Anthony Bridgerton, Please come pick up our most whorish brother from my home immediately! Also please bring a complete change of clothin
When I find out which of you monsters told mother that my ability to sire children could be permanently impaired from the sunburn, I shall end you. That is a promise. My wrath and retribution shall make Pompeii like a trifling inconvenient by comparison.
Mother called a "Doctor" to check up on my manly bits. Do any of you heathens know what all that entails? That old withered piece of leather would not leave before I could prove my equipment still worked! Did you know telling him I can get and maintain an erection was not enough? No, apparently that pervert wanted me to wank and spill my seed in front of him! It took over an hour to convince that charlatan that the full powers of Jesus Christ would not allow me to maintain an erection long enough to wank if he was watching. Still that galling creature stood right outside the door until I was able to perform.
The horrors did not end there. That man proceeded to test my spend, in front of me! How did he test it? What marvel of modern science did he use? I shall tell you. His fingers! He dripped his finger into the cup he had me aim my seed into, and proceeded to rub my seed twixt his fingers. He had the temerity to complement me on the viscosity of it. Then that quack went so far as to smell it! He had the audacity to tell me to adjust my diet as my seed smelled weak! He even whipped out a tiny magnifying glass and just admired my seed. He said he was looking for abnormalities. I did not believe him for a single second. The only abnormality present was him!
I am certain that hack must have forged his medical license. There is no earthly possibility that was a legitimate test for fertility. Then that cad departed on his merry way. He left me in the room holding my tattered dignity and a cup full of my spend. You have no idea the lengths I had to go through to dispose of that cup discreetly, without offending the household servants. I would have drowned myself in the Thames if Mrs. Wilson caught me holding that cup.
Anthony effective immediately I am moving into my bachelor quarters. I will not live under the same roof as mother. She invited that awful "Doctor" into our home and allowed him to trample on my dignity. I have never felt so violated in my entire life.
How ever will I be able to lay with someone again without having a flashback to that fossilized ghoul playing with my seed? Do not come to call on me. I will be drunk for the next week trying to blot out this humiliation.
Vengeance will be mine,
Benedict
Brother,
I played no part in your current misfortune. I have been entirely too busy this week rewarding my wife and tending to my children. God, Ben, I passed out from lack of oxygen momentarily while laughing at your letter. I apologize for finding humor in your dire situation but you must understand I thought your letter a crude jest. It sounded too outrageous to be real.
Pen found me reading your letter and she was absolutely aghast. She scolded me for laughing at your plight, and assured me that it sounded very similar to what she has read in that medical book that she bought while pregnant. She hopes you now agree, that book is evil and the author of said book is obviously an agent of Satan. Her words, not mine. My wife said your experience sounded more primitive than what she read. If the doctor was as old as you described he may be using outdated methods.
The book has been in Bridgerton House for over a year. Kate rescued it when she found Pen trying to burn it. Pen said part of the book covered the male reproductive system. It apparently included has a section focused on castration. Kate likes to read that section when she is feeling particularly cross with Ant. She vaguely recalls the book mentioning prolonged fevers can lead to infertility in men.
Perhaps mother found the book at Bridgerton house and read it? I cannot imagine any of our siblings being shameless enough to talk with mama about your seed. Either way the pool of people who knew about your injury cannot be that large. Good luck in your investigation, brother.
For my peace of mind, I must know how you disposed of that cup and its contents. Please, the curiosity is killing me.
Keep an eye out for one of our servants. Once our cook is done preparing dinner, Pen is sending over a hamper of food and spirits to help comfort you this evening. Isn't my wife the sweetest woman ever?
Your most helpful brother,
Colin
Ben,
Simon finds your letter most entertaining. I do not! I must ask Benedict, have you lost your mind? Did the sunburn leave you with some form of brain damage?
What possessed you to send such filth, to my husband and I? We have two small children and a third on the way. Do you imagine we have much free time? Do you imagine we would waste what little free time we have sitting around talking about your genitals? Do you imagine we want to read about your genitals?
The hubris of you! To send such a descriptive account of your personal medical matters. Why would you share all that? Do you think Kate, Pen, and I are not humiliated by having insensitive doctors and midwives poking about our intimate areas? Do you hear us talking about? No. Have we ever sent out letters detailing the procedures? Of course not. We are not classless, savages. Some matters are not for sharing.
I speak for everyone, everywhere. We do not want to read your sordid tales of self gratification. Nor do we want to read about your seed. Do not speak to us again until you apologize for the vile letter you sent us.
I have half a mind to forward this letter to mama. So she can see how terribly she raised you.
Disappointed in you,
Daphne
Brother,
I did not know mother arranged for you to be seen by a Doctor. I would never have allowed such a thing. What happens in a man's trousers is his own damn business. You are a grown man, you can decide medical matters for yourself.
That being said, Benedict you are half past twenty. Why did you leave such an inflammatory letter behind? Could you not have simply spoken to me as an adult? What if Greg or Hyacinth had read that letter?
God Ben, I am mortified on your behalf. However, I absolutely do not have the time or the energy to get in the middle of this shite show. I am too busy trying to balance my work and our ever growing family.
You and mother are adults. I expect you both to sort this mess out among yourselves. You are both being childish. Mother should never have meddled in your affairs in such an appalling manner. On the other hand, you should not have continued the exam if you were uncomfortable. You are twenty five years old. You cannot run away from home, in a huff. Move out properly, so I don't have to worry about you. Hire a cook, fill your pantry, and staff your home. I will send over your belongings tomorrow.
I just want to cuddle my children and ravish my wife in peace!
Exhaustedly,
Ant
