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Basically getting told "Well people are allowed to dislike Cats" over and over again when I expressed my annoyance at the way I've seen people react to the Jellicle Ball makes me really hate Broadway based theater fans.

#cats musical #cats the musical #cats: the jellicle ball #cats the jellicle ball #and they were saying they liked cats #and I'm just like...#okay then why don't you see how much all of this sucks

this is some really personal shit that has to do with how i analyze and interpret john.

when i was a child, my father dragged me around the country from motel to motel talking about how he lost my mother and his single-minded focus on getting her back. i was his best friend. i was his only confidant. i wanted him to be happy all the time. i felt responsible for when he was sad - both with whatever the current situation was and in all the sad moments of his long sad life. when i wasn't with him, sometimes he would go for weeks without calling and i would miss him and think i did something wrong and then sometimes he would tell me what that wrong thing was and i would try to do better. i sat patiently and quietly on the couch in his strange friend's dark house filled with fishing gear while they talked and talked and talked about the ways the world had screwed them over. i never knew where we were driving to. sometimes i would sleep in the car for hours and we still hadn't gotten there. he wanted me to show him a terrifying and confounding amount of respect. he would cry and i would kneel on the couch next to him and try to envelope his whole body into my arms in a hug. i loved him ferociously and protectively. he wanted my singular loyalty and got it. it's so hard to even summarize it all. each moment is just so full of ...

he hurt my feelings and i loved him. i got mad at him and i loved him. he got mad at me and i loved him. i felt deeply sorry for him and i loved him.

and when i watched supernatural oh boy let me tell you.....

and i know it's not chic or whatever to compare john to your dad. I KNOW THAT. but not to garishly bear my open bloody heart on the internet. it's just. i watched this fucking show and i was like... i know him. like. i know that man.

and i'm kinda screwed because we all are analyzing things from our own experiences so when i'm interpreting all the little clues left about john throughout the show, it all feels so familiar. and i don't actually have a way to separate my experience as a child with that kind of father from the way i'm analyzing and watching spn. and so i'm stuck saying, well john just is really similar to my dad. and, yeah, of course there are differences. but i guess all i can do is commit to bringing as much nuance and care to any and all creative endeavors or analysis as half a lifetime of therapy has taught me...