

I don't want to think about that yet.

[knightaskywalker]

I hate leaving. I hate leaving. I hate leaving.

For the few nights I get home, there's next to no sleep anyways; if we do, we're tangled up. It's like we're almost teenagers with the way we can't seem to keep our hands off each other, usually not knowing when I can see her next.

This time she's made a small gift to pack into my things - a small crocheted animal with a ribbon around it's neck for luck.

I can only hope she dreams of me until I get back, because I know she's the last thought I have before I fall asleep.

[knightaskywalker]

God I love her so much. I've been here two days and I never want to let her go.

I don't want to leave tomorrow, there's so much I'm going to miss. Her smile, laughter, the way she calls me out on the apparent look I do. How soft her skin is and the way she looks so gentle and calm when she's falling asleep listening to me.

Did I mention we got caught in the rain yesterday during the start of a thunderstorm? Laughing like younglings as we ran all the way back to the apartment. I'm so in love and I'm so lucky I get to keep here this time.

She's mine.

[knightaskywalker]

Damn the Maker, this kriffing sucks.

I'm sore as all hell but there's nothing I wouldn't give to be in this state permanently - or putting it bluntly, by her permanently. I hate being dragged away by the council - I'd fight it if it wouldn't mean Master Windu possibly kicking my ass in front of everybody.

I miss the apartment the minute I leave - the amount of blankets she's layered up along the walls and head/footboard to keep us from smacking into them makes everything so soft and actually adds a sense of innocence to it all.

There's something about knowing I can wake her up in the early hours of the morning if I do have nightmares, and then the way she'll just hold me and let me be emotional about it - it's a vulnerability I can let myself have with no one but her.

Most of my clothes I bought with smell like her, and the scratches down my back are just starting to heal, though she's worse off than I am. I just wish I could keep her warmth with me - my room at the temple is far to small and cold without her light and warmth.

But I know they're be a break from missions eventually, there always is. And I'll be wasting no time in getting to her side the first chance I can get away.

[knightaskywalker]

This week has been some kind of dream, and I've been forced to wake up. I've never felt better than I do when I'm with her.

I forgot what the nights were like tangled up with her, and waking every morning to her half asleep voice and a kiss on the nose.

I didn't want her to leave. I truly know now that we're meant to be, because I've never been happier or felt more love from someone in my life.

I'm beyond glad I didn't marry my ex, it would have been a hell of a mistake.

There is no mistake with her. She is my soulmate, my kioi no yokan, my Angel.

I love her more than I hate sand. And I'll want her for the rest of my life.

[knightaskywalker]

I know I was told I should jump in to cover others every once in a while, but I make plans in advance otherwise I'd never see people. Beginning to think the jokes about never coming home might actually be an issue.

The only way I'm gonna keep my sanity in the longer days and even longer stretches of constant hell is seeing her.

This over-a-week in hell is up in two days, and I'm not even bothering to wait til the next morning to see her, I don't care if I gotta figure my way there in the dark - I'm pretty sure she'll be waiting up for me all the same.